Restored, Safe.. and Sound?

Ahaha.
Hi.

I don't exactly remember what I've last posted on this blog.
And I'm kinda too much of a lazy ass to read it again.
So lets just all pretend I didn't go all emo and stuff ok?

Right.

So lately I've been fine, that is if you are wondering.
Um.. I kinda got over anything to do with men.. I mean, guys .__.
And also if I'm not wrong, I used to have a little problem with my confidence..
Well THAT problem hasn't been totally resolved yet but I'm getting there. Somehow.

I think I should really thank God for this.
For His grace :)
All the while I was in the dilemma, I kept asking myself "God, where are you? Why aren't you helping me?"
"When will this all end?"

I was just.. tired, I guess.
But it DID end.
And I'm really, very, and totally grateful for God.
So yeah, thank you God. I love you.

I can feel him healing me :D
From the inside out.
I'm so blessed.

Also, for the past few years, I've also had this thought:
So I wasn't born a Christian and I think it says somewhere in the Bible that it's better to get married to another Christian or at least a believer at heart if you are one yourself.
To be totally honest with you guys, I don't even know if you can call me a Christian.
Sure, I love God. I really do. And I believe he exists and saved me with Jesus. I believe in Jesus too. And the Holy Spirit that lives in all of us.
But do I really dedicate my time to Him?
I barely do anything that relates to praising or worshipping him.
The only thing I do that isn't even in my control is chapel in school.
And once that's gone.. once SCHOOL is gone the end of next year...
what then?

I've asked my parents about their view on Christianity before, albeit subtly.
But they don't seem very positive about it. In fact, I think they dislike it.
What if I told them one day that I do believe in God and in Jesus Christ? More so than the religion that they believe in and made me believe before?
Would they get mad?
Would they shun me? Hate me?
Would they ignore me for life?
Or worse.. abandon me?

I'm afraid.
I know I shouldn't be afraid because I got God by my side all the time.
Whatever the result of anything is, it will always be for my betterment only.
But I am.
I'm sorry, God.
Sigh. What should I do? ):
I want my parents to know you too. And to live an eternal life comfortably in your kingdom.
Its not right to see them .. praying.. with those sticks.. and earnestly believing that burning those offerings could actually be sent to the souls that have passed.
I want them to know the truth about you so badly.
But they are blind. I know I should at least try to make them see.
I hope that God, you make me strong enough to introduce You to them someday.
That is, if by then, they are still alive and still on Earth.
And also if Jesus hasn't returned yet.
*muffles screams

Okay I know this is getting SO creepy because I never .. and by never I mean seldom talk about God and Christians so obviously in by blog.
I can't help it.
I do need to confess.
I love God. And I feel sorry for disappointing him and I also thank him for everything he's done for me. Including forgiving me :)

Last but not least, which is a topic I'm sure I've introduced above there somewhere and neglected..
It's about the marriage thing.
Of course I'm not so foolish to think so far ahead into the future. Haha.
But what I really mean is.. well..
If you were to get married, surely you'll be in a relationship first right?
Then that man must well.. be suitable. To you. I guess.

Well..
It is kind of awkward to say this..
But yes..
remember that guy I told you about way back when?
I don't remember when actually lol.
It was the guy who I've given up on before I could actually go all serious on liking him because I found out he had a girlfriend.
But then right when I gave up, he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hmm..
Interesting, right?

Nah, not really. That's old news.
What's recent is that..
well.. I think.
THINK. That I might like him again.
BUT.
I won't allow myself to.
Unless there is a good reason.
I don't want to be a naive klutz anymore.
So.. no more of that.

Let's see how this turns out ;)

~I'll put my trust in you Lord.

Does This Happen To Everyone?

I feel.. tired. Not confident.
Just all of a sudden.
Or maybe I did have a reason to feel this way... but I don't remember it .__.
Or maybe I refuse to remember it.

I don't know.
I keep telling myself to think positive. And try to be a better person so that I can make myself feel better as well as to maintain a good relationship with the people around me.
I don't even know if that's working out.
It feels like nothing is working out.
My effort.
Its fruitless.
Do I have to be more patient?
Why is it that whenever I stop to think about things - TRULY think - it seems as if nothing works.
And it always me that's waiting and waiting.. and waiting.
And trying and trying.
And doing everything I am capable of,
only to end up being dumped into the dirt again.

I don't understand.
What is God trying to tell me?
Am I not trying hard enough? Is that it?
I'm not asking for anything much. I'm just asking for recognition.
I'm not even asking for praise.
Is expecting recognition itself too much to ask for?

Am I being greedy? Selfish?
Why can't think work out the right way for me?
Just for once?
Why does every single thing I do always end up like this? Destroyed.
Friends. Crushes. Families. Whatever you name.
It all ends the same.

I am never content. Not even once.
I say I am, but I bluff.
Because I want to make myself feel like I actually AM contented with things,
when I'm not.

No one seems to understand.
I'm sure a lot of people have many reasons to argue with that.
But I feel like no one understands.
Its either that, or no one bothers to understand.
I feel kind of alone.
No one trusts me with responsibilities. No one allows me to do things even when I want to, or show that I want to.
They don't give me a chance to stand for myself,
and nab all the chances for themselves.
So now you tell me.
Who is the selfish one?

