Him

His words.
His attention.
His care.
His worry.
His jealousy.
Everything.
They calm me down. They make me feel better.
Make me feel loved.
Like I'm actually worth something.

But, what if, all these are just illusions I created for myself?
What if they were all never real? What if I made them seem like they were real?
What then?

I don't want any complications.
I don't want this to end up hurting both of us.
Why can't I be certain for once?
I need to know what this really is.
I want it to be real. Really.
But I can't change a fact, can I?
The problem is, I don't know what this fact is..
And I'm really frustrated because I really really really want to know.

This HAS to be real.
It has to.

Strength

It is unstable. I know it.
I know somehow, that this will not last forever. It isn't eternal.
Yet I am putting too much trust and hope in this.. it doesn't make sense.
I shouldn't be too dependent on it or else..

When it is gone, then everything will be lost.

I can't bear that. I can't bear to feel that way again.
I don't want to.
I MUSN'T.

But my resolve is weakening and it is falling apart.
My walls are slowly being torn down.. the walls I have worked so hard to build up till today.
I don't know what's going to happen.

But I know one thing for sure.
And that is that I will trust in God.

If Only..

If only cussing wasn't a bad thing.
I would curse SO much that you probably won't be able to hear me speaking right with all of the censoring.
That's right.
__ity ___ ____.
Gosh.
Love love love. Exams exams exams. Work work work.
___ ___ ___ them all.

Damn it.
I need a breather. A LONG breather.
I feel like time is running out too fast for all of our good.
Why can't you slow down, time? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? ): TO US?

Just a little update on me for me for possible future reference,
I'd say that recently,
I've been a little more.. um.. I don't know what the word is exactly..
Rational?
I've been doing some thinking..
and I think, that it's time I stopped being too ___ing kind and nice to others.

Being ignored and yet always being the one who puts my foot down and start to try getting their attention when they end up slipping away sooner than I thought all the time..
That's just stupid. Crazy stupid.
I've had enough of that.
So I made a decision: I'm not gonna do that anymore.
I'm not going to let myself get pushed around like a rag doll,
being told what to do,
and not doing anything about them.

If they want me to do something, they have to have a reason why they think I should do it for them.
If they think certain ways of acting to me is appropriate(which usually aren't) then they have to have a ___ing reason too. Or else its humiliation time.
And.. I'm also not talking to a few people who've been taking me for granted way too much.
Unless they come talk to me first.
Or when the situation really calls for it.
I'm done being a softie.
I'm done being shy, and soft-spoken, not letting anyone know my real thoughts.

Well you know what?
That time is over.

So ___ you all.

Hoping again..

Could this be a false hope?
Why do I keep allowing myself to get hurt?
I don't even know if this is right.
And yet, I'm just hoping, wishing, so badly.. that it WILL be right. For me.
Because if it was,
everything would just fit in perfectly. Like a missing puzzle piece.
But if it isn't.. then everything would fall apart.

I don't even think its crucial enough for me to seek help since nothing has happened.
Yet.
I'm falling deeper everyday. And I can't help that.
I'm so helpless.
If the last was different..
then how much more unique is this one?

Rights and Reason

I've honestly never felt so happy for myself before.
I am so proud of me.
Yes, no matter how awkward and conceited that sounds,
you better believe it.

I actually stood up for myself today.
Well.. not really.. kinda.. in an indirect and sarcastic way but that's all the better, right?
No obvious harm done :x

So I was kinda pissy after school.
You know, when you have Sejarah and Accounts right after it.. then you have fencing and you're just OH-SO-TIRED.
Who doesn't get cranky when they're tired?
So I went to the field to watch em girls play netball with a bunch of college students from HELP college.
I didn't intend to play cause I was tired and everything so I just sat aside and watch, cheering and clapping when necessary.
Then when Zhi and Sonn got out of the court for playing too long and that match being over,
they walked to where I was.

And you DO know how rude it is to stand in front of someone oh so closely, right?
Blocking their view when they were obviously staring right where you were standing.
And now their ass is all up in your face and you can't see what in going on in the freaking court.
Yes.

So I snapped.
But I'm not the type to lash out recklessly. Obviously, I'm the total cool and calm figure.
So I told Sonn to move freaking out of the way.
With just one simple question.
I feel like a total bitch for once.
She seemed sorry.
I liked that feeling.

Sorry Sonn but I just don't like people who deny others of their rights and is always so inconsiderate.
You probably wouldn't like to hear this but.. people like you aren't going to last in the world out there. I've been there.
You have to change if you want to live. Geez.

For at least the past two years.. and counting,
whenever I try to talk to her or even TALK to her. She always either ignores me or pretends I'm not there.
Like, HELLO?
I'm freaking here, next to you, repeating your name for like god-knows-how-long.
I'm not your slave, why do I have to wait for you to pay attention to me?
You know how they say when you do a good thing to a person, that person will return the good deed?

Apparently that does not apply in this case at all. Or person. Whatever.
I ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS pay attention to people who call me.
Even if I dislike them SO FREAKING MUCH.
I will still bring myself to hear em out.
Because, if you spoiled brats have not been taught that before, that is what we civilized people call MANNERISM.
What you have to show others in order for people to respect you and treat you better.

As far as I'm concerned,
ignoring is one of the actions I hate most in the world, next to lying and betraying.
I absolutely DETEST ignorance.
It is so frustrating.
Do you know that doing that to someone like me who has never wronged you in any way is denying me of my human rights?

Get your thinking straight.
I have every reason to be mad at you.
You're already 16.
When will you realize that you're not always going to have things your way?
When will you grow out of your childishness?

Restored, Safe.. and Sound?

Ahaha.
Hi.

I don't exactly remember what I've last posted on this blog.
And I'm kinda too much of a lazy ass to read it again.
So lets just all pretend I didn't go all emo and stuff ok?

Right.

So lately I've been fine, that is if you are wondering.
Um.. I kinda got over anything to do with men.. I mean, guys .__.
And also if I'm not wrong, I used to have a little problem with my confidence..
Well THAT problem hasn't been totally resolved yet but I'm getting there. Somehow.

I think I should really thank God for this.
For His grace :)
All the while I was in the dilemma, I kept asking myself "God, where are you? Why aren't you helping me?"
"When will this all end?"

I was just.. tired, I guess.
But it DID end.
And I'm really, very, and totally grateful for God.
So yeah, thank you God. I love you.

