Smiles and Laughter

What every girl would want?
Natural beauty.
A perfect smile.
A beautiful laugh.
A sing-song voice.
A caring friend.
Love.

Who cares if you get the worst grades if there's a friend there ready to care and cheer you up and when you have all the good attention you would ever want? Not to mention the beauty.
Who cares if you look ugly when you cry when everyone will care for you?
NO?
Yes, no.

That's every girl's dream.
To be cared for.
And honestly, we all don't and will probably never reach the full potential of the dream.

But we're getting there and that's all that matters.
So keep smiling.
And keep laughing.
And always try to be happy.
Because there's always a finishing line for life.

The Reason of It All

I can't believe I forgot for a moment there.
The reason of why I had moved on from my pains and sufferings.
That God was and always will be right next to me.
No matter what.
Yes I sound so old-fashioned and foolish for believing in Christianity like that.
But I believe God REALLY does exist.
And more than anything, he loves me and everyone else for who they really are.

And when I forgot about that,
I actually went though the same thing again.
So stupid for making the same mistake twice.

So here again. I want to clarify my actions and feelings for real.
I absolutely LOVE my friends.
I LOVE my family too.
And I EXTRA EXTRA LOVE LOVE LOVE God.

I thank God that I'm still here breathing, unharmed in any way, and alive until this day.
For bringing loved ones into my life and not taking them away.
For being there for me all the time when I'm down.

You can insult me then. Go ahead. For being such a silly fool. For believing in such a religion so easily.
But I put my foot down long ago.
I believe in this holy God. This loving father. This devoted teacher.

And our relationship will be the only relationship I have that will never be broken.

He Is So Scary

Okay I mean no offense to anyone here and I'd like to tell you this first because I know that the person I'm gonna talk about will NEVER come here.
And... yeah. Its gonna be a pretty mean post.

Let's start off with this:
THIS GUY IS... weird.
Okay. We never even met before. As in, we don't even know each other.
The only time we talked is on facebook...
and yeah. That's pretty much it.
But he likes me.

He likes me.
He LIKES me?
HE likes ME?
....
....
...
...

I was speechless.
Because I never thought of him that way.
And ever since then, I never really replied to his chats =.=
Cuz it was just waaayy too creepy.
And he posts all this romantic status on his wall and it really doesn't help my situation at all.
Of course, I know its directed to me because I've asked him before and..
well... yeah, you know what happened.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS CREEPO.
Honestly.
Just when I thought he gave up, he comes back again =.=
And saying stuff like 'I don't wanna let you go'... or, 'I feel stupid to give you up without a fight...'

Its disgusting. Revolting.
Eugh. Yuck. Ew.

I feel mean. Why? Because
1) I'm a racist. Yup that's right. I can't stand it when guys of.. THAT race likes me..
2) I really don't reply to him lol. At all. Only at rare times when I feel extremely high then yes.
3) I treat him quite.. badly. I kinda ignore him even if I DO talk to him.

IN CONCLUSION.
ITS REALLY CREEPY.
I JUST WANNA TELL HIM TO SCREW OFF.
But I'm too kind to do that. Not to mention gentle.
How in the world can I tell him off? Sigh..

Nothing Left But Me

I don't understand a lot of everything.
But that doesn't mean I need to, right?
I don't have to. Because some things are meant to be kept secret after all.

I thought I had many friends and people who would support me for a moment there.
But I was just deluding myself. I just realized that.
I really am slow. Am I growing old too soon?

When suddenly no one was there to comfort me, that was when I realized that I was in a sort of dream.
That in reality: No one cares at all.
Maybe if I suffered I dunno... cancer, or heart attack or something stupid... or maybe I was paralyzed.
Then just MAYBE they would worry.
Only for a little while.
Then they'll forget about it the next morning as if nothing had just happened.
And knowing that I've got a sickness, they are ashamed.
And will not talk to me. Or maybe even look at me.

See? That's how much they care for me.
Touching, isn't it?

So I decided that from now on I'm living on my own.
I live for myself and of course - for the peace of the world.
Which means I must act right and bring about the right consequences.
So nothing terrible happens and I get a good life.

