No Room For You

Yeah sure I was nervous.. and awkward.. and a little silent..
I bet you thought I was mad or being distant or ignoring you or whatever.
But aren't you doing the same?

Anyway I'm too busy to give a damn anymore.
I got my studies.
My movies.
My celebrities to fawn over.
My chocolate.
My dreams.
My goals.
And my future to deal with.

If I were ever to think otherwise,
I'd be a fool.

I see you still haven't changed. Until now.
When are you going to change? Are you going to wait till the last minute?
It won't work.
Well if you want to take things the hard way,
then by all means,
go ahead.

Success?

I'm glad.
Now that I think about it..
I really have solved all my problems.
Well, socially anyway. Teehee.

The one with Chanelle in the past,
when I got mad at Yi Wen (which was really childish) its over now and I'm satisfied~
I got to the other groups better.
I've moved on from my crush.
I've given up on ZE.
I'm fine with myself.
I'm ready to take on new challenges next year.

To be honest, sometimes I do feel kind of lonely.
I mean I do have a lot of friends.. and I mean A LOT.
But, I don't feel the connection with them. The type that I've always wanted ever since I was a little girl.
But then I think of other people and..
yeah many of them feel the same way too.
Emotional. Depressed. Lonely. Lack of Attention. Insecure.

I'm not alone.
We all aren't :)
That's the good thing about being in a community.
We all learn to face the world and things that are thrown to us and make good things out of it.

I feel like I've crossed yet another hurdle in another aspect of my life.
Just recently I've crossed PMR.. so I guess that's in uh.. my future career aspect?
Now's the social aspect of my life...
I have a feeling something hasn't begin yet.
Something.. Out of the world. Extraordinary. Different. Special.

Something that even if it has started, I would only be somewhere near the starting line.
I wonder what it is?
It may be my love life.. but I don't know for sure.
I'm ready to face that part of me .. well partially.
Because I doubt I'm no where near enough mature yet.

I'm ready God.
Thank You for lifting me up once again even though I'm such a moody person who takes things for granted all the time.
Thank You.
I hope your plan takes its course soon.
You made me strong for this.
You helped me put on my armor.
So I will not be weak in the battlefield.

Convincing Myself

That I can do it. Whatever that I want to do.
That I'm not ugly and hopeless like everyone thinks I am.
That I actually have the potential to be someone else that's better.

Or.. what was it at chapel today about?
Perception?
Yeah.. I wonder if its about that..
But I'm pretty effing sure everyone thinks I'm just leftover.
I'm always at the corner somewhere.
Trying to convince myself that I'm better than what they think I am.

...Which .. well.. I don't know.

Compared to my best friend Christine,
I feel even more discolored.
Even if she's quiet and don't talk much, at least more people talk to her than me.
At least guys think she's more attractive than I am.

What.. who am I?
What is my standard?
Am I really that low?
Because I feel that low.
I don't know who to ask assurance from.

...God?

You Male B-word

Just because you have a little swag.
Just because you're a tad cuter than the rest.
Just because you were gifted with the looks.
Does not mean you have the right to look down on everyone else.
And take every advantage of what was given to you.

Like, what is wrong with you?
Do you think its easy and customary for a girl to like a guy and just fall out of it? And then like another again as if nothing happened?
Is it like that for you?
Are you that irresponsible or clueless?

When a girl likes a guy for who she knows he can be or who he really is,
it means she LOVES him. Even when he's at his lowest. When he stinks like he just came out from the garbage truck and she still talks to him, smiles at him, makes him feel appreciated.
You don't understand do you?

Is it your hobby now?
Like 'yeah I got this cute look so I can go around making chicks like/love me and bang them like its 2012 and toss them aside. Well there's always more.'
Is it so pleasurable to know that you have admirers?
HUH?
Do you know what damage you're causing?

There's a reason why girls fall in love with you just like how there's a reason when they cry.. even if you don't know it.
Don't go around breaking their hearts just for the sake of it.
WAKE UP. This is your wake up call.

You're not even anywhere near smart. You still have a chance. Work hard towards it.
You think in this condition you can even carry on with your favorite 'hobby' in the future?
Do you think you can manage it?
You're ruining your future.

*BREATHES*

That's right you a-hole of boy.
I liked you. Lucky for me I didn't love you. But there is a girl.. who does.
Stop this nonsense.
Its so stupid. Stop acting dumb and face reality and work towards building your future.

I know there's so much more you can do.
I can feel it.
That's why I liked you.
But I give up because my conscience is telling me its impossible.

I'm not ready to believe that just yet.
I believe everyone has a second chance.
Even a player.. a clown... a heartbreaker like you.