I can feel him healing me :D
From the inside out.
I'm so blessed.

Also, for the past few years, I've also had this thought:
So I wasn't born a Christian and I think it says somewhere in the Bible that it's better to get married to another Christian or at least a believer at heart if you are one yourself.
To be totally honest with you guys, I don't even know if you can call me a Christian.
Sure, I love God. I really do. And I believe he exists and saved me with Jesus. I believe in Jesus too. And the Holy Spirit that lives in all of us.
But do I really dedicate my time to Him?
I barely do anything that relates to praising or worshipping him.
The only thing I do that isn't even in my control is chapel in school.
And once that's gone.. once SCHOOL is gone the end of next year...
what then?

I've asked my parents about their view on Christianity before, albeit subtly.
But they don't seem very positive about it. In fact, I think they dislike it.
What if I told them one day that I do believe in God and in Jesus Christ? More so than the religion that they believe in and made me believe before?
Would they get mad?
Would they shun me? Hate me?
Would they ignore me for life?
Or worse.. abandon me?

I'm afraid.
I know I shouldn't be afraid because I got God by my side all the time.
Whatever the result of anything is, it will always be for my betterment only.
But I am.
I'm sorry, God.
Sigh. What should I do? ):
I want my parents to know you too. And to live an eternal life comfortably in your kingdom.
Its not right to see them .. praying.. with those sticks.. and earnestly believing that burning those offerings could actually be sent to the souls that have passed.
I want them to know the truth about you so badly.
But they are blind. I know I should at least try to make them see.
I hope that God, you make me strong enough to introduce You to them someday.
That is, if by then, they are still alive and still on Earth.
And also if Jesus hasn't returned yet.
*muffles screams

Okay I know this is getting SO creepy because I never .. and by never I mean seldom talk about God and Christians so obviously in by blog.
I can't help it.
I do need to confess.
I love God. And I feel sorry for disappointing him and I also thank him for everything he's done for me. Including forgiving me :)

Last but not least, which is a topic I'm sure I've introduced above there somewhere and neglected..
It's about the marriage thing.
Of course I'm not so foolish to think so far ahead into the future. Haha.
But what I really mean is.. well..
If you were to get married, surely you'll be in a relationship first right?
Then that man must well.. be suitable. To you. I guess.

Well..
It is kind of awkward to say this..
But yes..
remember that guy I told you about way back when?
I don't remember when actually lol.
It was the guy who I've given up on before I could actually go all serious on liking him because I found out he had a girlfriend.
But then right when I gave up, he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hmm..
Interesting, right?

Nah, not really. That's old news.
What's recent is that..
well.. I think.
THINK. That I might like him again.
BUT.
I won't allow myself to.
Unless there is a good reason.
I don't want to be a naive klutz anymore.
So.. no more of that.

Let's see how this turns out ;)

~I'll put my trust in you Lord.

Does This Happen To Everyone?

I feel.. tired. Not confident.
Just all of a sudden.
Or maybe I did have a reason to feel this way... but I don't remember it .__.
Or maybe I refuse to remember it.

I don't know.
I keep telling myself to think positive. And try to be a better person so that I can make myself feel better as well as to maintain a good relationship with the people around me.
I don't even know if that's working out.
It feels like nothing is working out.
My effort.
Its fruitless.
Do I have to be more patient?
Why is it that whenever I stop to think about things - TRULY think - it seems as if nothing works.
And it always me that's waiting and waiting.. and waiting.
And trying and trying.
And doing everything I am capable of,
only to end up being dumped into the dirt again.

I don't understand.
What is God trying to tell me?
Am I not trying hard enough? Is that it?
I'm not asking for anything much. I'm just asking for recognition.
I'm not even asking for praise.
Is expecting recognition itself too much to ask for?

Am I being greedy? Selfish?
Why can't think work out the right way for me?
Just for once?
Why does every single thing I do always end up like this? Destroyed.
Friends. Crushes. Families. Whatever you name.
It all ends the same.

I am never content. Not even once.
I say I am, but I bluff.
Because I want to make myself feel like I actually AM contented with things,
when I'm not.

No one seems to understand.
I'm sure a lot of people have many reasons to argue with that.
But I feel like no one understands.
Its either that, or no one bothers to understand.
I feel kind of alone.
No one trusts me with responsibilities. No one allows me to do things even when I want to, or show that I want to.
They don't give me a chance to stand for myself,
and nab all the chances for themselves.
So now you tell me.
Who is the selfish one?

I get so tired sometimes.
Tired of chasing. Of trying. Of looking up.
I just wanna flop to the ground, shut my eyes, relax, and just not care about anything.
Because no matter how hard I try, it always seems as if I will never reach the end of it.

I feel like my fire's been put out.
Like all this time that I've been trying to prove myself worthy, I've just had my heart crushed, trampled on, and beaten to the ground.
Might as well kill me, huh.

I'm just...
I''m tired.

So yeah. I'll just admit what you all think I am.
I can't play sports. I can't handle accounts and events. I can't participate in something properly without having something go out of order. I'm arrogant. I'm cold, quiet, distant. I'm a loser. I'm an introvert. I'm slow. I'm forgetful. I'm stubborn. I'm temperamental. I'm crazy.

And I'm ugly.
Happy?
Good.
Because you ought to be.
At least in this silent war, we know now that one of us had won.
And that's you.

Standing Up For Yourself

Influence. Influence. And more influence.
I'm not gonna say its all bad. Of course, there are many good influences too.
But.. Well, in my opinion, for most of us, we face the bad ones more than the good ones daily.

It is true when they say that your environment affects you.
The people around you that influence you. For example, peer pressure.
Your friends? What kind of people are they?
I'm not implying that you should always judge a person a lot to find out if he/she's a good person before becoming his/her friend. Not at all.
You might be happy being with them.. contented even.
But do you really know the impact they cause in your life?
Is it for the better, or for worse?
Are you influencing them or are they influencing you?
There is a reason why the advice of choosing your friends wisely exists.
Whether or not you like it,
you'll have to make the right choices in the end.
You can't just keep pushing things aside and thinking it'll be okay at the end of the day.
Because, well, there's only so much your heart can take.
How long more will you be able to hold out?