I trust no one.
Love no one (except for my family)
And definitely, I'll never be silly and take part in something stupid which will end up bringing much disadvantage to me.

Its true.
I'm selfish. And I wonder who made me become that way.
But just so you know, I'm still nice.
Somehow, I can never fully NOT trust someone.
I can never fully NOT love someone either.

I wonder what this means..
But then again, I don't have to understand.
Cause some things are just meant to be kept secret.

I'm Crazy, But That's Just Who I Am

Yeah. So.. basically, the story of my life went like this:
In primary school, I was often mentally bashed by the popular creeps.
So I let that mental stress out on my other friends by using my friend to physically bash them.
Which means.. I don't do it. I tell others to do it.
Yeah.
But all the mental bashing took a toll on my mental sanity.
And therefore, with that mind in set,
I moved on to secondary school.

Being the dumb freak I was,
I tried making friends with every single person.
And ended up hurting others in the process as well as.. hurting myself. A LOT.
So from there onwards, I changed.
I became well... this me. The current me.
How do I say it?

I still have that violence from my primary school days inside of me.
I often dream of people dying or murdered or tortured or ACCIDENTALLY getting their body parts chopped off. Or even ripped apart.
Like last night.

Okay. Yeah I know that's scary.
That's the most bizarre part of Rachel.

BUT. What's awesome about her?
She has a really kind and forgiving heart. Although she isn't exactly a beauty queen.
Nor a candidate for any beauty pageant.
She lets things go. And move on.

And that's what's so great about her. And the best thing about her is that she can be a really great friend.
The kind that might just sacrifice her pride to protect her friend's.
But. Well, too bad. She hasn't found that perfect friend to sacrifice even a breath for.

I have like, two extreme sides to me. And.. I don't think much people know that.
Except for my family maybe.. and Megan (a little) and Cherie and Zhi En and Christine...
Well anyway, most people only know my good side and that shows how much they don't deserve me.
Only and allow me to emphasize-- ONLY people who know my violent side and accepts it and tolerates it with a true and loving heart will be a true friend.

That's right.
I'm crazy. Crazy enough to dream that a emo punk-ish girl who was blending herself some juice lost control of the machine and it just whirled around, the plug was pulled out of its socket and the slicing thingies cut her head off from the rest of her body and her friends had to dump her head in a plastic bag. And it was bloody.
And I'm also crazy enough to survive anything that anyone throws at me and yet whine about it to some friend that probably doesn't care as much as I think she does.
And I'm crazy enough to cry tears for people who probably don't give a damn about me.
And I'm crazy enough to forgive a person instantly when that person has caused a great deal of damage on my mental status.

Yes. I'm crazy.
Is there something wrong about it?
Want to send me to the mental hospital?
Well go ahead.
But you're paying all the fees.

A Hurt Heart

Life IS this hard after all.
I mean, its supposed to be easy.. and maybe I'm just complicating things
But I dare say this isn't wholly my fault.

I don't understand anyone for anything anymore.
I'm always so ready to be devoted, and to give anything or anyone my best shot.
But no one accepts that.
And even if they do, its only to take advantage of me.

Maybe that's why I've learned to appreciate my parents more lately.
Because they gave me life, shelter, food, clothes, education, anything I want and most importantly love.
TRUE love.
That's what they have given me and will always do.

But there's an awfully true saying that for imperfect beings like us humans,
we can never live without friends.
I understand that.
I try not to believe that but my heart denies my mind.

So where are these 'friends'?
I want to meet my true friend. The only friend who would understand me for who I really am.
Who'd feel like crying when I cry.
Who'll lend me her shoulder when I'm upset.
Who'd be able to relate to me no matter what.
Who truly loves me with all her heart.

My heart is hurt.
I am an idiot.
I'm not even sure that I can believe that such a friend exists for me anymore.
I'm stupid enough to fall for the same mistake twice. Once at age of 8. Another at the age of 13.
Ha. I wonder if it'll happen at 18 again?

My level of idiocy is almost hilarious.
Now not only am I hurt because of one friend, I'm hurt because of all.
To the extent that there's not even one friend left that I can run to.
And I'm tired of trying so hard.
I'm still human you know?

