Macabre Dance Characterisation

Lilith

Lost Direction

Well, I'm back. After God knows how long. Haha. Many things have changed; spiritually, emotionally, maybe even physically. I don't actually know where I'm headed right now. I know we all don't really know for sure, but now I'm just really anxious because it seems there isn't a way I can help myself feel better about the situations that I'm stuck in.

Graduating high school is great. And being in college is good. But I don't know how I'm supposed to go on now. The good friends I made in the past don't seem to be anywhere near as good as I thought they were. I still feel as if I'm putting way too much effort only to be given almost nothing in return. I feel unappreciated by my friends, and I know that they probably really don't care. But its not as if I can do anything about that anyway ... I can't control their wants and their needs; but then what do I do? What is there left for me to do but to just shut up and move on in my all consuming torture of silence?

My head hurts, and I'm angry today. I don't recall another time before that math has made me so livid. I am anxious of the coming AS exam. I'm not sure if I can achieve the marks I should if I keep going on like this. I don't understand but I want to. And yet, even if I try I still don't get it. I  thought there should always be a way when there's a will?

... I feel as if I'm losing the light in my life. My family is not encouraging, rather demeaning me. My friends can't give a shit about me. My studies are not as encouraging as they used to be. I'm left with nothing but to accept all the horrible things that are happening to me, and to hope for better blessing in the years to come.

Secrets

I don't even know how to utilise the functions on blogger anymore.
Haha. My blog looks great though.
And hi everyone.
I'm only checking in here because a certain someone came here and visited this blog that even I've forgotten.
Yes, I deserve to be shot. In the head. With cupid's arrow.

I think life is really simple. But we complicate things. No, I complicate things.
Maybe I should forget about whatever consequence I might face and just do the things I want to do.
I've got to start taking risks.
Don't you think?

We all need a break.
But we all can't have breaks all the time.
So what we do is take the best that we can.
And while being busy with the rest of our hectic life,
we jump into the temporary comfort of nature, entertainment, and love.

For all you singles out there, Happy Belated Valentine's.
May the odds be ever in your favour. Hehe

And for all you lucky ducky couples,
keep going on strong :)

Signing out,
Rachel.

How Did It Get So Out of Hand?

Shit. Shit shit shit shit SHIT.
I've never been so fucked up in so long.
I'm so angry. I need to stop but I can't stop.
Why can't I stop?
Because stopping would mean the end of another friendship.
And if it does happen, would it be my fault this time?

And what of it?
Should I be guilty of it?

Was it even my fault in the first place?

Okay fine so I shouldn't have decided to hunt for a person like him in the first place.
I should have stopped when I felt the boundary.
But I didn't. Is it wrong to want to experience something new?

The problem is this; not because of what or who exactly he turned out to be.
But what she did to me knowing I wouldn't like it. Knowing that I SERIOUSLY wouldn't like it.
And right now the fact that some already annoying guy destroyed the plan I had for my best friend's birthday isn't helping either.

I'm so mad I can kill a chicken right now (Yes, that bad.)
Can I?
Who would sponsor?

I'm so tired of feeling all these emotions. It has been since the beginning of the month! I've been through it for more then 20 days now it's a real torture.
This is one of those problems that you just can't fix on short notice.
It's why I'm still here. Fretting about things I shouldn't.
I'm about to cut all connections myself if things don't clear up soon.
And when I do,
Things aren't going to be pretty.

When All This Is Over

I feel old saying this.. I really do. Haha.
But I'm almost at the end of my high school journey.
I just have to persevere until the end and do my very best. (Which I hope I can do, honestly. Because, quite frankly, I'm already starting to get very stressed.)

For now, I can safely say that although I've been through so much crap,
it has been a good and wonderful journey.
All through that whining and being depressed and pitying myself,
I've learned how to really pick myself up again after I fall.
I realize that it really is no use to continue dwelling on something and not doing anything.
The best thing to do is to stand up and face the problem to fix it or I leave it behind as it is, learn from my mistakes, and move on.

I've also learned a little more about what a true friend is really like.
You know how they always say that a true friend is someone you can talk about anything and be comfortable about it? About how they are always there when you need a shoulder to cry on? How they are there through your ups and downs?

Well, they are half right.. and half wrong. At least to me, I think that's true.