Besides your friends, there is always your parents as well.
I do admit there are some very optimistic, loving, caring, and encouraging parents out there who are willing to let their children be their own person, shaping them in all the right ways and giving moral support throughout their study years and childhood.
BUT.
There are some other parents who do not realize how their actions and words could sometimes affect their children greatly.
Screaming. Scolding. Yelling. Caning. Making em cry.
They think its okay. Cause its all in the process of raising the kid.

Once again, in MY OPINION, I don't think you should force your self-belief on a child, even if he/she is your child.
Sure, you are the one who bore the kid. You have the authority of control over him/her.
But you have to remember what it felt like when you were their age.
The want to be free. To be able to be who they really are inside. To discover their self-identity.
In the end, that's what growing up is all about.

And as we all know clearly, young children learn quickly and adapt quite easily as well.
What they see, hear, and taste, is kept safe in their memory for the longest time.
When you say something you are so sure of and believe in, even though others don't, and tell your kid to believe it too,... well.
If it's a good thing, then all the better.
But what if it's actually a bad thing? What if?
Even if that kid is your kid, he/she is still an individual. One person. One OTHER person.
You can't force a belief on someone else. No way.
Even if you manage to, you'll just ruin their life.
So please, think. Before you act.

Finally, there is also yourself.
How you think. How you make yourself behave.
What of it?
It is all a psychological play.
As long as you think something is like that, so it shall be like that.
For example, if a rose is really red, but all your life you think and you KNOW that that color has always been blue.
Then a red rose shall be a blue rose.
See? It makes sense doesn't it?
If you think you are ugly, then so you will be ugly.
If you think you are lazy, then you will be lazy.
If you think you're incompetent, there's no way you'll be able to do whatever it is you wanted to do.
Because you don't believe in yourself.

Before fixing your habits, problems, or anything..
You'll have to start with the way you think.
NO. You don't have to go to the extremes.
You should start off slowly in fact.
For example, you could start by telling yourself in your mind that you're not really that ugly, then next time you can start thinking that you look just fine. Then slowly, and surely.. you can think that you're worth it.
That's how confidence comes about.
You don't just sleep and wake up the next day feeling like you're absolutely perfect in every way possible.
Well, I guess it is possible but that only happens when you believe in God. Unfortunately, that doesn't apply to all of us.
Nothing happens without hard work.
So boot that lazy ass.
No matter what, the laziness has to go.
Even the smartest people. Even Einstein who is like the smartest guy.. if he wasn't hardworking enough and dedicated in his experiments and stuff, there ain't no way he would be famous today.
Who knows, he might have dropped out of school and ended up a total nobody.

I know we're all suffering and sometimes it just feels so hard because of ALL these influences..
they're all pressing in on us everyday and we have to keep on resisting, resist and resist.
Once you pause and rest, that's when everything'll go haywire but you know what?
That's why you have to stand up for yourself. For what you believe in.
And always, make sure that what you believe in is right before you really start believing .. for reals.

Because when you stand up for yourself,
you'll find that it's so much easier to resist. Sometimes you even do it without effort and you don't realize it.
That's when you'll know that you've gained the right amount of confidence.
Stop being so stubborn Megan.
There are just some things you have to accept in this difficult life.
God. Humility. Friends.

Even if believing in these things will bring you down and hurt you sometimes,
it'll all be worth it because you'll experience new things.
You don't just always experience the good, right? The bad ones have to come too.
So you'll become stronger and stronger with each trial or tribulation.
Believe in yourself. You don't have to believe in God because I can't force anyone to do that, but.. you must believe in yourself. And try to do the same for your friends that you know you can trust.

Give your heart a break :)

Things Have Been Going On..

Tons of them. I don't know where to start. I mean, it HAS been a while since the last time I blogged.

Okay.. Well, recently in Speech Day, I got the award for obtaining the first place in class and also the 7A achievement for PMR award.
I also acted in a little tiny short skit by the Form 4s called 'Someone Worth Dying For'.
We acted and sung. It was touching, really. To have made it for the real day after all the noise, arguments, and failures.

Of course, that was a happy thing. Another happy thing that happened was Christine's early birthday gift.
I'm really glad she did. And to be honest, I feel really bad because I gave her something tiny for her birthday but she gave me a gift in a box.
That musn't be something small, huh?

Now.. on to the .. not-so-encouraging stuff.
Yeah. So I've been blogging about my idiot of a crush and 'love' and all that..
Obviously, as you would be guessing by now,
it didn't work out.
I had a gut feeling the whole time. It was like there was this voice in my head telling me its over. There's no way this can work. Why are you still insisting on it?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because it felt different and special?

Not so much, after all.
When it came to an end and when the truth hit me hard in my face, I was speechless.
I was hurt to say the least.
It felt like a hand with sharp claws just slashed multiples cuts on my heart and pulled it down.
My heart felt heavy. But I didn't cry. Of course I wouldn't.
I was in public.

I still haven't now. But I still feel kind of.. disappointed. What the hell was that anyway? I was so dang sure that this one was special.. different.
I guess I was wrong.
Now all I feel is emptiness inside.. an emptiness that is just begging to be filled.
I wonder what I can fill it with.

I don't want to be leaving myself open to any of these relationship stuff anymore.
I don't wanna be vulnerable to them.
From now onwards, I'll be closed. I will build a wall up.
I'm sick and tired of this.

I wonder  if it is peer pressure that's leading me to 'love' other people sometimes.
Because I KNOW that it won't benefit me too much to have a boyfriend,.
Yet I still.. I feel empty.
Very empty.

I just.. sigh.

Also, being appreciated? I don't feel so much of that.
Sure we did a good job on Speech Day. Sure we touched hearts. Sure we conveyed the message well. Sure, we got credited for our job well done.
People were praised.. complimented.. assured of their skills and talents.
What about me?
What was I doing there?
I was just there. Standing there. Most of the people who I was working with aren't even people I know that well.
No one came to me and said 'Phui Yen you did a good job.'

No. Not even my best friend.
Yes you can say I lack of attention and maybe I just want the attention, simply put.
But truly, all I want is to be seen. To be appreciated for my effort. For my involvement. Is that so hard? To just saw simple words like 'you did well.' or 'you were good.'

I don't even expect you to say words like 'awesome' or 'amazing' or even 'great'.