I'm tired of trying to hint to my friends that I really do need to hear comforting words from them when I'm upset, that I hate it when people think I'm scary and when people ignore me when I'm sad or crying.
I'm tired of crying because no one gives a damn about my sadness and even when I DO cry, no one still cares.
I'm like shit. Really .. shit.

I hide it.
I hide it and that's why some people think I'm pretty.
Whereas others who are less of actors, trample on me and step all over me after getting what they want from me.
Am I only this type of person after all?
A disposable toy?

Lost in Trust

I don't know anything about friendship anymore.
I suddenly feel like a useless puppet again.
An amateur starting anew.

Why? Why do people make things so complicated?
Why do they have to go out of the way to make things complex?
Why can't everything just be simple and nice?
Why do they have to hurt when they can please?
Why do I cry when I can smile?
Why do they betray when they can be loyal?

I don't get it.
Its so complicated.
This world is so complicated.
Compare life to my textbooks, I'd rather read the textbooks all over again from page 1.
They are so much easier.

I don't know who to trust anymore.
My best friend is just a simple close friend. I know that now.
My close friend is my best friend who does not pay much attention to me.
My other best friend became my close friend and now is only a friend who I can never relate to.
And my last best friend disappointed me. I don't even know who she is now.

Who am I anyway?
Does anyone even truly care about me?
Is it worth it, putting my trust in even one person?
Where are you God?
Tell me.
Is it only you that I can trust?
Can I not trust the other creations you made?

I'm hurt and beyond disappointed.
I need Your presence.
I need Your presence in someone else for me.
I can't go on like this.
I need You.

Pissed

Hey. Its me. I'm not Rachox today i'm just Rachel.
So I won't go ':D' or 'HEYYY!!!' or 'lol'.
Its just me and if you don't like it then f*** off for all I care.

Just cause I haven't been showing my sad side lately,
does it mean this part of me doesn't exist anymore?
Just because I haven't been crying lately,
does that mean I'm happy?

I'm not being a baby and whining all at once just cause I got 34 for english paper 1.
I mean what the f***? Are you my friend or not?
What happened to sticking together?
What happened to knowing me? Inside and out?

So what?
I know you avoided me cause you're afraid.
But, hell, did you think that I would ever lash out at you?
You're my BFF for f***'s sake.
The only thing that could ever come close to that is venting out at you.
I would NEVER get mad at you I swear.
And you should know that by now.

You should know too that when I'm depressed, I absolutely LOVE it when people comfort me and absolutely HATE it when people avoid me.
You should f***king know that?
I can't believe you.
You made me more upset.
I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm f***king speechless.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE ONLY ONE WHO GAVE A DAMN WAS CHERIE.

God bless her.

F*** everyone else.

Overcoming Cowardice

Will you stop being a coward?
Can you stop hiding yourself in that black box, take the challenge, get your lazy ass off that couch and start doing SOMETHING to change your life for the better?

You know, whether you believe in God or not,
its evident that we always have a choice.
We can choose to live with frowns on our faces, or with smiles.
We can die happy, or die disappointed, aggravated, lonely, remorseful, regretful.

Honestly, I'm tired of you limping around like an abandoned puppy,
because you're not.
You're human. You have all the strength you need to have,
you're obviously good-looking enough.
And you obviously have the talent. Although you might not know it yet,
but who cares?
Its still there.
And you still have plenty of time to figure that out.

You CAN achieve ANYTHING if you BELIEVE.
Why do you give up so easily?
Why are you not able to tear off your armor and face challenges as your own person?
Why can't you act without being spoon-fed?
Why must you whine when the tiniest of problems appear?

Why can't you believe?
If you have a solid reason,
then maybe its excusable.
But its never ACCEPTABLE because you always have the other choice.
CHOOSE TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE.

I don't say this because of pity,
or because I want to gain your attention,
or because I wanna be known,
neither because I want to nag and give you hypocritical advice.
I said it because I've done it and

HELL YEAH. You know what?
It felt awesome.
And I still feel great now.
Don't hide in there anymore.
Come on out from the dark and the cold.
The warm sunshine is waiting for you.

