I MISS YOU.

I'm supposed to be doing my homework now. I'm supposed to be focusing. On physics. And add math.

LOL. Really.
I'm supposed to.

But I can't do it. I CAN'T. I don't even understand the shit I'm doing. Why did the spring have to be multiplied by 3 when I've already gotten the answer? I don't get it..?

So I just shut my book and sigh real loudly. I intended to get them done today. Looks like there's no chance of that happening now. Well, there are certainly plenty of issues going on right this moment...

1. I need to sleep early today but I have a really bad feeling that ain't gonna happen...

2. I keep looking back and forth and my music player, homework, and Facebook. It isn't helping in the least.

3. I don't really know if the problem exists, but.. is Wei Yi getting uncomfortable around me? :/

4. I keep wondering about what I can do for my birthday this year. What can I do?! Party? Shop with friends? Karaoke? (which I suck at) Well, you can forget Laser Tag cause I don't really like the looks of it.. Sigh. SERIOUSLY. Time isn't passing any slower.

5. I keep thinking about him.. you know... HIM...

And then that branches out into several other problems.

Okay first of all, we don't talk as often anymore. I used to talk to him every single day of the week but now its like we talk every three days minimum. Maybe one week max D: And if I don't find a way to fix this awkwardness, it'll just get worse and worse and one day, we might not even talk anymore! Is this a sign for me to give up..?

Secondly, I mean, it shouldn't even bug me. But this is like my diary which I'm sure no one really reads except for myself anyway so yeah, I'm just gonna be honest and truthful about my feelings and pour them all out here cause no one really gives a damn except for myself, which is sad I know. But hey, there are some things in life you just gotta take, yeah?

SOO like.. mycrushismybestfriend'sexandapparentlytheybothlikedeachotheralot. IN THE PAST. I'm kinda glad for my best friend. Well because... it shows that she has some kind of humanity in her after all. But.. I'm kinda crushed also. So like... it IS true when they say that you will never get to be a guy's first. And if you ever are, it doesn't last cause you'll break up anyway. I don't know what to feel. But this is one of the not-so-important things that bugs my mind. Since after all, it was all in the past.. Still, I can't help but to think if there are any lingering feelings left.. I'm such a whiny bitch, aren't I? I shouldn't even be worried about this since they were together like YEARS ago.

...

And well, other than that, I'm troubled because..

I MISS HIM SO TERRIBLY MUCH.

Someone please take the sharpest knife in my house (which is actually really really sharp) and stab it right through my heart please. I can't take it much longer. I try to act tough, like I really don't care. But I actually do a lot and my heart is hurting. And the worst thing is, I can't even do anything about it because I promised myself I wouldn't get too close and give him some space. I also promised myself I wouldn't get into any relationships until after high school. Which is like a year and a half from now.

That is quite an awful long time of waiting for something you are quite desperate for, don't you agree?

I know he isn't really that good-looking, he isn't sporty at all, he plays a lot of video games, he doesn't talk much but he's really sarcastic when he does, and has weird interests, but I still like him. Why?

Even I don't know why. Really.

This is the first time I'm attracted to a guy not because of his looks, or physical ability, or popularity. And the one time something as wonderful as this happens, he ends up being my best friend's ex. And it seemed he even liked her a lot. And vice-versa.

Okay what am I talking about? Its going back to that topic again. Sigh.

I'm NOT jealous ok? I'm serious. I'm just feeling so insecure right now. And the fact that he doesn't and hasn't ever tried to start the conversation with me first doesn't help me feel any better. I feel like I'm just annoying him, and that's making me feel more and more distant from him everyday because I tend to leave him alone just to give him some space.

Its making me feel empty inside. No matter how much chocolate I eat, how much my friends try to comfort me, I just feel that emptiness that can never be filled. Something is missing. And I just KNOW its him because I know what it felt like when things were fine with him.

Am I the problem? Am I not good enough? Am I took skinny? Fat? Ugly? Annoying? Arrogant? Too Quiet? Two-faced?

Please tell me. Don't leave me hanging ):

You have no idea how much I miss talking to you like we did before the whole event thing that Sunday. I'm really really sorry if I messed up.. big time. And don't apologize. I never expected anything from you. I just expected more from myself. Don't stay away please. Don't make me feel lonely when I'm not.

I need you. As desperate as that sounds...

But yeah. I miss you a lot. And only God knows how much 'a lot' means.

Chasing

It was a game from the start.
I guess I was optimistic at first.
So I saw it as a challenge.

It was a challenge I knew was possible to overcome.

However, as time passed, I find myself wavering, weakening,
and I was just not the same anymore.
I started thinking about all these negative things...
I started losing hope,
the evidences that seemed so right to me now seem fake and unreal.

I don't know what to believe in anymore now.
I never used to be the tired one, but now I am.
I didn't use to chase others around for anything, but I am now.

I don't know what to do or say.
I'm so lost and confused.
And its all because of him :(

I don't know whether I should continue with this or just give up.
Because I'm so SO tired of chasing him around.

Confused

The people who matter and the the people who don't.
I never used to be able to differentiate the two..
I'm still not very good at it.

Hence, I hope I'm right.

After all, this IS a new feeling I'm getting.
I don't know what to do, or how to react to it.
I'm a little fearful of the consequences that are bound to hit me if I react in a certain way,
whether its good or bad.

I used to think I was just plainly obsessed.. with him.
But now I'm not so sure anymore.
I don't really think its an obsession.
I think its just a reason I give myself in order to feel more comfortable.

Well its not like I'm helplessly in love either.
I'm not.
I think.

...

But I know there's a special feeling.
One I've never felt before so far in the last 15 years of my life.
I don't know who to ask about this.
My friends all don't really get it.
I'm too much of a chicken to ask my teachers....
I definitely wouldn't talk about this with my parents either...

So...

I don't know.
What do you think?