Most friends are there. They always are. But when you face something that will cause a negative impact, they tend to pretend they don't know. Until you finally work up the courage to tell them, then they will listen.
And yet, when you tell them about your problem, they can't help much. They don't say much.
It's not like how it is in the movies.
In real life, it's like talking to walls.

And after enough encounters of these things, I realize that trusting in them just isn't good enough.
There will never.. and I really mean.. NEVER be a really true good friend.
There isn't one. It's not possible.
So I learn to stop hoping for one. Cause I know it ain't gonna happen.
So I leave it behind; I pick myself up; and I move on.

Yes, that is often the process I take to.

I acknowledge that God can really only be the true friend. The One that isn't in flesh. Who is always loyal. Who loves unconditionally and always forgives. And who's always there for us whenever we need Him...

THAT'S the true friend. The most true friend you can ever find.

Finally, I don't know if it's a curse or anything.. (hopefully not)
But it seems like the people I have a crush on are always.. taken.
Yeah. I always don't know when I first start to like them if they do or don't have a girlfriend.
Then I find out later.
And it ends. Just like that.
All the time.

I don't think I ever want to be married..

Haha.

But hey. In my defense, I still have a long way to go in that department.
The love department, that is.

I'm not sure if I ever want to go down that line.. Because if friendship is already that hard..
I can't imagine what being in a serious relationship would be like.
There are so many different types of people in the world.
I honestly don't know if I'll even end up with someone.

I guess that's one of the many miracles that God performs. He is perfect.

What I learned most from high school that I really appreciate is the existence of this God.
And Jesus Christ.

I want to be in love with them more.

I yearn for it.

God I love you.

Hallelujah,

Disheartened

This is stupid.
I am stupid.
How could I be so stupid?

I am tired already. Mentally. I mean, I'm not ready to break down yet but I'm exhausting myself everyday. Yet, there are others who are so much more hardworking and miserable than I am.
It's a fact. We are all afraid. That's why we're trying so hard to make sure that these feelings of fear will not be in vain.
Won't it though?
No one knows for sure.

Also, I am in guilt.
I have done something wrong.
Thus I vow never to do it again.
No. It is not right.
It's not right to go around breaking people's hearts just because you want to try something different.
At least, not with the sensitive kind of people.
I will not make the same mistake again.

And finally.
Sigh.
Do I even need to mention it?
It is more obvious than not.
I swear. Maybe it's just me. But it's always been this way.
Whether 4 years ago, or even now,
I'm always... ALWAYS ignored.

I'm tired of that.
I hate it.
I don't really care if I'm ignored by everyone else, but you -
You. You who say you care for me.
Yet you ignore me.

How am I to believe you?
How could I?
Dumb as I could be, I cannot be THAT dumb.

Your acknowledgement of me is worse than that of air.
You never care.
That's what your actions are screaming out.
You don't care.
But you say you do still.
Don't lie.
What good can it do anyway?

Just tell me the truth. And let's settle this. Once and for all.

I don't mind if you just tell it to me.
Just please don't leave me here hanging by a thread.
I hate this waiting.
I've waited long enough.
I know you suck at guessing.
But I've already told you the problem here that eats me up within.

All you have to do is just tell me the truth. Just ONCE.

I will step away if need be.

And it shall be the end of every thing we ever had and shared.

Even if my heart still longs for your company.

Him

His words.
His attention.
His care.
His worry.
His jealousy.
Everything.
They calm me down. They make me feel better.
Make me feel loved.
Like I'm actually worth something.

But, what if, all these are just illusions I created for myself?
What if they were all never real? What if I made them seem like they were real?
What then?

I don't want any complications.
I don't want this to end up hurting both of us.
Why can't I be certain for once?
I need to know what this really is.
I want it to be real. Really.
But I can't change a fact, can I?
The problem is, I don't know what this fact is..
And I'm really frustrated because I really really really want to know.

This HAS to be real.
It has to.

Strength

It is unstable. I know it.
I know somehow, that this will not last forever. It isn't eternal.
Yet I am putting too much trust and hope in this.. it doesn't make sense.
I shouldn't be too dependent on it or else..

When it is gone, then everything will be lost.

I can't bear that. I can't bear to feel that way again.
I don't want to.
I MUSN'T.

But my resolve is weakening and it is falling apart.
My walls are slowly being torn down.. the walls I have worked so hard to build up till today.
I don't know what's going to happen.

