Am I Dense?

Haha xD

No.Really.
Am I?

My sister says I am.. and so does my dad..
Cause I kept saying no guy likes me.
And they'll go all like "Liar."

But really?
I don't think so.
Because obviously I'm not the type of person anyone would want to have their teenage crush on.
I'm way too cool, mysterious, 'mature', and indifferent that no one would want to give shit about me.

Though it IS true that I've been changing lately..
or maybe I already have changed.
I'm starting to open up more.. about my self. I try to be nicer to others.
And ultimately, I try my best to smile more often too. (since some people used to say that I look too serious all the time)

I HAVE.
And now.
Because I'm more open-minded, and accepting,
I ended up making a terrible mistake. A mistake that I regret. And hope I won't fall too deep into.

:/
Though I kinda feel that I'm already halfway through that black hole..
that black hole that most people would call 'infatuation'.
Or crush.
Or like.
Or love.

Yeah you guessed right.
I fell for someone.
And its SO not like me to be the one doing the chasing.
But I am.
Cause I'm the type of person who always plays hard to get.
Now I'M the one going around trying to catch hold of some other guy who also has the tendency to play hard to get.
Well, since he won't budge much...
two of us can't both be ignoring each other now, can we?

SO. That's how I ended up in this situation. *weeps*
I feel terrible. It was all because I allowed myself to get attracted to him in the first place.
At the beginning, I was just like "Oh he's kinda cute. I guess it wouldn't hurt to know more about him.."
Then I DID get to know him better,

and without knowing it, I was actually falling for him already.
One day I just found myself so frustrated because he wouldn't talk much.
Which shouldn't be a surprise since we had only recently met.
But it DID get me upset.
And when I realized I was,
I thought to myself. WHY WAS I UPSET?
I had no reason to be.


Then I realized that there had to be a reason.
And there was only one thought that could clear it all up.
I liked him.
And THEN I got extra frustrated because I swore I wouldn't fall for another guy again.
But I did.

...

Anyway Its just really difficult liking someone in high school, isn't it?
Since both sides are still young and naive, we get our hearts broken easily and we break others' just as easily too :/

I knew I should have never been interested in him.

I led myself right into a trap.

And now I'm caught.
With no way out until the end.

Lesson: Not Learned

Remember those days when I used to emo a lot and stuff? :/
No guys I'm not proud of it or anything. I know I mention it a lot, but it doesn't mean I'm boasting that I'm more experienced or something.
I'm not.
In fact, I might just be VERY inexperienced still.

It looks like I haven't learned my lesson since then.
I'm making the same mistakes again.
But for a different person.
Why won't I listen to my conscience?
Why do I always go against the law I created for myself and do things I shouldn't,
only to end up being disappointed and heartbroken? ):

I'm such a pathetic person sometimes.
Really.
When will I understand?
That its not worth it caring too much for others.
Nor is it any better being interested in supporting others.
I NEVER get the benefits I think I would...

How many more times do I have to fall?
... I won't give up getting back up again.
But all I'm asking is that you give me a break, God.
I'm kind of tired for the moment, of being let down.

I don't wanna feel like this all the time.
Especially not when the examinations are going on...

Yeah.
That's it.

Thanks :)

..Boys.

I swear, are the hardest things on earth to understand.
I've no idea what they are going to do next, what their thinking, and what goes on in their mind 24 hours a day.
Its creepy.
It intimidates me sometimes.

Sigh.

Well, that's it.
Haha.
Well at least I made the effort to blog..
I promise I'll do better next time,
ciao! :D

When The World Is Against You

Mistakes. Failures. Successes.
We all have them. But it is also up to us, how we take it.
Choices. Decisions. Consequences.
When we choose how we'd take it, we'll make a decision. And that decision will determine the following consequences.
Is there ever a sane person in this world that wants bad things to happen to them?
I don't think so. At least, not a person in his/her right mind.

Not that I'm a busybody,
but I've realized- noticed, actually - how many people there are in this world that go through depression.
And no, not depression on the superficial level, but as in really REALLY deep inside.
Not just hating yourself for being ugly and not being able to do anything about it,
but wanting to just take your life away, trying every single damn time, but not being able to take it away because you're afraid. Or maybe you're just worried that your parents won't feel too good about your absence.
Living everyday, walking out in the streets, afraid to live. Afraid to look at people in the eye, afraid to voice out, afraid to show how you really feel.