Best friend...
I don't know why I even call you that sometimes.
You're so bipolar.
Sometimes it seems like I mean a lot to you. Sometimes its like you can't live without me.
And other time it just seems like you don't want me to be there by your side. Like I'm some sort of embarrassment. Like I'll pull you down.
I don't get you. What's wrong? Am I not good enough? Cause you can just utter the truth. Don't lie. Don't say words that are coated with sugar or caramel or whatever of the sort.
That I'm so -called 'important' or that you 'love' me.
There's nothing I hate most but to be lied to.
You've always been like this.. like an off-and-on switch.

Sometimes you're there, sometimes you're not.
How do you call a person like that a best friend? You tell me.
That is why I doubt you. That is why I can never really fully trust you with all my heart.
And you ask why?
Ha.

I have a lot of things running through my mind that I just feel like shutting them all out.
There is no other way to that but.. you know.. death.
But of course I'm never gonna do that. Its just a feeling.
I don't know what I should do to feel the emptiness in my heart,
how to react to my 'best friend',
how to deal with any and every thing that's just going on now.
I don't know.

Too long, perhaps?

Too long...
For so long, we haven't been talking.
And for that whole time, I've been feeling that void.
That emptiness there, in my heart.

Maybe because it has been too long, and you haven't been paying attention. Maybe you don't want to, I don't know.

But I've been feeling a lot less assured and confident lately.. I don't know how I should feel.
If I feel upset and people see me that way, I'm just gonna end up ruining all my friendships.
If I pretend to be happy.. that's just gonna make ME feel a lot worse.

So what am I going to do?

.. I don't know anymore.

I MISS YOU.

I'm supposed to be doing my homework now. I'm supposed to be focusing. On physics. And add math.

LOL. Really.
I'm supposed to.

But I can't do it. I CAN'T. I don't even understand the shit I'm doing. Why did the spring have to be multiplied by 3 when I've already gotten the answer? I don't get it..?

So I just shut my book and sigh real loudly. I intended to get them done today. Looks like there's no chance of that happening now. Well, there are certainly plenty of issues going on right this moment...

1. I need to sleep early today but I have a really bad feeling that ain't gonna happen...

2. I keep looking back and forth and my music player, homework, and Facebook. It isn't helping in the least.

3. I don't really know if the problem exists, but.. is Wei Yi getting uncomfortable around me? :/

4. I keep wondering about what I can do for my birthday this year. What can I do?! Party? Shop with friends? Karaoke? (which I suck at) Well, you can forget Laser Tag cause I don't really like the looks of it.. Sigh. SERIOUSLY. Time isn't passing any slower.

5. I keep thinking about him.. you know... HIM...

And then that branches out into several other problems.

Okay first of all, we don't talk as often anymore. I used to talk to him every single day of the week but now its like we talk every three days minimum. Maybe one week max D: And if I don't find a way to fix this awkwardness, it'll just get worse and worse and one day, we might not even talk anymore! Is this a sign for me to give up..?

Secondly, I mean, it shouldn't even bug me. But this is like my diary which I'm sure no one really reads except for myself anyway so yeah, I'm just gonna be honest and truthful about my feelings and pour them all out here cause no one really gives a damn except for myself, which is sad I know. But hey, there are some things in life you just gotta take, yeah?

SOO like.. mycrushismybestfriend'sexandapparentlytheybothlikedeachotheralot. IN THE PAST. I'm kinda glad for my best friend. Well because... it shows that she has some kind of humanity in her after all. But.. I'm kinda crushed also. So like... it IS true when they say that you will never get to be a guy's first. And if you ever are, it doesn't last cause you'll break up anyway. I don't know what to feel. But this is one of the not-so-important things that bugs my mind. Since after all, it was all in the past.. Still, I can't help but to think if there are any lingering feelings left.. I'm such a whiny bitch, aren't I? I shouldn't even be worried about this since they were together like YEARS ago.

...

And well, other than that, I'm troubled because..

I MISS HIM SO TERRIBLY MUCH.

Someone please take the sharpest knife in my house (which is actually really really sharp) and stab it right through my heart please. I can't take it much longer. I try to act tough, like I really don't care. But I actually do a lot and my heart is hurting. And the worst thing is, I can't even do anything about it because I promised myself I wouldn't get too close and give him some space. I also promised myself I wouldn't get into any relationships until after high school. Which is like a year and a half from now.

That is quite an awful long time of waiting for something you are quite desperate for, don't you agree?

I know he isn't really that good-looking, he isn't sporty at all, he plays a lot of video games, he doesn't talk much but he's really sarcastic when he does, and has weird interests, but I still like him. Why?

Even I don't know why. Really.

This is the first time I'm attracted to a guy not because of his looks, or physical ability, or popularity. And the one time something as wonderful as this happens, he ends up being my best friend's ex. And it seemed he even liked her a lot. And vice-versa.

Okay what am I talking about? Its going back to that topic again. Sigh.

I'm NOT jealous ok? I'm serious. I'm just feeling so insecure right now. And the fact that he doesn't and hasn't ever tried to start the conversation with me first doesn't help me feel any better. I feel like I'm just annoying him, and that's making me feel more and more distant from him everyday because I tend to leave him alone just to give him some space.

Its making me feel empty inside. No matter how much chocolate I eat, how much my friends try to comfort me, I just feel that emptiness that can never be filled. Something is missing. And I just KNOW its him because I know what it felt like when things were fine with him.

Am I the problem? Am I not good enough? Am I took skinny? Fat? Ugly? Annoying? Arrogant? Too Quiet? Two-faced?

Please tell me. Don't leave me hanging ):

You have no idea how much I miss talking to you like we did before the whole event thing that Sunday. I'm really really sorry if I messed up.. big time. And don't apologize. I never expected anything from you. I just expected more from myself. Don't stay away please. Don't make me feel lonely when I'm not.

I need you. As desperate as that sounds...

But yeah. I miss you a lot. And only God knows how much 'a lot' means.

Chasing

It was a game from the start.
I guess I was optimistic at first.
So I saw it as a challenge.

It was a challenge I knew was possible to overcome.

However, as time passed, I find myself wavering, weakening,
and I was just not the same anymore.
I started thinking about all these negative things...
I started losing hope,
the evidences that seemed so right to me now seem fake and unreal.

I don't know what to believe in anymore now.
I never used to be the tired one, but now I am.
I didn't use to chase others around for anything, but I am now.

I don't know what to do or say.
I'm so lost and confused.
And its all because of him :(

I don't know whether I should continue with this or just give up.
Because I'm so SO tired of chasing him around.

