Difficult

The struggle between what-I-want-to-do and what-is-right.

You know sometimes I just don't see, say or hear anything.

Its like I put up an invisible barrier around me and in that barrier is my own world.

I see what's not in reality. I hear voices no one else but I can.

And I become so infatuated in my own thoughts that the world around me just disappears.

And that's when the battle begins.

" I can't do it. They'll laugh at me, insult me.. I just can't"

" Who cares what others think of you? Are you gonna sulk all day just because of this??"

" I told you. I can't risk my pride."

" And I've told you so many times before. Listen to me; trust in yourself"

" ..."

And so that is how I usually make decisions.

An internal battle in my mind... no one can listen to nor see.

And it always ends up like this : "......."

Nothing.

I wouldn't make any decisions.

Because the good and bad are too balanced.

I can't say 'yes' or 'no'.

Its difficult. Really...

I have no problems.

The only problem is me.

I have an issue with myself.

I know its funny.

Yet.. at the same time, its not,... if it makes sense to you.

I need something to convince me. To motivate me.

Anything.

God?

Mum? Dad?

An inspirational novel?

Anything...

I need help, before it gets too out of hand.

A big.. mistake

You know the feeling when you know you just entered a trap?

And you knew that the trap was there,

but you entered it anyway.

Yeah.

That feeling.

And you actually feel happy that you're trapped.

Funny, right?

I never wanted to be trapped,

but now I wish I can stay here forever.

Which, really, is an impossible feat.

Because there are too many rules and everything..

I know it won't go on.

Even my frequent supporters are telling me to back down and just stop.

But who will I listen to?

My heart is telling me "No. Don't"

.. everyone else is telling me " pls. Do it"

Im .. not confused. But ...

Okay.

I think I've made my decision.

I was the one who's put this situation on myself.

.. So I have the direct responsibility to take it off as well.

This is nothing but another obstacle.

Another big.. MISTAKE.

I hate you sometimes

Yeah. Human feelings.

Damn it all.

I hate you and.. I don't want to feel like this but I do.

I hate you and there's nothing you can do about it.

I hate you and everyone scorns at me but that's fine, coz who cares what other people think?

I'm tired, stressed and exhausted.

So... tired.

Let's end this. Once and for all.

Excitement In Love~

LOVE.

It changes you into a whole different person.

You become someone you never know you were.

You start to become more confident.

It changes you that much. It shines on you so bright

No emotion can overcome this.

Why does it seem so hard to pull away?

.. I guess its a mystery with a reason no one has ever found out.

When you speak, my heart skips a beat.

Every single thing you do, seems so amazing.

Every breath... every second.

I thought I didn't need this,

but now, I think I can't not need this. I'll die. Literally.

I'd thought you were just a fairy tale prince charming.

But you've come and picked a cinderella from the drabs.

You gave her all that she needed. To survive.

What would she do without you?

What can I do without you?

There are so many impossibilities in this relationship.

Do you think we can make it?

Do you think it'll last?

Those thoughts aside,

you are the most beautiful and wonderful thing I've ever experienced.

through bad times, you lifted me up.

Through good times, you embraced me and kept it going.

I love you and you can trust in that.

Its exciting being with you. Even thinking of you.

Right now. Right this moment.

Even if we don't last, this feeling will never fade.

LOVE will never fade..

--in your memory,

Rachel.

Choices And Sacrifices

You know something's too impossible.

There's just no way you can make it work.

Through death, too, it won't work anyhow.

So.. what can you do?

The only option left is to suffer everyday longing for that something.

Isn't that terrible?

But then that will only happen when you limit yourself to it.

Actually, there is another..

but its kinda difficult, ya know?

The other is to just let go.

Forget.. and most importantly, forgive.. yourself.

Any choice you make isn't right or wrong no matter how good or bad it may seem.

If you think it's right, it most probably is logically.

But if you're wrong , it might just be an obstacle in your path you might just have to go through to make you a better person in the future =)

Ezzy for me to say,

I know its hard.

I can't 100% think positive either.

I'm still human.. and I think otherwise once in a while too.

But you know what? Its gift we were bestowed with.

We had and always will have different choices to choose from.

Which path we will take...

I'm sure we will make mistakes and hurt ourselves all the way through,

but know that you're not alone

and you have your friends and family with you.

--With love,

Rachox

I Think People Who Hate Themselves Are Really Hypocritical

If you have a good reason, then it may slide.

But really, why do you hate yourself? When in truth, you love yourself?

Why are you lying?

Isn't it more simple to just love yourself than doing the opposite?

I don't get you. All of you who feel this way.

Life's more than whining and drowning in depression.

...

.. Okay so if you won't listen

then I'll give up.

Coz I'm not an old grandma who needs to repeat herself over and over =)

Luv u guys lots.

And happy birthday dad!

You're the best!! ^^

Need Your Blessings

Yes, you.

And my love..

and my God.

Wonders

Have I changed that much?
There are lots of people who hated me said I've changed and that they are willing to give me a second chance.
But I don't think.. that that's true.
All that's happened are mistakes I've made and the little experiences I'd earned.
Had that changed me?

I feel the same. Just a tad older though.
And now I'm starting to look into the world. The outer world.
I'm still in school. A place that I've recently realized is the safest there is on Earth.
And I noticed I always take things and people around me for granted.
I know what I should do, yet I'm not willing to do it..

But still, I'm living. Alive and breathing.
That's a miracle in itself.
Isn't it ironic?
Two years ago, I hated life.
And now I love life.

I guess wonders DO work.. and miracles do happen.

My Heart's List

In our life, we meet many people with different ethics, races, believes, faiths and backgrounds.. and also from different countries.