But I know one thing for sure.
And that is that I will trust in God.

If Only..

If only cussing wasn't a bad thing.
I would curse SO much that you probably won't be able to hear me speaking right with all of the censoring.
That's right.
__ity ___ ____.
Gosh.
Love love love. Exams exams exams. Work work work.
___ ___ ___ them all.

Damn it.
I need a breather. A LONG breather.
I feel like time is running out too fast for all of our good.
Why can't you slow down, time? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? ): TO US?

Just a little update on me for me for possible future reference,
I'd say that recently,
I've been a little more.. um.. I don't know what the word is exactly..
Rational?
I've been doing some thinking..
and I think, that it's time I stopped being too ___ing kind and nice to others.

Being ignored and yet always being the one who puts my foot down and start to try getting their attention when they end up slipping away sooner than I thought all the time..
That's just stupid. Crazy stupid.
I've had enough of that.
So I made a decision: I'm not gonna do that anymore.
I'm not going to let myself get pushed around like a rag doll,
being told what to do,
and not doing anything about them.

If they want me to do something, they have to have a reason why they think I should do it for them.
If they think certain ways of acting to me is appropriate(which usually aren't) then they have to have a ___ing reason too. Or else its humiliation time.
And.. I'm also not talking to a few people who've been taking me for granted way too much.
Unless they come talk to me first.
Or when the situation really calls for it.
I'm done being a softie.
I'm done being shy, and soft-spoken, not letting anyone know my real thoughts.

Well you know what?
That time is over.

So ___ you all.

Hoping again..

Could this be a false hope?
Why do I keep allowing myself to get hurt?
I don't even know if this is right.
And yet, I'm just hoping, wishing, so badly.. that it WILL be right. For me.
Because if it was,
everything would just fit in perfectly. Like a missing puzzle piece.
But if it isn't.. then everything would fall apart.

I don't even think its crucial enough for me to seek help since nothing has happened.
Yet.
I'm falling deeper everyday. And I can't help that.
I'm so helpless.
If the last was different..
then how much more unique is this one?

Rights and Reason

I've honestly never felt so happy for myself before.
I am so proud of me.
Yes, no matter how awkward and conceited that sounds,
you better believe it.

I actually stood up for myself today.
Well.. not really.. kinda.. in an indirect and sarcastic way but that's all the better, right?
No obvious harm done :x

So I was kinda pissy after school.
You know, when you have Sejarah and Accounts right after it.. then you have fencing and you're just OH-SO-TIRED.
Who doesn't get cranky when they're tired?
So I went to the field to watch em girls play netball with a bunch of college students from HELP college.
I didn't intend to play cause I was tired and everything so I just sat aside and watch, cheering and clapping when necessary.
Then when Zhi and Sonn got out of the court for playing too long and that match being over,
they walked to where I was.

And you DO know how rude it is to stand in front of someone oh so closely, right?
Blocking their view when they were obviously staring right where you were standing.
And now their ass is all up in your face and you can't see what in going on in the freaking court.
Yes.

So I snapped.
But I'm not the type to lash out recklessly. Obviously, I'm the total cool and calm figure.
So I told Sonn to move freaking out of the way.
With just one simple question.
I feel like a total bitch for once.
She seemed sorry.
I liked that feeling.

Sorry Sonn but I just don't like people who deny others of their rights and is always so inconsiderate.
You probably wouldn't like to hear this but.. people like you aren't going to last in the world out there. I've been there.
You have to change if you want to live. Geez.

For at least the past two years.. and counting,
whenever I try to talk to her or even TALK to her. She always either ignores me or pretends I'm not there.
Like, HELLO?
I'm freaking here, next to you, repeating your name for like god-knows-how-long.
I'm not your slave, why do I have to wait for you to pay attention to me?
You know how they say when you do a good thing to a person, that person will return the good deed?

Apparently that does not apply in this case at all. Or person. Whatever.
I ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS pay attention to people who call me.
Even if I dislike them SO FREAKING MUCH.
I will still bring myself to hear em out.
Because, if you spoiled brats have not been taught that before, that is what we civilized people call MANNERISM.
What you have to show others in order for people to respect you and treat you better.

As far as I'm concerned,
ignoring is one of the actions I hate most in the world, next to lying and betraying.
I absolutely DETEST ignorance.
It is so frustrating.
Do you know that doing that to someone like me who has never wronged you in any way is denying me of my human rights?

