Insecurity, Weakness and Impatience

I know its only normal for everyone to feel insecure about things.
But I haven't been for a while now. I dreaded the day I would start to feel this way again.
Everything was fine and nice. Joyful and fun. Free.

..Until you came.

I didn't think it would be you.
The you who ignored everyone else except the people you cared about and yourself.
You who had no interest in people who liked things you didn't.
You whose words I could never understand nor comprehend.
You who crushed me, like I was just a little ant.

But you had no idea, did you?
That you were indeed crushing my heart this whole time.
Everyday, every hour, every minute, every second I think of you,
its like killing myself every time.
But it doesn't stop.

How the hell did I even get here in the first place?
I'm chasing a stupid, endlessly painful, unreachable dream.
I know it will never come true.
That having you turn back once to even look at me,
would be the last thing you would want to do on your list.

However, because of the optimistic self that I had acquired over the time of peace and calm,
I tried convincing myself that it wasn't that bad. It wasn't serious.
It just probably would take more time to know you better, to get closer to you, to become at least your friend.
That I wasn't actually very much attracted to you already. I convinced myself.
Yeah.

That was like a month ago.
My optimism now is draining out fast.
With every day that passes, it dries up a lot, more and more every day.
Because with passing day, I think more of you.
And the more I think of you, the worse I'll feel.
The worse I feel, the more convincing I'll have to make.
The more convincing I do, the more I lose my optimistic self.
The less optimistic I am, the more pessimistic I become,
The more pessimistic I become, the more emo I will be.

And that is where I first started.
Right at day one.
EMO.

I don't know where I stand now. In my life and in your heart.
Why is it so hard for you to understand?
Is it because you don't like me at all?
Is it because I'm a pain?
I'm sure I've hinted you a gazillion times already.
Are you just ignorant, naive, dense?
Or am I annoying? A prick?

Let's stop running around in circles.
Okay, I admit.
I like you. Maybe love you even.

Maybe I'm just so drunk with love right now that I have no idea what might come after or what the hell I am saying right now but I know this is true. I'm not lying.

So can you do the same?
Can you just f*ckin tell me already?
I hate it when people don't just be straightforward.
I'm weak. I don't have much stamina.
Let's stop running.
Let's just stop. Talk. And get this over with.

I'm ready for the pain.