Confused

The people who matter and the the people who don't.
I never used to be able to differentiate the two..
I'm still not very good at it.

Hence, I hope I'm right.

After all, this IS a new feeling I'm getting.
I don't know what to do, or how to react to it.
I'm a little fearful of the consequences that are bound to hit me if I react in a certain way,
whether its good or bad.

I used to think I was just plainly obsessed.. with him.
But now I'm not so sure anymore.
I don't really think its an obsession.
I think its just a reason I give myself in order to feel more comfortable.

Well its not like I'm helplessly in love either.
I'm not.
I think.

...

But I know there's a special feeling.
One I've never felt before so far in the last 15 years of my life.
I don't know who to ask about this.
My friends all don't really get it.
I'm too much of a chicken to ask my teachers....
I definitely wouldn't talk about this with my parents either...

So...

I don't know.
What do you think?

The One Thing I Hate Most

When people just leave the conversation without a goodbye greeting or something of the sort.
and when people ignore me when I'm talking and when I'm right in front of their face.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

How much more rude can people nowadays be?
I mean, is it not common courtesy to respond to people when they are talking or at least listen to them if you don't know what to say, then a simple 'yes' or 'no' will do.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT?

Unless you're so utterly lazy that you don't even want to move your farkin lips to say a simple word even a toddler knows.

Okay, so maybe you just want to be sarcastic.
You like making people believe that you're interested, when you're actually not. And then ignore them when they are talking, or even worse, walk away altogether.

Its OKAY. Once. Or twice.
But don't do it too many times. GOSH.
However did your mum teach you in growing up?
Are you just plain dumb or what?

It hurts, okay?
It hurts when you ignore people just like that.
I'm not the only one feeling like this...
And being sixteen, you should know better.

You need to stop being so selfish and start thinking about what other people would feel and think about the consequences of your actions.
You can't live like that forever and you know it.

Turn of Events (?)

Okay so I was pretty sure I was complaining and whining in the last post...
Which was quite a while ago and I apologize for that but I'm kinda in the middle of mid term tests now so bear with me :)
..but now I'm not really feeling so bad anymore :D

Haha yeah. I know. Something's wrong me.
Sometimes I can't help but think that's the truth.
How my mood can change so quickly: I'm not entirely sure either.

Just a few weeks ago, he's been kind of a little of a jerk but now he's getting better.
Is he ?
I can't really say.
But I guess he is a little.
Better.

And that makes me feel so glad :D
He's really starting to talk now. I can't stop being happy.
Every evening, every night is the best part of the day.
I can't help but smile before my sleep.
This is the best feeling ever.

I think I'm falling for him more and more everyday.
Sigh.
What to do? :P

Insecurity, Weakness and Impatience

I know its only normal for everyone to feel insecure about things.
But I haven't been for a while now. I dreaded the day I would start to feel this way again.
Everything was fine and nice. Joyful and fun. Free.

..Until you came.

I didn't think it would be you.
The you who ignored everyone else except the people you cared about and yourself.
You who had no interest in people who liked things you didn't.
You whose words I could never understand nor comprehend.
You who crushed me, like I was just a little ant.

But you had no idea, did you?
That you were indeed crushing my heart this whole time.
Everyday, every hour, every minute, every second I think of you,
its like killing myself every time.
But it doesn't stop.

How the hell did I even get here in the first place?
I'm chasing a stupid, endlessly painful, unreachable dream.
I know it will never come true.
That having you turn back once to even look at me,
would be the last thing you would want to do on your list.

However, because of the optimistic self that I had acquired over the time of peace and calm,
I tried convincing myself that it wasn't that bad. It wasn't serious.
It just probably would take more time to know you better, to get closer to you, to become at least your friend.
That I wasn't actually very much attracted to you already. I convinced myself.
Yeah.

That was like a month ago.
My optimism now is draining out fast.
With every day that passes, it dries up a lot, more and more every day.
Because with passing day, I think more of you.
And the more I think of you, the worse I'll feel.
The worse I feel, the more convincing I'll have to make.
The more convincing I do, the more I lose my optimistic self.
The less optimistic I am, the more pessimistic I become,
The more pessimistic I become, the more emo I will be.

And that is where I first started.
Right at day one.
EMO.

I don't know where I stand now. In my life and in your heart.
Why is it so hard for you to understand?
Is it because you don't like me at all?
Is it because I'm a pain?
I'm sure I've hinted you a gazillion times already.
Are you just ignorant, naive, dense?
Or am I annoying? A prick?

Let's stop running around in circles.
Okay, I admit.
I like you. Maybe love you even.

Maybe I'm just so drunk with love right now that I have no idea what might come after or what the hell I am saying right now but I know this is true. I'm not lying.

So can you do the same?
Can you just f*ckin tell me already?
I hate it when people don't just be straightforward.
I'm weak. I don't have much stamina.
Let's stop running.
Let's just stop. Talk. And get this over with.

I'm ready for the pain.

Am I Dense?

Haha xD

No.Really.
Am I?

My sister says I am.. and so does my dad..
Cause I kept saying no guy likes me.
And they'll go all like "Liar."

But really?
I don't think so.
Because obviously I'm not the type of person anyone would want to have their teenage crush on.
I'm way too cool, mysterious, 'mature', and indifferent that no one would want to give shit about me.

Though it IS true that I've been changing lately..
or maybe I already have changed.
I'm starting to open up more.. about my self. I try to be nicer to others.
And ultimately, I try my best to smile more often too. (since some people used to say that I look too serious all the time)

I HAVE.
And now.
Because I'm more open-minded, and accepting,
I ended up making a terrible mistake. A mistake that I regret. And hope I won't fall too deep into.

:/
Though I kinda feel that I'm already halfway through that black hole..
that black hole that most people would call 'infatuation'.
Or crush.
Or like.
Or love.

Yeah you guessed right.
I fell for someone.
And its SO not like me to be the one doing the chasing.
But I am.
Cause I'm the type of person who always plays hard to get.
Now I'M the one going around trying to catch hold of some other guy who also has the tendency to play hard to get.
Well, since he won't budge much...
two of us can't both be ignoring each other now, can we?

