Phobia

I'm scared.

I won't take the risk.

I don't know who I am.

I can't bear this anymore.

I won't do anything.

I'm just another person that fills your time aren't I?

A Lesson To Learn

A closed box.

That's where I've been hiding.

Its so dark because I never tried to get out.

I'm bored and lazy coz there's too little space to do anything.

My mind is distorted because I couldn't see what is really happening.

I'm sooo tired of things repeating itself over and over.

And I fall for the same problem again and again.

I have never made an effort to stop them from happening.

I have to try.

Its a new year.

I hope I can change.

Not hope.

Want to change.

Its time I do something about myself. For real.

Who Am I

Am I an outcast?

Or am I favored?

Am I pretty? Or ugly?

Am I smart or pretending to be?

Am I generous or cruel?

Who am I?

There are so many things I know that I am.

But they oppose one another.

And there; there is a person in my mind, an illusionary fiction that will never become a fact.

And once again.

My wish is still not granted.

all would be good if I had unlimited patience.

I could wait and wait.. forever..

and even when my wish is never granted,

I am fine.

Because I can wait.

But.

No. In reality, that is impossible.

I'm tired of waiting.

When will it come?

The day when I'm treated fairly.

When I can truly smile again.

When darkness is my aid; not my burden as it is now.

And when the light is my platform, not just a desire.

Nobody sees this part of me.

Not my mother, not my sister, not my father, not my best friend, not anyone.

I can tell them on and on and on till I can't anymore.

And the next moment, it will be gone from their mind.

So I find it of no use anymore.

I keep wanting to be that person in my dreams.

But lately, I know I can never be.

I keep telling myself to just give up and be free

but my heart won't listen.

It defies me.

What do I do?

I'm lost in the middle of nowhere.

No one is here.

Nobody.

Sure.. there are people around me who look like they care or maybe they really do.

But they don't make an effort to help. At all.

So all that's left is me

and God.

I've prayed since forever.

Lord,

have you ever heard my prayer?

Complicated

Life is so complicated don't you agree?

Its like you think you know something but then, you really don't.

You think that someone's perfect for you, but then you find out later that they are really not.

You wish something would come true, but it never does.

Yet,

when you think something's gonna come crashing down, it doesn't.

when you feel like you want to commit suicide, your conscience tells you you can't.

you'd thought everything was over, but you realize that there is still hope.

Nothing is ever what it seems.

Nothing good is really good.

But nothing bad is really bad either.

There are the ups and downs. Its true.

Lies might hurt. But they let you see the truth if you just open your eyes to see it.

Your friend might hurt you and forget you, but is that really the end of friendship itself in your life?

Don't give up. Live life to your fullest. There are lots of secrets waiting to be unveiled.

Happy living~

*)^&*!@!!!!

Damn it for the love of all goodness and happiness in this life,

where the hell have you gone??!!

Why have you left me so early?!

Why is it that every time I try, I fail?!!

And fail and fail and fail!

And no matter how strong I try to look,

it hurts inside. a lot. Do you know that?!!

What if that happened to you??

Would you like it any better??

No one would have liked it.

You are lucky enough that God put you in that group.

That people at least LOOK like they care.

ME?!

Does anyone fucking care about me?!

NO!

What they do?!

They insult me, judge me and criticize me!

RIGHT in my face!

I'm human too I'm not some mechanical robot that has no emotions

You scold me, you hurt me, you laugh at me, you treat me like I'm a good-for-nothing..

Do you think I'll be okay?

Do you?

Do you want to try?!

So you think I'm a nerd

So you think I'm not worth talking to

So you think you can trash me aside and ignore me

So you think you're better than me

So you think I will always be below you

So you think I'm not good-looking enough

WELL?! Aren't I right?

You know who I'm talking about.

Yes, I'm talking about those people.

La la mui in 2 Agape!

I'm sick n tired of it.

N not only them, people in 2 Arif too but I'm not mentioning their names.

You read my post and you feel sorry for what you've done,

then the next moment you walk away, or do something else and you forget,

then you go ahead and take me for granted again!

I'm a fucking human. HUMAN.

Got that memorized?