I get so tired sometimes.
Tired of chasing. Of trying. Of looking up.
I just wanna flop to the ground, shut my eyes, relax, and just not care about anything.
Because no matter how hard I try, it always seems as if I will never reach the end of it.

I feel like my fire's been put out.
Like all this time that I've been trying to prove myself worthy, I've just had my heart crushed, trampled on, and beaten to the ground.
Might as well kill me, huh.

I'm just...
I''m tired.

So yeah. I'll just admit what you all think I am.
I can't play sports. I can't handle accounts and events. I can't participate in something properly without having something go out of order. I'm arrogant. I'm cold, quiet, distant. I'm a loser. I'm an introvert. I'm slow. I'm forgetful. I'm stubborn. I'm temperamental. I'm crazy.

And I'm ugly.
Happy?
Good.
Because you ought to be.
At least in this silent war, we know now that one of us had won.
And that's you.

Standing Up For Yourself

Influence. Influence. And more influence.
I'm not gonna say its all bad. Of course, there are many good influences too.
But.. Well, in my opinion, for most of us, we face the bad ones more than the good ones daily.

It is true when they say that your environment affects you.
The people around you that influence you. For example, peer pressure.
Your friends? What kind of people are they?
I'm not implying that you should always judge a person a lot to find out if he/she's a good person before becoming his/her friend. Not at all.
You might be happy being with them.. contented even.
But do you really know the impact they cause in your life?
Is it for the better, or for worse?
Are you influencing them or are they influencing you?
There is a reason why the advice of choosing your friends wisely exists.
Whether or not you like it,
you'll have to make the right choices in the end.
You can't just keep pushing things aside and thinking it'll be okay at the end of the day.
Because, well, there's only so much your heart can take.
How long more will you be able to hold out?

Besides your friends, there is always your parents as well.
I do admit there are some very optimistic, loving, caring, and encouraging parents out there who are willing to let their children be their own person, shaping them in all the right ways and giving moral support throughout their study years and childhood.
BUT.
There are some other parents who do not realize how their actions and words could sometimes affect their children greatly.
Screaming. Scolding. Yelling. Caning. Making em cry.
They think its okay. Cause its all in the process of raising the kid.

Once again, in MY OPINION, I don't think you should force your self-belief on a child, even if he/she is your child.
Sure, you are the one who bore the kid. You have the authority of control over him/her.
But you have to remember what it felt like when you were their age.
The want to be free. To be able to be who they really are inside. To discover their self-identity.
In the end, that's what growing up is all about.

And as we all know clearly, young children learn quickly and adapt quite easily as well.
What they see, hear, and taste, is kept safe in their memory for the longest time.
When you say something you are so sure of and believe in, even though others don't, and tell your kid to believe it too,... well.
If it's a good thing, then all the better.
But what if it's actually a bad thing? What if?
Even if that kid is your kid, he/she is still an individual. One person. One OTHER person.
You can't force a belief on someone else. No way.
Even if you manage to, you'll just ruin their life.
So please, think. Before you act.

Finally, there is also yourself.
How you think. How you make yourself behave.
What of it?
It is all a psychological play.
As long as you think something is like that, so it shall be like that.
For example, if a rose is really red, but all your life you think and you KNOW that that color has always been blue.
Then a red rose shall be a blue rose.
See? It makes sense doesn't it?
If you think you are ugly, then so you will be ugly.
If you think you are lazy, then you will be lazy.
If you think you're incompetent, there's no way you'll be able to do whatever it is you wanted to do.
Because you don't believe in yourself.

Before fixing your habits, problems, or anything..
You'll have to start with the way you think.
NO. You don't have to go to the extremes.
You should start off slowly in fact.
For example, you could start by telling yourself in your mind that you're not really that ugly, then next time you can start thinking that you look just fine. Then slowly, and surely.. you can think that you're worth it.
That's how confidence comes about.
You don't just sleep and wake up the next day feeling like you're absolutely perfect in every way possible.
Well, I guess it is possible but that only happens when you believe in God. Unfortunately, that doesn't apply to all of us.
Nothing happens without hard work.
So boot that lazy ass.
No matter what, the laziness has to go.
Even the smartest people. Even Einstein who is like the smartest guy.. if he wasn't hardworking enough and dedicated in his experiments and stuff, there ain't no way he would be famous today.
Who knows, he might have dropped out of school and ended up a total nobody.

I know we're all suffering and sometimes it just feels so hard because of ALL these influences..
they're all pressing in on us everyday and we have to keep on resisting, resist and resist.
Once you pause and rest, that's when everything'll go haywire but you know what?
That's why you have to stand up for yourself. For what you believe in.
And always, make sure that what you believe in is right before you really start believing .. for reals.

Because when you stand up for yourself,
you'll find that it's so much easier to resist. Sometimes you even do it without effort and you don't realize it.
That's when you'll know that you've gained the right amount of confidence.
Stop being so stubborn Megan.
There are just some things you have to accept in this difficult life.
God. Humility. Friends.

Even if believing in these things will bring you down and hurt you sometimes,
it'll all be worth it because you'll experience new things.
You don't just always experience the good, right? The bad ones have to come too.
So you'll become stronger and stronger with each trial or tribulation.
Believe in yourself. You don't have to believe in God because I can't force anyone to do that, but.. you must believe in yourself. And try to do the same for your friends that you know you can trust.

Give your heart a break :)