SO. That's how I ended up in this situation. *weeps*
I feel terrible. It was all because I allowed myself to get attracted to him in the first place.
At the beginning, I was just like "Oh he's kinda cute. I guess it wouldn't hurt to know more about him.."
Then I DID get to know him better,

and without knowing it, I was actually falling for him already.
One day I just found myself so frustrated because he wouldn't talk much.
Which shouldn't be a surprise since we had only recently met.
But it DID get me upset.
And when I realized I was,
I thought to myself. WHY WAS I UPSET?
I had no reason to be.


Then I realized that there had to be a reason.
And there was only one thought that could clear it all up.
I liked him.
And THEN I got extra frustrated because I swore I wouldn't fall for another guy again.
But I did.

...

Anyway Its just really difficult liking someone in high school, isn't it?
Since both sides are still young and naive, we get our hearts broken easily and we break others' just as easily too :/

I knew I should have never been interested in him.

I led myself right into a trap.

And now I'm caught.
With no way out until the end.

Lesson: Not Learned

Remember those days when I used to emo a lot and stuff? :/
No guys I'm not proud of it or anything. I know I mention it a lot, but it doesn't mean I'm boasting that I'm more experienced or something.
I'm not.
In fact, I might just be VERY inexperienced still.

It looks like I haven't learned my lesson since then.
I'm making the same mistakes again.
But for a different person.
Why won't I listen to my conscience?
Why do I always go against the law I created for myself and do things I shouldn't,
only to end up being disappointed and heartbroken? ):

I'm such a pathetic person sometimes.
Really.
When will I understand?
That its not worth it caring too much for others.
Nor is it any better being interested in supporting others.
I NEVER get the benefits I think I would...

How many more times do I have to fall?
... I won't give up getting back up again.
But all I'm asking is that you give me a break, God.
I'm kind of tired for the moment, of being let down.

I don't wanna feel like this all the time.
Especially not when the examinations are going on...

Yeah.
That's it.

Thanks :)

..Boys.

I swear, are the hardest things on earth to understand.
I've no idea what they are going to do next, what their thinking, and what goes on in their mind 24 hours a day.
Its creepy.
It intimidates me sometimes.

Sigh.

Well, that's it.
Haha.
Well at least I made the effort to blog..
I promise I'll do better next time,
ciao! :D

When The World Is Against You

Mistakes. Failures. Successes.
We all have them. But it is also up to us, how we take it.
Choices. Decisions. Consequences.
When we choose how we'd take it, we'll make a decision. And that decision will determine the following consequences.
Is there ever a sane person in this world that wants bad things to happen to them?
I don't think so. At least, not a person in his/her right mind.

Not that I'm a busybody,
but I've realized- noticed, actually - how many people there are in this world that go through depression.
And no, not depression on the superficial level, but as in really REALLY deep inside.
Not just hating yourself for being ugly and not being able to do anything about it,
but wanting to just take your life away, trying every single damn time, but not being able to take it away because you're afraid. Or maybe you're just worried that your parents won't feel too good about your absence.
Living everyday, walking out in the streets, afraid to live. Afraid to look at people in the eye, afraid to voice out, afraid to show how you really feel.

And it slowly gets worse,
you start off with cutting yourself: with blades and knives and all that sharp things.
Every where.
Your wrists, arms, legs, feet, upper body... and it never stops.
Its a conflict like that.
Not being able to die, but not wanting to live either.

Then one day, the poor girl or guy would sit there and think:
how did I get so far into this depression in the first place?

Right.

Because the world is against me.

I would like to create awareness against bullying/ excessive teasing/insulting.
Sure, for some people who assume that they are more superior than others,
it might be interesting. Or fun even, to torture people like that.
Some might even laugh it off like it was all in a day's work in the end.
But. Have they ever thought of the consequences that would come from the decisions they have made?

In a long term, have they ever thought that they would end up taking someone's life simply because of words like...
You're ugly.
You're stupid.
You're so invisible.
F*ck off, LOSER.
Wimp.
Slut.
Piece of sh*t.
You're better off DEAD.

No. They don't.
They tease or bully because they like it.
Which, in my opinion, is very very VERY wrong.
Why must you make a person's life difficult?
Don't you know that we were all created with our own talents that differ from the rest?
How can you call a person an outcast and a loser just because they can't do the things you can?
Who knows? If your talent wasn't in trend, YOU might have been the one being shunned.
You might have been the one afraid to go to school everyday.

Even if you're not particularly interested in showering these poor people with sugar-like compliments,
at least don't bully them.
And if they annoy the heck out of you naturally,
stay away from them.
Don't even think of getting close to them.

What's your problem anyway? What if people did the same to you?
What if you were in their shoes?
Would you like feeling suicidal everyday because of the people whom you thought were your friends dissed you and physically abuse you?

Didn't think so.

And as for the other side of the party,
you can't lose easily. You can't give up.
No matter what people think or say about you, there's no denying that you ARE equally capable in being pretty, smart, athletic, artistic.. anything you wanna be.
If you're weak, you'll fall into this horrid 'depression' thing easily.
It isn't a nice experience.. from what I've seen and heard.
So stay strong.
And always believe in yourself :)

Once again, I'd like to thank God. For everything that he's done for each and everyone of us.
Its sad that some of us lose our faith easily, and fall into self-hurting, drowning in our own sorrows, and keeping our head hung low, when we can actually obtain success so easily, if only we believe and trust in ourselves, family, true friends, and God.
So let's all work together to make this world a better place for us to live in :)
Let's start by saying nice things to others, offering help whenever possible, smile more often, and stop bullying.

Yours truly,
Rachox.

Taking Risks

I've been doing this a lot lately.
Without actually knowing I'm doing it xD
Until lately, I've realized just how many risks I've been taking.
Both small and big ones.

Small ones?
Well I've been pushing my homework aside a lot nowadays. I don't do them that much anymore. I'm always procrastinating saying "I'll just do them tomorrow morning at school" , hoping fervently that I'll make it in time tomorrow to hand it in X)

The bigger ones?
I've been taking up a lot of responsibilities in school. In class, extra classes and in extra curricular activities.
Well it isn't that bad if you look at it that way. Its good even.
But I already have so much homework.
I really can't manage xD

The BIG ones?
Since I've been having way too many things to do = lot more stress (?)
I've been looking for things to keep me away from being too stressed out sometimes.
So I go online.. try to find some Korean drama to watch.. NOTHING.
Some interesting fan fiction to read... NOTHING.
Find some inspiration in me to draw or write something.. NOTHING.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
So I go to facebook, and played Tetris (now that's only one of the risks I take which might make my life worse than it already is)
Tetris became the first facebook game I actually play. Even though I'm not super interested in it or anything.

