As If It Wasn't Enough

As if it wasn't enough that I just got over my crush,

as if it wasn't enough that my sister irritated me

that my mum was rushing me.

That no one really cared about me at school today.

That today was a bad hair day, a day when I suddenly have low self-confidence.

My dad who's usually working overseas is home and he just yelled at me.

Fuck yeah.

How amazing the feeling was.

I was speechless.

There was a moment of silence. But I knew what I had to do.

I apologized. For something I know I did wrong but don't deserve to be yelled at for it.

Its crazy.

I'm SO heartbroken.

Coz my sister and mum are always bullying me.

Not exactly bullying. More like.. always siding each other when a problem surfaces.

Then I get blamed for it.

I ALWAYS GET THE BLAME.

Fuck numerology.

It says my dad will help me when my mum and sister 'gang bangs' me.

Well.

It didn't work.

In fact,

ALL THREE OF THEM WERE AGAINST ME.

Now I finally see it.

In this family, I'm always the lone ranger.

No one ever takes my side.

Every thing gets directed at me. Never good stuff.

Always the bad ones.

And I know I can't say anything to that.

Fuck. I mean if a simple show of temper could piss my dad off like that,

if I told him that neither of them are ever on my side,

I don't think I'll be there to watch the next sunSET. (its 5 pm now)

Being the youngest might always seem to be a benefit to all elder siblings out there,

but in my family,

it effing isn't.

Lucky for me, I'm always ready. With a few layers of defence around my heart.

Or my eyes would have been puffy by now.

I hate my family life.

And right now, even the beginning of my love life.

My friends life.

My.. everything.

I can't be myself around my friends,

Now I can't even be myself around my FAMILY.

I thought family were supposed to be the bestest friends you'll ever have.

Now I know.

That maybe.

I was wrong.

I Don't Know

My life is getting a little messed up again D:

Okay so here's the deal.

SOME EFFIN PERSON WHO MUST'VE READ MY BLOG OR ALREADY KNOWS THAT I LIKE 'HIM' TOLD 'HIM' himself.

OR HE COULD'VE GUESSED HIMSELF.

But it would so not make sense because he sounds so super duper confident about it.

He knows.

HE KNOWS I like him.

F***.

okay. so that's one complication.

And the other is my studies. Trials is only ... ONE WEEK away.

And I'm not even close to ready.

How will I face the exams?

I've practically the least time ever. There's nothing GOOD I can pull off now.

SIGHHHH

Okay. Back on the first complication.

I don't know how I'm supposed to react.

Should I ignore him? and pretend like we never even knew each other?

OR should I pretend like I never knew he knows about my feelings and give up on him at the same time and be my own person?

Honestly speaking, I think the second one is better. Yeah?

YEAH. TOTALLY.

Go me.

Sigh. I feel so deprived of my supposedly peak of teenage life.

I'm suffering.
And the only thing I'm waiting for now is the end of PMR.

For The First Time~

I spent so much money for a measly birthday gift for a 'friend' this year.

For the first time. Hehe. And I didn't even feel bad that I did that

Instead, I feel great!

Like, yay! I bought him/her a present and I know he/she's gonna love it! (Though its not their favourite color but still...)

Sighs.

Fine.

I'll tell you nervous anticipating readers.

I bought a gift for my crush. AND I HONESTLY HOPE HE NEVER EVER GOES TO MY BLOG OR I WILL BE DEAD.

Hehe. Cause he'll so totally know that its him when he reads this.

Is this what falling in love for the first time feels like?

It feels great =)

But I'm not a fool. I know it won't last forever.

The signs are already showing.

I get jealous when I see another girl with you.

I feel so happy when you show the tiniest bit of a smile.

I feel bad when you look down.

I wanna know how holding your hand would feel like...

I wanna know how your voice would sound like.

I sound like a total creep.

A psycho perhaps.

But that's what love did to me.

And I like it.

A lot ♥

I know

I know it hurts. And its painful and your heart's been broken so many times.