I'm a shithead human.

.....

And I'm a girl.

I get hurt easily.

I only got 1 friend who would REALLY bother.

And its not like she really understand coz she's not in my situation.

I can't.. do this.. anymore..

Can't Handle This

What is wrong with me?

Nothing I'm telling myself is taking its effect on me.

I'm not feeling any more relaxed.

Instead, I'm getting more and more frustrated every day.

And I'm also getting these weird dreams every night.

I end up talking to myself and my sister thinks its weird and oh my gosh I can type about these things forever and it will never stop.

I feel so sad.

I feel that if I open my mouth and speak,

people will feel annoyed.

I feel that if I get close to someone , they'll think I'm disgusting.

I'm too freaking sensitive.

I'm not ugly or nasty.

I'm normal. I'm perfectly normal.

I'm not confident of myself.

I can't seem to turn the table around.

I can't handle this anymore.

I don't want to handle this anymore.

This sucks.

I suck.

I really really suck.

Self Esteem

Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth.

Worthless. Ugly. Loser. You Shouldn't Be Here.Get lost. Die.

Don't you just feel so down when someone tells you that?

Sure you have it easy when you're those type that people don't dare to mess with.

But when you're like me.. when you have really no one to talk to unless you start the conversation which usually ends really lame : its really difficult.

Not to mention, there is a group of people at school who hate you for particularly no reason at all

They just do.

Makes no sense. But thats the way it is. Like it or not.

Just having them around sucks like shit.

But when they tease and bully you..

That's when it REALLY hurts.

And worse, they don't seem to care at all...

They have no idea..

how much it hurts.

Priscilla's Sweet 16

Prologue
Torn between two choices... A final decision that will rule her future happiness until her last breath.
This is the story of a girl who's fate was decided even before she was born.
Her name is Priscilla. Or Priscilla Hampshire to be more specific.
She belonged to a tribe of a sort which was believed to have existed for more than 100 years.
A tribe called 'Malid'. Malid had just recently developed modernization just about 20 years ago.

At and that exact time, it was written in the tribe's leader's diary that there will be a unique descendant 4 years from now. A girl. Who will change their rigid, stiff, boring, mundane and especially cold-hearted tribe once and for all when she reaches her SWEET 16.

If you don't call this happy, I don't know what else you can call it

Start of the holidays.

My sister's birthday.. party..

Zhi En attending..

Non-bitchy people attending..

having loads of fun..

Its the best thing I could wish for.

Usually, when I wish for a nice future, it turns out bad.

But looks like this time, it didn't.

And somehow, that proves an encouragement,

that nothing is really what it seems to be.

Its the only day this whole year that I have felt no depression, weariness, exhaustion, annoyance or anything else bad that will influence the rest of my day.

I feel so refreshed and.. ALIVE.

This is how every day of my life is supposed to be.

And I realized yet again, that there are a lot of things that I need to change in myself.

Things that get in the way of the sort of happiness I experienced today.

This feeling is really indescribable... too wonderful to describe.

I will strive to correct my flaws and avert my bad habits.

Life is really a bed of roses if you know just exactly what to do.

Holiday Spirit

OKAY!

Crying, weeping, stressing out, yelling, cursing, scolding, arguing, killing, backstabbing etc

Enough of the sort!

Its holiday babes :D n dudes =P

let us let our spirit free in the accompaniment of rain and shine~

If you wanna cry, come to me, i'll talk to you =)

If you wanna vent it all out and hang out, tell me, i'll ask permission from my mum XD

If you wanna break your heart or experience love go all out this two months! :D

I'm always here for you as a friend family or a stranger XP

Sorry if I ever doubted you guys or anything else.

OH!

and also..

Selamat Hari Raya Haji to all Muslims ^^

-- Your dearest lover, friend, sister, cousin, stranger Rachox

Love and Friendship 2010

I wish I could stay 14 forever.

This year, as far as I'm concerned, is the smoothest year I've ever had.

And I like it this way.

I wish this could last forever..

though of course, it can't.