Personally, I know quite less.. or maybe more I suppose. Its really more to how YOUR life is like.

But oh well.

Here goes.. to all the people I know and L.O.V.E

1) Mum&Dad - You gave me life, showed me how to LIVE my life. Thank you so much.

2) Sis - Even though you can be pretty annoying at times, I realise ur really the 1 I need the most at the crucial times.

3) Zhi En - Yeah. You would be the 1st friend I ever think about.. Be happy always, ok? =)

4) Kher Yuee - We might not be in the same school anymore. But you'll always be in my heart.

5) Christine - We're pretty much best friends in terms of likeness.LOL. Well I heart u, lead a good life and one day in the future I want to see you happy and well.

6) Krystal - I am so SO sorry about all the things I've ever said to hurt you. I care for you and I really hope you know that.

7) Grandma - I know you don't know English. But here's to you anyway. I love you. =)

8) Cuz Joe - You'll prob never ever be linked to this page... But hey, you're awesome XD

9) Cuz Marcus - Aww lookie. You're all grown up now. Don't you just miss the old times?

10) Mariko - Japanese. lol. cool. I'll always remember you. Now and forever.

11) Sherrie - Yes. You're among my reality love-life! =) I luv u gal. I hope I'll get to see you one day.

12) Ms. Rita - Yes. My Form 1 Science teacher. We're no longer in contact. But I'll always remember you, cuz ur the best teacher I've had so far. And prob one of the best forever and ever..

13) Jia Qian - Please forgive my bitchy-ness. I've been mad at you for quite some time. And I'm sorry.

14) Serene- You still mad at me? I'm sorry.. I don't know what I did. But I'm sure I offended u in a way.... I'm so very sorry. And if you don't believe in second chances or more, I'm not gonna push you to give me one =)

15) Yi Wen- You know, I've always taken you for granted. That's why I'm gonna say this: You mean something to me. You're a good friend. And thanks for being such a good one.

16) Megan - I don't know why. We don't talk much. But I feel like a friend to you. That when you're sad, I'm sad too. Don't worry, I don't stalk XD Luv ya~

17) Nattasha- I've never really forgotten you. Ever since the end of primary school. And when I met you again this year, I felt almost too terrified to speak.

18) Uncles and aunties- Yeah. I know I'm quiet.. and a loser. I'm sorry ok? I guess its just me.. But I love my family and therefore I love you guys too. God bless you~

19) Other cousins - You're so fun and you make life feel so light and fulfilled. You guys make my dreams temporarily come true. The memories I'll never forget...

20) Mr Andrew - Wondering what you're doing here? Or maybe you already know.. You made me realize things I never did before. You changed a part of me. And I thank you for that.

21) Sonia - hey sonia. I know what you're thinking.. lol. Even though we don't talk much, I feel like we have the most natural chemistry ever. So.. yeah... this goes as a tribute to u lol.

22) Kiryu - You're quite an encouragement. Thanks for showing me about that lady. What was her name again?

23) Wuji - No huggies?

24) Kyo - You're quite funny lol.. well at times, you really make me feel like I belong. thank u..

25) Monk- I know you're not on anymore.. well, not too often. But you brought me into the light that shone my path so much further..

26) Lumi - Fiercest. Wow. Thank you for inviting me..

27) Dester - A legend. You're strong lol. I acknowledge you. Seriously.

28) Cherie (Gan) - Yeah. You only smile and me and stuff and I'll prob forget you in years to come.. but, for now, you're a great big help to my friends and people around you. Thanks cherie.

29) Faith - Fencing partner. Wowwiee~ LOL! Amazingly sweet, but you're ready to abandon me anytime, I know that =) but nice to know you ^^

30) Daddy (bosi) - You're kind of the best guy I've ever met on net.. And your wife is seriously pretty lol.

31) Mummy (geisha) - You've been off lately.. -weeps- But you're a nice person. From USA even. lol. God bless you~

32) Shinichi - 'No speak english'? lol. well. ur one of the most innocent guys i've ever met. Congratulations?

33) Pathetic - A little different. But crazy and evil. I like it =P

34) Nino - I knew you through sherrie lol. I still remember. It was nice to get to know you.

35) Luna-nee - Its hard to talk to you sometimes >.<>

36) Sera-nee - I don't think we used to be this close. But now.. I think you mean more..

37) Raga - Ironic. You're always so strong. And I'm always so weak. LOL

38) Ipoh - You're kinda goofy and all.. but you're pretty awesome naturally.

39) Uncle Guan - I think.. well, I dunno what to say.

40) Slashy/BQ - Um? Cute? lol

41) Yaaw - Cool and clean. Perfect for a warrior.

42) Dimitry - I heard you're cool in wars. I haven't experienced it, but I guess I couldn't agree more.

43)Shahana - Nee-chan~ you were my 1st there ^^

44) Druka - We went all the way from union to fiercest together :D

45) Dannz- Friends?

46) Arunafeltz - I guess we've never really talked but.. hehe..

47) Jacko- I'm sure you'll find the right girl for you one day~

48) Bandels - I remember the times... sigh. Nice days weren't they?

49) Huang - Right. Always the 1st to give me my hug. XD

50) MILF - Nice s6 guy. My first s6 friend.

51) Faithlester - Nice guy.. I realize guys all have different hidden personalities lol.

52) LunatiCharm- Yeah. You're really nice. An you're still my friend lol. What a miracle.

53) Terie - ?? Speechless..~

54) Ekin/thong - Names.. names.. >.<>

55) Kennie- Just met you again this year. you're really friendly and cute... ^^

And many more to come..