I Love ... Cherie

Cherie the mistress of deception.
Cherie the cute panda-like gal.
Cherie the awesome.
Cherie the genius.

I admit I didn't really like you at first glance.
But that's just my prejudice and me being biased.
I actually really like you and wanna know you.

So...
yeah.

You're really smart for some reason and I don't know why.
Maybe you're born that way (which would be the most accurate guess)
Or maybe you've worked really hard to come this far.
I dunno. You haven't told me much yet.
Or maybe NOT 'yet'. Maybe you might never tell me.

I always feel that there's this distance between us that's just incomprehensible.
Its always there.
I think its because you're still keeping some secrets from me :(
Well, Megan feels that way sometimes too, but you're a little worse xD

ANYHOO. You're really nice and have a cute character and a sweet personality.
And you're smart. And good at deceiving people.
Which can be both bad and good o3o

I hope I can get rid of the distance between us soon.
I don't want to feel like strangers around my friends.
Especially my close friends like megan and you :)
Truth is, I only feel that way around you two.
I wonder why...

NAH. I still love you.
Have a good life cherie.
And I hope one day you can really smile.
A smile that comes from the depths of your heart.

--rachel

I Love ... Krystal

Krystal the pretty nerd :D
Krystal the unique art-crafter.
Krystal the strong teenage girl.
Krystal the courageous.

I don't know what to say,
you're just so different from other people.
So unique.
You're not like the other girls (like me)
Who'd always care about how they'd look, what others think about them half the time
How they should act at certain places at a certain time.
YOU DON'T CARE about all that bullshit.

You're just.. YOU.
You stand out from the rest because you do what you know is right even when others criticize you.
You're amazing like that. And maybe that's why the school appointed you as prefect.
I'm kinda jealous you know?
I wanna be fearless and stand up for myself too.
But I always fall away and I really can't help that.
Sigh.

And you're not only good in art, you're even better in crafting!
You have that natural ability to just think of something random and confidently put them into work.
And even if you didn't give much thought about it, it'll still end up pretty and good to look at.
Unlike my work of course. Pfft.

You have a few family problems... like, real ones..
but you face them so bravely and I sometimes even forget that you have those problems.
You're always smiling and keeping your head up and being your own person.
Keep it up.
Never fall away, got it? Don't be like the others cause you're prefect just the way you are :)

- your close friend, rachel

I LOVE ... Christine

I'm not exactly in the mood today but I guess I'll still do it ...coz... KARA's MV for "STEP" is out and Hara looked so freakin hot in it! And so does Nicole!! Okay.. back to the topic.

Christine the never-giver-upper.

Christine the calm.

Christine the comfy friend.

Christine the shy cutie.

Christine the unknown princess.

Yeah Christine will probably never ever come here in say, forever.

But I'm still gonna blog about her.

Coz I love her.

She's the one and only friend I've TOTALLY opened up to.

100%.

And the best thing about her is that she's so understanding and so quick to catch on.

She got the perfect AVERAGE life that I want.

I want my family life (especially) to be like hers.

She has two younger sisters who are (OKAY I admit) a little annoying.

But when they have fun, they REALLY do.

I only have an elder sister who's a little bipolar.

Sometimes she gets pissed off really quick and easily.

And other times she WANTS your bloody attention.

Its so annoying and cruel and misleading.

Sigh.

Christine, you probably hate it when I call you cute,

but you really are.

Not the annoying/teasing way. The REAL cute.

As in adorable cute :)

You are -- allow me to emphasize-- the STRONGEST teenager I have ever met. Emotionally wise.

You are ALMOST never shaken. You're so stable and so strong.

You're like a princess in that way.

So carefree and at the same time careful and take into account every thing that you do.

You don't get mad easily. You are so good at controlling your emotions.

And another best thing about you is that when I just vent to you with all my cusses and my whinings and complains,

you hardly said a thing to me.

Not because you didn't care. Not because you didn't like that side of me.

But because you don't want to say something that'll make me even more mad or trigger another nerve in me.

You understand every single one of my habits and you practically already MEMORIZED them.

You know them like their at the back of your hand.

And I know you the same way too.