This year in friendship, I went from being in a group, breaking up, coming back together again, breaking up, forming a new one, breaking up and now its all simple and easy =)

And in 'love', I found out that crushing over guys are stupid, dumb and immature and I well, kinda like someone right now. THIS is confusing.

I'm academically okay I guess.

I'm not exactly athletic.

And I uh.. yeah. I guess that's it.

(My right hand is sore so I can't really type much)

Make sure to invite me on outings~ FUN ones okay? =D

Coz I'm bored staying at home all the time lol.

--Love Rach

Innocent Clueless Little Me in Maturity

Its kinda stupid when I think about it.

I do things without thinking of it's consequences.

I do things because I like it and I'm sure I won't get bored with it.

It all seems so childish.

Are we all like that?

What, really, is the definition of "Maturity"?

Is it of being someone that abides all rules, and follows all logic without ever having to make a mistake?

Or a person full with all knowledge of life that even they themselves haven't been through?

Or is being mature really just growing.. over the years?

Well, if being mature is about being like that,

then I don't think I want to be.

It sounds so miserable.. so dead.

=) thank God I'm still a teenager now.

Difficult

The struggle between what-I-want-to-do and what-is-right.

You know sometimes I just don't see, say or hear anything.

Its like I put up an invisible barrier around me and in that barrier is my own world.

I see what's not in reality. I hear voices no one else but I can.

And I become so infatuated in my own thoughts that the world around me just disappears.

And that's when the battle begins.

" I can't do it. They'll laugh at me, insult me.. I just can't"

" Who cares what others think of you? Are you gonna sulk all day just because of this??"

" I told you. I can't risk my pride."

" And I've told you so many times before. Listen to me; trust in yourself"

" ..."

And so that is how I usually make decisions.

An internal battle in my mind... no one can listen to nor see.

And it always ends up like this : "......."

Nothing.

I wouldn't make any decisions.

Because the good and bad are too balanced.

I can't say 'yes' or 'no'.

Its difficult. Really...

I have no problems.

The only problem is me.

I have an issue with myself.

I know its funny.

Yet.. at the same time, its not,... if it makes sense to you.

I need something to convince me. To motivate me.

Anything.

God?

Mum? Dad?

An inspirational novel?

Anything...

I need help, before it gets too out of hand.

A big.. mistake

You know the feeling when you know you just entered a trap?

And you knew that the trap was there,

but you entered it anyway.

Yeah.

That feeling.

And you actually feel happy that you're trapped.

Funny, right?

I never wanted to be trapped,

but now I wish I can stay here forever.

Which, really, is an impossible feat.

Because there are too many rules and everything..

I know it won't go on.

Even my frequent supporters are telling me to back down and just stop.

But who will I listen to?

My heart is telling me "No. Don't"

.. everyone else is telling me " pls. Do it"

Im .. not confused. But ...

Okay.

I think I've made my decision.

I was the one who's put this situation on myself.

.. So I have the direct responsibility to take it off as well.

This is nothing but another obstacle.

Another big.. MISTAKE.

I hate you sometimes

Yeah. Human feelings.

Damn it all.

I hate you and.. I don't want to feel like this but I do.

I hate you and there's nothing you can do about it.

I hate you and everyone scorns at me but that's fine, coz who cares what other people think?

I'm tired, stressed and exhausted.

So... tired.

Let's end this. Once and for all.

Excitement In Love~

LOVE.

It changes you into a whole different person.

You become someone you never know you were.

You start to become more confident.

It changes you that much. It shines on you so bright

No emotion can overcome this.

Why does it seem so hard to pull away?

.. I guess its a mystery with a reason no one has ever found out.

When you speak, my heart skips a beat.

Every single thing you do, seems so amazing.

Every breath... every second.

I thought I didn't need this,

but now, I think I can't not need this. I'll die. Literally.

I'd thought you were just a fairy tale prince charming.

But you've come and picked a cinderella from the drabs.

You gave her all that she needed. To survive.

What would she do without you?

What can I do without you?

There are so many impossibilities in this relationship.

Do you think we can make it?

Do you think it'll last?

Those thoughts aside,

you are the most beautiful and wonderful thing I've ever experienced.

through bad times, you lifted me up.