And it slowly gets worse,
you start off with cutting yourself: with blades and knives and all that sharp things.
Every where.
Your wrists, arms, legs, feet, upper body... and it never stops.
Its a conflict like that.
Not being able to die, but not wanting to live either.

Then one day, the poor girl or guy would sit there and think:
how did I get so far into this depression in the first place?

Right.

Because the world is against me.

I would like to create awareness against bullying/ excessive teasing/insulting.
Sure, for some people who assume that they are more superior than others,
it might be interesting. Or fun even, to torture people like that.
Some might even laugh it off like it was all in a day's work in the end.
But. Have they ever thought of the consequences that would come from the decisions they have made?

In a long term, have they ever thought that they would end up taking someone's life simply because of words like...
You're ugly.
You're stupid.
You're so invisible.
F*ck off, LOSER.
Wimp.
Slut.
Piece of sh*t.
You're better off DEAD.

No. They don't.
They tease or bully because they like it.
Which, in my opinion, is very very VERY wrong.
Why must you make a person's life difficult?
Don't you know that we were all created with our own talents that differ from the rest?
How can you call a person an outcast and a loser just because they can't do the things you can?
Who knows? If your talent wasn't in trend, YOU might have been the one being shunned.
You might have been the one afraid to go to school everyday.

Even if you're not particularly interested in showering these poor people with sugar-like compliments,
at least don't bully them.
And if they annoy the heck out of you naturally,
stay away from them.
Don't even think of getting close to them.

What's your problem anyway? What if people did the same to you?
What if you were in their shoes?
Would you like feeling suicidal everyday because of the people whom you thought were your friends dissed you and physically abuse you?

Didn't think so.

And as for the other side of the party,
you can't lose easily. You can't give up.
No matter what people think or say about you, there's no denying that you ARE equally capable in being pretty, smart, athletic, artistic.. anything you wanna be.
If you're weak, you'll fall into this horrid 'depression' thing easily.
It isn't a nice experience.. from what I've seen and heard.
So stay strong.
And always believe in yourself :)

Once again, I'd like to thank God. For everything that he's done for each and everyone of us.
Its sad that some of us lose our faith easily, and fall into self-hurting, drowning in our own sorrows, and keeping our head hung low, when we can actually obtain success so easily, if only we believe and trust in ourselves, family, true friends, and God.
So let's all work together to make this world a better place for us to live in :)
Let's start by saying nice things to others, offering help whenever possible, smile more often, and stop bullying.

Yours truly,
Rachox.

Taking Risks

I've been doing this a lot lately.
Without actually knowing I'm doing it xD
Until lately, I've realized just how many risks I've been taking.
Both small and big ones.

Small ones?
Well I've been pushing my homework aside a lot nowadays. I don't do them that much anymore. I'm always procrastinating saying "I'll just do them tomorrow morning at school" , hoping fervently that I'll make it in time tomorrow to hand it in X)

The bigger ones?
I've been taking up a lot of responsibilities in school. In class, extra classes and in extra curricular activities.
Well it isn't that bad if you look at it that way. Its good even.
But I already have so much homework.
I really can't manage xD

The BIG ones?
Since I've been having way too many things to do = lot more stress (?)
I've been looking for things to keep me away from being too stressed out sometimes.
So I go online.. try to find some Korean drama to watch.. NOTHING.
Some interesting fan fiction to read... NOTHING.
Find some inspiration in me to draw or write something.. NOTHING.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
So I go to facebook, and played Tetris (now that's only one of the risks I take which might make my life worse than it already is)
Tetris became the first facebook game I actually play. Even though I'm not super interested in it or anything.

THEN.
I meet this guy.
Who's like super quiet.
But its not like that's bad.
Its really good in fact.
Because that makes him mysterious.
It makes me wanna know more about him.
Plus, he's cute.

... I was at first interested only because he's adorable.
But now, I'm not so sure anymore.
HAHA. My heart is so terribly fickle.
I think I'm only possibly falling for him because I force myself to.
To like someone.
Cause when you do,
don't you tend to think of them, like, all the time?
It makes you happy.
Even if its just for that moment,
but that moment,
makes all the difference :)

Am I wrong though?
Should I stop now?
:/ Sigh. Its another test I have to face.
I hope I won't do too bad this time, God :D