I hope that in the future, even if we have parted ways, we will still keep in contact.

Cause that's just how much I love you.

-currently your utmost dearest friend, rachel

I LOVE ... my neko-chan :D

Hey! This is my um second I LOVE.

My neko chan is just so cute sometimes 8D (hope she doesn't see this post anytime soon though hehe)

Zhi En the beautiful.

Zhi En the mysterious cat.

Zhi En the genius.

Zhi En the leader.

Zhi En the blind beauty.

Zhi En the natural.

I really didn't think you were beautiful before.. until of late.

Maybe I didn't like you very much for one moment? :P (it has past anyway)

Yeah you're funny, and cute, and smart, and mysterious, and attractive and really capable :)

Maybe you were just born that way? Tee hee.

But you know you don't always have to hide everything.

I know you don't want me to get hurt or to get involved at all.

But just know that I'm always here.

And don't ever get insecure about your looks coz you're looking just fine.

And you'll grow to look even more fine in the future.

Don't hate the image you see of yourself.

Because I know I like that image.

And of course the original you.

I can almost imagining a black cloth covering your view now.

Its totally blocking you from seeing the bright side to most of the things.

And its making you think deep dark thoughts.

Shielding yourself from the rest of the world.

Even I can't get through to you.

I know I can't now.

Sigh. I feel so useless sometimes.

I'm such a quiet and shy person and I really hate myself too sometimes.

And I can't even help you much.

Which just adds to that, really. Sigh.

No matter how much you deny it,

I still believe you're born a genius. Or a leader.

Either.

You're special and I don't know if it seems that way to only me or to others too.

I know sometimes you know that too, so... don't let it get over your head okay? :)

-love rachel

I LOVE ... Megan :)

Yes I'm gonna have lots of 'I LOVE's soon

and I just thought I'd..

..kick it off with Megan!

Megan with the hidden beauty.

Megan the budding flower.

Megan with the hidden talent.

Megan the cutie.

Megan the mysterious.

Megan the sexy hottie.

Hey Megan! I know you're one of em people who visit my blog often.

Thanks and I love you so so so much :)

I don't know how and why I didn't get to know you sooner.

I don't know why I can't seem to converse with you properly in real life.

And I know I am going to soon :)

I really wanna open up to you and I don't want you to misunderstand my sometimes quiet attitude for being cold to you.

I REALLY REALLY WANNA TALK TO YOU.

I just want you to understand that it takes Phui Yen a long time to get to know someone and be her true self with that person.

And I'm slowly getting there. I just know it.

Those things I said about you up there? It wasn't just for flattery.

I'm being truthful :)

Maybe you can't see it. But others really can.

And maybe you can't see it now, but you don't only have a lot of friends, you have that handful of friends who really care and want to know you better. A friend like me :)

I wanna get to know you better but I'm afraid of the people you talk to.

Not afraid. Hm.. what's the word?

Shy?

ESPECIALLY at the canteen table. Tee hee. Yes I finally admitted that to you.

You're a true budding flower.

So pretty and so talented but just waiting to bloom to its fullest until you can see the own naturally pretty fruits that you bear.

You're sexy and beautiful but I really don't know if you can see that now.

Maybe sometime in the future when you've totally lost your baby fats (which is quite little now already actually, from the looks of it, on your face anyway <3)

I don't know why but you're ALWAYS SO CUTE. Haha.

Yes. You are terribly clumsy and forgetful and sometimes a slow learner.

But that just makes you that much cuter :D

You've got a hidden talent and I don't know what it is.

Maybe its always what you've dreamed of... singing.

Or maybe its something else.

Take your time figuring it out. Talk to me about it too while you're at it ^^

I love you Megan and I'm sick of saying 'I-don't-know-why's

so I'm gonna say that maybe God is telling me something.

Or maybe fate is setting in.

I wanna be your like, close friend.

I want to be able to lend you my shoulder to cry on.

I want to share my secrets with you.

And more than anything else, I wanna laugh with you. And smile :)

P.S I can't wait for our sleepover bash! ( if its gonna work out anyway...) and shopping day! (if thats gonna work out too...) love ya, muacckkss~