THEN.
I meet this guy.
Who's like super quiet.
But its not like that's bad.
Its really good in fact.
Because that makes him mysterious.
It makes me wanna know more about him.
Plus, he's cute.

... I was at first interested only because he's adorable.
But now, I'm not so sure anymore.
HAHA. My heart is so terribly fickle.
I think I'm only possibly falling for him because I force myself to.
To like someone.
Cause when you do,
don't you tend to think of them, like, all the time?
It makes you happy.
Even if its just for that moment,
but that moment,
makes all the difference :)

Am I wrong though?
Should I stop now?
:/ Sigh. Its another test I have to face.
I hope I won't do too bad this time, God :D

Irony Strikes. Again.

Hi. Just in case you wouldn't know, this post is related to the one before.
What is wrong with me and my timing? Seriously? Or are things always just fated to be this way?
Failure for life?

I don't know.

Just when I started falling for him, he gets a girlfriend.
So I thought, you know, fine. I lost my chances. So I'm gonna give up.
and just when I'm determined enough to totally give up on him,
he breaks up with her.

WTF.
FML.

If we're all just playing in this stupid game,
I want it to stop.
I don't want to be the person he'll just use to keep himself from being downright depressed.
To run from the reality that he'd just broken up with the one he really has feelings for.
I hate being a replacement.
I always have.
I hated being a replacement for my friend's best friend.
This is no different either.

Sigh.
Will I always be just second best?

Vent?

Hi. There's one and only one reason why I came to blog here today.
Sigh. I wonder, really, when the time will come for me to meet HIM. The one.
I'm kind of pained.
Everyday I see him, happy, sad, scared, elated, angry, joyful.
But all with her.
But its not like I can hate her though.
She's so nice, so pretty, so soft-hearted...

I really don't know what I should feel so I just let it go.
And I know time can heal anything.
So I'm just waiting.
But its still there.
It is going away I guess... but so torturingly slow that it still hurts almost as much as it did before.

And when he doesn't hate me or doesn't feel disgusted with me,
Its like he's giving me false hope.
And I get little of these hopes everytime, only to be crushed to the ground again,
I know I should give up.
I already have.
But its still there.
I can't help it.

I need to get over him.
But he keeps appearing in front of me everyday and I can't help but not get over him.
Sigh.

And he's not even that handsome. Or cool.

Dreams

Dreams.

It makes you wonder, doesn't it?
How it is supposed to help in the future..
If you might even get to succeed at what you're dreaming on and on about everyday.
The things you hope to do,
the things you hope to get...

Yes, it is difficult.
Who ever said it was going to be easy? :)
Nobody reaches their dreams without falling countless of times and getting back up, only to fall again.
Until one day, when all their mistakes have been learned and when everything is revealed,
.. I suppose there is no such thing.
After all, there is no finishing line in life, is there?
It never ever stops until, well..
you die.

Heh.

Sorry. Kinda got carried away there.

What I meant to say is that dreams aren't something that you should just think of everyday and put aside.. like its a illusion, a hopeless, impossible miracle.

Its not.

Nothing is impossible unless you limit yourself that way.
I only learned this much so far and yet I know there is so much more left for me to learn.

Dreams aren't something that are meant only for the talented and born-gifted people.
Dreams are something that anyone can have. Everyone.
Unless you do something about it, it certainly will remain an unreachable dream.


So keep at it.
Work hard.
Don't give up easily.
Keep your head up.
Smile.
Live.
Laugh.
Love.

Am I That Annoying To You?

Really?
We talk for less than 5 minutes, and suddenly you don't want to talk anymore.
We used to talk about everything .. and I mean EVERYTHING.
And now it just feels like we're strangers.
We have drifted really far away from each other, haven't we?

I must have been really annoying huh.

Well congratulations for successfully distancing yourself me.

Peering Out Into The Real World

Hi~
Okay.. so today, I went to the optical shop and re-adjusted my glasses. Now I feel a teensy weensy bit better I guess :/

doesn't matter.
So I was at the mall earlier today. Mid Valley. I love going to malls.
Malls have everything from food to fashion to any other household items you'd need.
Its also really great to see all the shoppers walking around in the mall.
I get to see the latest fashion/ everyone's different or unique taste.
I love seeing individualism. And I find that that's where I get to see them the most.

I also noticed how there are many couples walking around, cuddling (on the left as they should be) and smiling and other people being busy, walking briskly, while others are with friends and families.
And then I saw me.
Just me.
For the first time,
without judging if I was pretty or ugly, or smart or dumb, or worthless or worth it, or strong or weak.
I saw Rachel Tan.
I was shocked.

I saw a human. Who could do things some other people can't.
While others are having a happy love life, I had a happy family.
While some others were so busy, I was (you could say) quite free.
While some were upset, I was feeling fine.
While some people couldn't afford to eat, I could.
While some people were fat, I was average.
While some people had to beg for money, I could live well.

I saw that I was an average person totally capable of doing anything if I could just believe (Tribute to Whitney Houston's song  right here :D)

And I realized actually how much the world has been dirtied since some time ago.
More people are sinning: lying, robbing, raping, kidnapping, killing. Most of them without feeling the consequent remorse.
It really is shameful.
But then again, there are others who live as well as possible away from these things.
So I guess there are still some good in this world :)

Anyway,
That was a very VERY long unnecessary elaboration..
I was at the McD's waiting for the food to be served. (Since I was just sitting and not the one lining up :P)
And a little boy sat right next to me, with his small figure and huge eyes and long lashes and everything, he looked right at me.
And he was just SOOO darn CUTE! Though he was Malay, I'm not a racist so it doesn't really matter to me.

He was like staring at me for 30 seconds. And I did the same.
Then when his mum came, he pointed at me (while still looking at me) and said
"Cantik"

I was like:
Dumbfounded.
WOAH.
What.The. F.
Did he just call me pretty?

I was so happy.
He totally made my day.
If only he was older .. MUCH older, I would have fallen for him.
He's just SO FREAKIN adorable.
I still remember those huge eyes now :)

And so I realized how a simple word like that can make someone's day.
I just realized how selfish I have been all this time.
Keeping all my comments to myself and not letting people know about them,
I should.. especially when the are positive comments,
I want them to know it.