Through good times, you embraced me and kept it going.

I love you and you can trust in that.

Its exciting being with you. Even thinking of you.

Right now. Right this moment.

Even if we don't last, this feeling will never fade.

LOVE will never fade..

--in your memory,

Rachel.

Choices And Sacrifices

You know something's too impossible.

There's just no way you can make it work.

Through death, too, it won't work anyhow.

So.. what can you do?

The only option left is to suffer everyday longing for that something.

Isn't that terrible?

But then that will only happen when you limit yourself to it.

Actually, there is another..

but its kinda difficult, ya know?

The other is to just let go.

Forget.. and most importantly, forgive.. yourself.

Any choice you make isn't right or wrong no matter how good or bad it may seem.

If you think it's right, it most probably is logically.

But if you're wrong , it might just be an obstacle in your path you might just have to go through to make you a better person in the future =)

Ezzy for me to say,

I know its hard.

I can't 100% think positive either.

I'm still human.. and I think otherwise once in a while too.

But you know what? Its gift we were bestowed with.

We had and always will have different choices to choose from.

Which path we will take...

I'm sure we will make mistakes and hurt ourselves all the way through,

but know that you're not alone

and you have your friends and family with you.

--With love,

Rachox

I Think People Who Hate Themselves Are Really Hypocritical

If you have a good reason, then it may slide.

But really, why do you hate yourself? When in truth, you love yourself?

Why are you lying?

Isn't it more simple to just love yourself than doing the opposite?

I don't get you. All of you who feel this way.

Life's more than whining and drowning in depression.

...

.. Okay so if you won't listen

then I'll give up.

Coz I'm not an old grandma who needs to repeat herself over and over =)

Luv u guys lots.

And happy birthday dad!

You're the best!! ^^

Need Your Blessings

Yes, you.

And my love..

and my God.

Wonders

Have I changed that much?
There are lots of people who hated me said I've changed and that they are willing to give me a second chance.
But I don't think.. that that's true.
All that's happened are mistakes I've made and the little experiences I'd earned.
Had that changed me?

I feel the same. Just a tad older though.
And now I'm starting to look into the world. The outer world.
I'm still in school. A place that I've recently realized is the safest there is on Earth.
And I noticed I always take things and people around me for granted.
I know what I should do, yet I'm not willing to do it..

But still, I'm living. Alive and breathing.
That's a miracle in itself.
Isn't it ironic?
Two years ago, I hated life.
And now I love life.

I guess wonders DO work.. and miracles do happen.

My Heart's List

In our life, we meet many people with different ethics, races, believes, faiths and backgrounds.. and also from different countries.

Personally, I know quite less.. or maybe more I suppose. Its really more to how YOUR life is like.

But oh well.

Here goes.. to all the people I know and L.O.V.E

1) Mum&Dad - You gave me life, showed me how to LIVE my life. Thank you so much.

2) Sis - Even though you can be pretty annoying at times, I realise ur really the 1 I need the most at the crucial times.

3) Zhi En - Yeah. You would be the 1st friend I ever think about.. Be happy always, ok? =)

4) Kher Yuee - We might not be in the same school anymore. But you'll always be in my heart.

5) Christine - We're pretty much best friends in terms of likeness.LOL. Well I heart u, lead a good life and one day in the future I want to see you happy and well.

6) Krystal - I am so SO sorry about all the things I've ever said to hurt you. I care for you and I really hope you know that.

7) Grandma - I know you don't know English. But here's to you anyway. I love you. =)

8) Cuz Joe - You'll prob never ever be linked to this page... But hey, you're awesome XD

9) Cuz Marcus - Aww lookie. You're all grown up now. Don't you just miss the old times?

10) Mariko - Japanese. lol. cool. I'll always remember you. Now and forever.

11) Sherrie - Yes. You're among my reality love-life! =) I luv u gal. I hope I'll get to see you one day.

12) Ms. Rita - Yes. My Form 1 Science teacher. We're no longer in contact. But I'll always remember you, cuz ur the best teacher I've had so far. And prob one of the best forever and ever..