But you always have to get back up again.

Because that's what life's all about.

When I see you sad, I get sad too.

When you cry, I feel like crying too.

You should know by now, how precious you are to me.

And I would give my life away just to see you eternally happy.

Incomplete Puzzle

Where are you when I need you?

Why are you always not there in my time of need?

Do you.. not like me?

Am I annoying?

Cause I sure think I am.

I know its my fault. Everything is, anyway.

For... liking you in the first place.

SIGH.

I'm plenty depressed today. About SO many things.

Friendship. Love life. Family. And THE MOST IS?

ME.

Hell yeah I'm depressed at myself.

Why can't I ever be the best? Or maybe even anywhere that light shines upon?

Why am I always in the darkness?

Why isn't there a person who could understand my feelings?

Why does the person I want to understand my feelings... don't understand?

Why am I always a lone-ranger fending for myself?

Why don't I have a comrade?
Why are my parents always being so.. annoyingly overprotective?

Why is no one there beside me?

To laugh with me. To cry with me. To fall with me. To rise with me. To pull me up. To cheer me up?

Why am I always alone?

And this guy I like isn't helping much either.

... IS he a jerk?

I really don't know. Maybe I'm blinded by puppy love.

But I don't know that either.

Maybe he actually is an a-hole.

But I don't know that.

Sigh. Life is a puzzle.

But when in the f*** will I ever be able to figure it out?

Hurricane

Some people are just so lucky.

There were born with the looks. The charm. The brains. The talent. The skills. The brawns. The courage. The attitude.

And I do admit that I sometimes wonder if God gave them special attention when he made them an individual.

Why wasn't I like that?

Why am I so boring and quiet and insensitive and always PMS-ing and a jerkface?

Why?

Why was I given such a heavy and painful past to move on from?

Why was I scarred at such a young tender age?

I pity myself.

And this time its not like I don't know why,

cause I do. I know why.

I don't want to feel this way.

But I do.

And I envy all those celebrities and naturally popular/beautiful/handsome people out there

that can make it big without even putting in much effort at all.

I hate that I can't be like that that's why I always avoid taking a liking to them.

I don't want to acknowledge the fact that they're better than me but I can't hide it anymore.

I won't hide it anymore.

I'm always in the middle somewhere.

I'm not ugly. But I'm not hot either. I'm not dumb but I'm not a genius either.

I'm not handicapped but I'm not all that amazing either. I'm not talent-less but I'm not exactly talented either.

Its like being in the middle of a hurricane and everything's/everyone's either surviving or dying and you're struggling between dying and surviving. Which is the most painful, you know?

And I think recently I'm starting to like this popular guy but I don't want to.

Cause he's a jerk.

But I'm falling deeper and deeper every time and I really regret ever being nice and talk to him.

There's a big mess in my head. But I can't seem to clear it up.

And every single thing in my life right now just feels so wrong.

every thing's not in the right place.

Sigh. What do I do?

Mum, Why Must You Be So Persistent?

Aren't children individuals with a mind too?

Can't we think for ourselves the decisions we make with the foundation that you've set for us?

Do you not think we care for you?
GOD you guys can be so selfish sometimes.

I love you mum. I love you like how every other good child would.

I would cry and break down if you weren't here for me.

I KNOW I LOVE YOU.

BUT

Why do you act like this?

I have not done anything wrong.

Yes. I might be cheating myself by going online to play when exams are so close but you know what?

I MADE THIS DECISION.

Thing is: I KNOW I'M CHEATING MYSELF this way.

I KNOW I MIGHT NOT GET GOOD GRADES.

I don't need you to tell me that.

I know what I'm doing.

Sometimes I wonder if you even realize I'm not a child anymore.

I'm not a kid anymore.

I'm a teenager.

A young adult.

I have brain and a sound mind.

I can think for myself.

And I already have thought of the consequences.

So can I just do this without having you nagging at me of the things that I already know?

Do you know how frustrating it is sometimes but I have to hold back when you nag because I don't want something inexplicably bad to happen?