That they are worth it.
God made them just right.
And that they deserve everything.
As long as they work hard for it.

Therefore from today onwards, I'll try my best to tell people what I really think of them.
And not hide all the time (though I have to sometimes under certain circumstances)

This is what the real world is all about.
Cheating yourself, cheating others, or doing things to make this world a better place (tribute to Michael Jackson)

Good luck guys :)
Have a nice day and thanks for visiting.
xoxo

Goodbye Again :)

Hm.. I've been updating a lot recently..
But I'm sorry,
I won't be able to for some time again next week and after that because I've decided to focus on my studies..
No, I'm not saying I won't come back for a month or something like that,
its just gonna take longer for me to get back so..
yeah.
Goodbye.
OH!
And have a nice day ^^

Karma

Heey I'm back again.
I miss blogging and talking to.. well, literally, no one xD
But if there is someone, I would be glad :)

Anyway, so. About this karma.
I've been a little upset about the way people treat my honesty and loyalty these days.
For example, you have a sister or a friend that you are extremely close to,
and you've vowed never to tell her wrong doings or secrets to anyone.

She had never told you that she will do the same,
but you just assume she will because that's what best friends/sisters are for.

And all of a sudden,
without you noticing it,
she's gone behind your back and told everyone about your wrongdoings and lies and secrets.
Even though you've been keeping her secrets totally safe within you.
And you get all worked up and really mad because you wonder what in the world have you done to deserve this?

Nothing, of course.
Because you've always been the loyal one, the honest one, the caring one.
One day these things just hit you like a strong heat wave and it usually catches you unguarded.
You'll feel lost, depressed and most of all, angry.
But its not like you can do anything about it.

Its not like you should, in turn, go around telling everybody her secrets too.
Because that would make you just as ugly, distorted, annoying, disloyal and cunning as she is.
Its not like you have anyone else to tell this feeling of discontentment to either because she's really the only person you ever vent to.
So what do you do?

Here's my personal suggestion:

You wait.

For karma to strike back at her.
Don't get me wrong, I ain't cursing no one. Karma can be good or bad, depending on which position you're at.
You don't act repulsively. Stay calm and keep your mind distracted by doing things like watching a movie, or getting your homework done or surfing the net.
Time will pass by before you know it.

And if it takes karma too long to take its course,
don't worry.
The longer you wait, the harder the consequence will come down on her.

So what I'm trying to say is
don't ever do bad things. You try not too, since its impossible never to do bad things.
When you can, avoid doing them.

God (if you're a believer) will not punish the innocent, only the ones who have sinned and done wrong.

(If you're not a believer) They also say, what goes round comes around :)

WHEEE

Yeah hi there. Its been... 11 days since the last time I blogged.
I feel guilty for it and now it feels a little awkward to be blogging again X)
Anyway if you're reading this, thanks for stopping by my blog anyway.
I appreciate it.

I've just been so busy with my schedule in school and even back at home.
There seems to be exactly no time left for me to even blog anymore.
:( There are a terrible amount of things left for me to memorize now.
And yet, there is so little time

Pray for me?
I'll appreciate that a lot.
Life is a little difficult now because of school -.-
But I'm sure I'll get by and get used to it soon.
Thanks again for stopping by. See you next time.
Sayonara~

I'm So SO Tired

Lately, school has been a little bit of a drag.
School used to be so much fun.
Until the start of this year.
Homework. Tests. Homework. Tests. More homework. More revision.
And more tests.

Its like 24 hours aren't enough for a day.
I spent 1/3 of the day at school. The other third eating, taking a shower and doing my homework and revision.
And by the time I'm done with washing the dinner plates,
I have almost no time left for relaxation time.

Seriously.
I'm tired.
I want my old life back.
But I know it can never happen.
How childish it is for me to even think like that in the first place.

I just..
I need... some time off every now and then.
But I can't bring myself to because this is Form 4 and I need to put in more focus and concentration than usual.
Plus, its not like my mum'll let me cool off so often anyway.

So.. I'm forced to..
feel pressured?

The Youngest Member Crisis

I'm blogging this here because I don't know where else to confide in.
I swear that I don't want to hear any sad songs for the next month or so.
To any one who knows me who's reading this, I beg you not to vent to me for a while. OR talk about anything depressing.

If the family respect and listens to the father,
And the siblings listen to the mother,
The younger sibling respect the elder sibling,
Then who listens to the youngest?
No one, right?

Who cares about what the one with least authority thinks?
Does anyone actually care at all?
If I say something,and actually truthfully and honestly mean it,
They would probably still think that I'm spreading lies, wouldn't they?
What more can I do if they won't believe me?
What else is there that I can do if no one understands me?!

Every single one of my close friends are NOT the younger sibling,
And they wouldn't understand what I'm feeling right now.
It isn't fair if everyone considers it their right to lecture you or even to put the blame on you every chance they get.
It's not fair at all.

Who is, after all, fair, in this world?
In this filthy world where only the pretty and knowledgeable and strong and sociable people matter?
Who else matters? Would someone like me matter?
If I don't matter in this family,
Then how can I be even a speck of dust in this world?

Little Sweetheart

To you who is far away and unimaginable,

To you who makes the sun shine just a little brighter each day,

To you whose existence will complete me.

Life is not the same without you,

they say one day we shall meet

it shall be planned,

or maybe by divine intervention.

But that doesn't really matter.

I just wonder if your smile will take my breath away,

if you're all I need for living,

if you look even better than those cuckoos dancing and singing on tv.

If you're love itself.

It is not the right time.

I wonder when it shall be.

When we will finally be able to come face to face,

the day that comfort is found,

the day that love is found,

in my little sweetheart~

I Should Just

Go to hell.

The Sad Peaceful Day

The first day of the year that people are sad.
Well, most people anyway, including me.
I guess the more emotional ones will feel it.
Animals are in pain, humans are in despair, even the sky cried for us tonight.
Something is definitely missing.
Something I don't know.

I have people who would listen.
But no one with proper advice. And no one who would care enough to comfort me.
I'm almost like trash.
Except I'm human.
And.. since I'm human,
I'm sure there are still some useful things left in me.

I hope I can put those into good use.
And ignore every insult that comes across me.
Ignore what everyone thinks about me behind my back.
Because.
There's no one left to trust out there in this filthy unfair and depressing world.

I can only trust myself.
So,
it shall be.