13) Jia Qian - Please forgive my bitchy-ness. I've been mad at you for quite some time. And I'm sorry.

14) Serene- You still mad at me? I'm sorry.. I don't know what I did. But I'm sure I offended u in a way.... I'm so very sorry. And if you don't believe in second chances or more, I'm not gonna push you to give me one =)

15) Yi Wen- You know, I've always taken you for granted. That's why I'm gonna say this: You mean something to me. You're a good friend. And thanks for being such a good one.

16) Megan - I don't know why. We don't talk much. But I feel like a friend to you. That when you're sad, I'm sad too. Don't worry, I don't stalk XD Luv ya~

17) Nattasha- I've never really forgotten you. Ever since the end of primary school. And when I met you again this year, I felt almost too terrified to speak.

18) Uncles and aunties- Yeah. I know I'm quiet.. and a loser. I'm sorry ok? I guess its just me.. But I love my family and therefore I love you guys too. God bless you~

19) Other cousins - You're so fun and you make life feel so light and fulfilled. You guys make my dreams temporarily come true. The memories I'll never forget...

20) Mr Andrew - Wondering what you're doing here? Or maybe you already know.. You made me realize things I never did before. You changed a part of me. And I thank you for that.

21) Sonia - hey sonia. I know what you're thinking.. lol. Even though we don't talk much, I feel like we have the most natural chemistry ever. So.. yeah... this goes as a tribute to u lol.

22) Kiryu - You're quite an encouragement. Thanks for showing me about that lady. What was her name again?

23) Wuji - No huggies?

24) Kyo - You're quite funny lol.. well at times, you really make me feel like I belong. thank u..

25) Monk- I know you're not on anymore.. well, not too often. But you brought me into the light that shone my path so much further..

26) Lumi - Fiercest. Wow. Thank you for inviting me..

27) Dester - A legend. You're strong lol. I acknowledge you. Seriously.

28) Cherie (Gan) - Yeah. You only smile and me and stuff and I'll prob forget you in years to come.. but, for now, you're a great big help to my friends and people around you. Thanks cherie.

29) Faith - Fencing partner. Wowwiee~ LOL! Amazingly sweet, but you're ready to abandon me anytime, I know that =) but nice to know you ^^

30) Daddy (bosi) - You're kind of the best guy I've ever met on net.. And your wife is seriously pretty lol.

31) Mummy (geisha) - You've been off lately.. -weeps- But you're a nice person. From USA even. lol. God bless you~

32) Shinichi - 'No speak english'? lol. well. ur one of the most innocent guys i've ever met. Congratulations?

33) Pathetic - A little different. But crazy and evil. I like it =P

34) Nino - I knew you through sherrie lol. I still remember. It was nice to get to know you.

35) Luna-nee - Its hard to talk to you sometimes >.<>

36) Sera-nee - I don't think we used to be this close. But now.. I think you mean more..

37) Raga - Ironic. You're always so strong. And I'm always so weak. LOL

38) Ipoh - You're kinda goofy and all.. but you're pretty awesome naturally.

39) Uncle Guan - I think.. well, I dunno what to say.

40) Slashy/BQ - Um? Cute? lol

41) Yaaw - Cool and clean. Perfect for a warrior.

42) Dimitry - I heard you're cool in wars. I haven't experienced it, but I guess I couldn't agree more.

43)Shahana - Nee-chan~ you were my 1st there ^^

44) Druka - We went all the way from union to fiercest together :D

45) Dannz- Friends?

46) Arunafeltz - I guess we've never really talked but.. hehe..

47) Jacko- I'm sure you'll find the right girl for you one day~

48) Bandels - I remember the times... sigh. Nice days weren't they?

49) Huang - Right. Always the 1st to give me my hug. XD

50) MILF - Nice s6 guy. My first s6 friend.

51) Faithlester - Nice guy.. I realize guys all have different hidden personalities lol.

52) LunatiCharm- Yeah. You're really nice. An you're still my friend lol. What a miracle.

53) Terie - ?? Speechless..~

54) Ekin/thong - Names.. names.. >.<>

55) Kennie- Just met you again this year. you're really friendly and cute... ^^

And many more to come..