YEAH. YOU DON'T KNOW.

Which is why I'm telling you now.

I'm old enough to think.

To actually use my brain.

So you don't need to be my brain for me anymore.

You can be part of my heart instead. And I will certainly always have a place for you there.

I love you.

And that's all you have to know and control.

>:(

That's basically how I look right now.

I need a choreograph for Coming Home/Magic BADLY

and no one's encouraging. Really. Except for Darius and.. well.... my fellow members? (which aren't helping)

God... I'm in such a mess.

A Selfish Spoilt Brat.

F*** you. I bet I've never ever told you that I really DESPISE spoilt brats that won't change. Like, say, EVER.

You're a mess. You look ugly in whatever dress. You think you're the best. But you're all the way at the last.

If curses could never hurt one's heart.

I would've cursed you a million times by now.

If you hate something so much, why do you still want to possess it?

Where the f*** is your logic?

Who wouldn't throw something they hate away?

Why won't you just f***ing tell me if you don't want to be my friend anymore?

JUST TELL ME DARN IT.

I'm tired of playing HideNSeek. I'm tired of playing this wild goose chase.

It HAS to STOP.

I'm f***king tired and exhausted.

And I hate your new you.

I'm not gonna say 'No offense' because I really want you to feel offended.

YOU SUCK.

You might be a genius. You might think you're good. You might think everyone adores you. You must think you're so f***ing good that everyone just accepts you. You might think you're strong. You might think you have a good voice. You might think you're awesome. You might think you're pretty. You might think the guys go 'ga-ga' over you. You might think you're So. F***ing. Good. In. Every. Damn. Thing.

Well I tell you what.

There is ONE person who will never agree to all that.

THAT'S ME.

You're a selfish WHORE.

You're an idiot who thinks I don't know it but I do.

You think you're so FREAKIN MATURE and that everyone else around you could never match up to your level.

Well NEWS FLASH. You're human and I am too. You're 15 and I am too. Who says you can be so much more perfect compared to everyone else?

You an arrogant, selfish, crazy, insane, inhumane, hypocritical, disappointing, slutty, irritating, annoying, wimpy, jerk-face friend

And sometimes I wonder if you even know that.

Losing faith. Fearless.

Humans are so fickle minded.

We always say we have an objective. A dream. A goal.

Its easy to say that. And its just as easy to drift away isn't it?

So easy to just give up on what seems to be the last and only hope.

So easy to just push every person away so you can just mourn for your lonely self.

Taking the easier way.

To not waste time and energy to make things better cause really, things can't be perfect.

But is it worth being lazy and defensive?

To just watch from the sidelines as others are having the 'time of their life'?

To fake a smile when really, you're breaking down inside?

Won't it be much better if you just got your lazy ass up the ground and start moving? Forward.

Then maybe at least, instead of a 0% chance of not being able to attain happiness,

you might ACTUALLY be able to get it.

Taking the chance. Seizing the opportunity.

That's what life is all about.

Life isn't just about love. Life is about being courageous enough to explore anything. And I mean ANYTHING.

In the first place, why is there even a need to run away from your problems,

when there's actually a way to fix it and get rid of it from your life?

Living is not about not having fears.

Living is ALL about overcoming your fears.

If only

If only I could turn back time.

If only I could feel the same for you again.

If only you could feel the same for me again.

If only things were what there were like before.

If only your heart never rotted.

If only I didn't make the mistakes I did..

I never meant to hurt you. You know that.

But why won't you allow me to change?

Do you want me to stay like this because you know I'm having a better life like this?

Or do you want me to stay this way because you want to have someone to hate?

I really don't know anymore.

Maybe the reason you came into my life is just for God to teach me one of the millions of lessons in life.

Maybe you are one of those people that just come and go.

But who are you really?

And why do I feel this way?

Why can't I let you go?

Why do I still love you even though you don't feel the same for me anymore?

Even though I'm insignificant to you now...

Why?

... If only I could turn back time.