The Better Way

Hehe hi. Its me, again. I hope you never expect anyone else X)
Oh what am I talking about. Of course its me. No one else knows my password :)

So I've been thinking. And this phrase has been in my mind for about a month now..
"Why frown when you can smile?"
Is that even called a phrase? haha.

Well anyway.. It just came to me. I never read anything about it or heard of it anywhere.
It kinda just popped into my mind somehow and it just stays there and occupies the now empty brain of mine.
It allows me to gain an upper hand over my temper and childishness.
If you think about it, it does make sense.
After all, it IS scientifically proven that it takes less face muscles to smile than to frown.
Well emotionally speaking, it makes you feel lighter and you know, makes you feel like life's so much brighter when you smile.

It helps me think and look at things from the brighter side.
And suddenly, things don't seem so bad anymore.
Like, I know my dad always lashes out at me and not my sis.
But then I remember that he loves me. And if he doesn't, why does he bother buying me food, clothes? Giving me a shelter? Especially the expensive school fees? and even in the future?
Same goes for my mum. And my sis.
And as for my friends, their not perfect too. People can piss others off sometimes without even knowing it since we're all imperfect in many ways. And I should learn to forgive. Seriously.

We're all only human. We lose and win some :)

People Who Truly Care

I know I'm ugly. I know I'm pretty. I know I'm stupid. I know I'm smart. I know I'm clingy. I know I'm independent. I know I can be a bitch sometimes. I know I'm nice.
So don't tell me all of those anymore unless I really need it cause it'll be like kind of stating the obvious.

BUT.
No one will listen anyway. And I don't expect anyone to.
Because no one will remember. No one bothers to look and care.

Only a few people do. And forever will.
Here are the people I love.. and I realized that truly care. All this time.

1) Christine 
God. I thank God you were born. And I really thank God that he allowed you to come into my life and for mine to be in yours. You're pretty and you probably don't know it yet. You're secretive, mysterious and trustable. You're amazing. You understand my ways perfectly.Like in those stories where bffs stick together and know what the other is going to do every time? Yeah just like that. You're the perfect friend. And the only thing I hope to improve between us is my trust for you.

2) Serene
Haha. Wow. Yeah. I didn't know it too. Maybe I'm not one of those important friend of yours to you. Not the first in the list anyway. And we don't spend too much time together. BUT. You care for me. And I don't even have to ask you. I know already. When I have a problem, one of the few people I feel safe telling to is you. I know you've got problems. A lot of them and I know I can't help.. but I hope you know I'll always be here for you.

3) Zhi
I knew this a long time ago and even though this friendship doesn't seem strong from the outside, it is on the inside. And we both know it don't we? :) You're beautiful even though you always deny it and you have a charm that not many people have. You're kind of a genius and really funny. Thank you for listening to me when I'm bitchy and for lending me your shoulder when I cry. I really appreciate them.

4) Megan
I know we don't talk much.. and well, not really, anyway... But I can't help but feel close to you. Attracted to you? (Don't worry I'm not lesbo) I don't know why you always have so many problems and you don't think you're pretty and you think you're dumb and everything. But what I think: You're pretty, smart, cool, talented. You have a voice that can sing. And I believe you have a charm that only the people who are close enough to you can see , that is probably why you feel so unappreciated. Think positive more often and look at things on its brighter side. You'll feel a whole lot better <3

5) Cherie
Are we distant? I don't know. I hope not. But you're really nice. And sweet. And pretty. Haha. Funny how we all don't think ourselves are pretty but others think we are, right? You're REALLY smart too. I feel quite unimportant to you but it doesn't matter. Because the chemistry is what makes it important. I hope we'll get closer soon :) (with our sleepover and all)

I love you guys all the same. I don't know how else I can express this feeling. I can't express it in a better way than this ... I have this thankful feeling in my heart. I really do.

I pray that your lives will be blessed with success, courage, purity and last but not least, BEAUTY .

Boys Are Mean

Hey girls.
I bet you agree with me on this.
Most of you, anyways.

Cause guys all think they are better than we are. They think that they can do everything better than we will ever be able to. What. Have they never heard of feminism?
Hello?

Ish. They never understand.
I don't blame them.
The question is: Why are they naturally mean?

And heeeyyy PMR is tomorrow!! :D
I'm up for it.
I totally am. I'm almost 90% confident of my ability,
I hope I can score well for this 'puny' exam in one's education life.
Well to me, its important. To be able to look back and gain confidence from it to do well in other important exams; that's important.

I love you guys out there.
But you know what?
BOYS don't know how to treat GIRLS.
They think its totally cool to gay around.
To me, it totally turns me off. (Yes its an irreversible switch)

So.. sucks to be them.
Yes my self-esteem is back girls.
And very soon, Imma be ready to rock :)