A Hurt Heart

Life IS this hard after all.
I mean, its supposed to be easy.. and maybe I'm just complicating things
But I dare say this isn't wholly my fault.

I don't understand anyone for anything anymore.
I'm always so ready to be devoted, and to give anything or anyone my best shot.
But no one accepts that.
And even if they do, its only to take advantage of me.

Maybe that's why I've learned to appreciate my parents more lately.
Because they gave me life, shelter, food, clothes, education, anything I want and most importantly love.
TRUE love.
That's what they have given me and will always do.

But there's an awfully true saying that for imperfect beings like us humans,
we can never live without friends.
I understand that.
I try not to believe that but my heart denies my mind.

So where are these 'friends'?
I want to meet my true friend. The only friend who would understand me for who I really am.
Who'd feel like crying when I cry.
Who'll lend me her shoulder when I'm upset.
Who'd be able to relate to me no matter what.
Who truly loves me with all her heart.

My heart is hurt.
I am an idiot.
I'm not even sure that I can believe that such a friend exists for me anymore.
I'm stupid enough to fall for the same mistake twice. Once at age of 8. Another at the age of 13.
Ha. I wonder if it'll happen at 18 again?

My level of idiocy is almost hilarious.
Now not only am I hurt because of one friend, I'm hurt because of all.
To the extent that there's not even one friend left that I can run to.
And I'm tired of trying so hard.
I'm still human you know?

I'm tired of trying to hint to my friends that I really do need to hear comforting words from them when I'm upset, that I hate it when people think I'm scary and when people ignore me when I'm sad or crying.
I'm tired of crying because no one gives a damn about my sadness and even when I DO cry, no one still cares.
I'm like shit. Really .. shit.

I hide it.
I hide it and that's why some people think I'm pretty.
Whereas others who are less of actors, trample on me and step all over me after getting what they want from me.
Am I only this type of person after all?
A disposable toy?