Get your thinking straight.
I have every reason to be mad at you.
You're already 16.
When will you realize that you're not always going to have things your way?
When will you grow out of your childishness?

Restored, Safe.. and Sound?

Ahaha.
Hi.

I don't exactly remember what I've last posted on this blog.
And I'm kinda too much of a lazy ass to read it again.
So lets just all pretend I didn't go all emo and stuff ok?

Right.

So lately I've been fine, that is if you are wondering.
Um.. I kinda got over anything to do with men.. I mean, guys .__.
And also if I'm not wrong, I used to have a little problem with my confidence..
Well THAT problem hasn't been totally resolved yet but I'm getting there. Somehow.

I think I should really thank God for this.
For His grace :)
All the while I was in the dilemma, I kept asking myself "God, where are you? Why aren't you helping me?"
"When will this all end?"

I was just.. tired, I guess.
But it DID end.
And I'm really, very, and totally grateful for God.
So yeah, thank you God. I love you.

I can feel him healing me :D
From the inside out.
I'm so blessed.

Also, for the past few years, I've also had this thought:
So I wasn't born a Christian and I think it says somewhere in the Bible that it's better to get married to another Christian or at least a believer at heart if you are one yourself.
To be totally honest with you guys, I don't even know if you can call me a Christian.
Sure, I love God. I really do. And I believe he exists and saved me with Jesus. I believe in Jesus too. And the Holy Spirit that lives in all of us.
But do I really dedicate my time to Him?
I barely do anything that relates to praising or worshipping him.
The only thing I do that isn't even in my control is chapel in school.
And once that's gone.. once SCHOOL is gone the end of next year...
what then?

I've asked my parents about their view on Christianity before, albeit subtly.
But they don't seem very positive about it. In fact, I think they dislike it.
What if I told them one day that I do believe in God and in Jesus Christ? More so than the religion that they believe in and made me believe before?
Would they get mad?
Would they shun me? Hate me?
Would they ignore me for life?
Or worse.. abandon me?

I'm afraid.
I know I shouldn't be afraid because I got God by my side all the time.
Whatever the result of anything is, it will always be for my betterment only.
But I am.
I'm sorry, God.
Sigh. What should I do? ):
I want my parents to know you too. And to live an eternal life comfortably in your kingdom.
Its not right to see them .. praying.. with those sticks.. and earnestly believing that burning those offerings could actually be sent to the souls that have passed.
I want them to know the truth about you so badly.
But they are blind. I know I should at least try to make them see.
I hope that God, you make me strong enough to introduce You to them someday.
That is, if by then, they are still alive and still on Earth.
And also if Jesus hasn't returned yet.
*muffles screams

Okay I know this is getting SO creepy because I never .. and by never I mean seldom talk about God and Christians so obviously in by blog.
I can't help it.
I do need to confess.
I love God. And I feel sorry for disappointing him and I also thank him for everything he's done for me. Including forgiving me :)

Last but not least, which is a topic I'm sure I've introduced above there somewhere and neglected..
It's about the marriage thing.
Of course I'm not so foolish to think so far ahead into the future. Haha.
But what I really mean is.. well..
If you were to get married, surely you'll be in a relationship first right?
Then that man must well.. be suitable. To you. I guess.

Well..
It is kind of awkward to say this..
But yes..
remember that guy I told you about way back when?
I don't remember when actually lol.
It was the guy who I've given up on before I could actually go all serious on liking him because I found out he had a girlfriend.
But then right when I gave up, he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hmm..
Interesting, right?

Nah, not really. That's old news.
What's recent is that..
well.. I think.
THINK. That I might like him again.
BUT.
I won't allow myself to.
Unless there is a good reason.
I don't want to be a naive klutz anymore.
So.. no more of that.

Let's see how this turns out ;)

~I'll put my trust in you Lord.

Does This Happen To Everyone?

I feel.. tired. Not confident.
Just all of a sudden.
Or maybe I did have a reason to feel this way... but I don't remember it .__.
Or maybe I refuse to remember it.

I don't know.
I keep telling myself to think positive. And try to be a better person so that I can make myself feel better as well as to maintain a good relationship with the people around me.
I don't even know if that's working out.
It feels like nothing is working out.
My effort.
Its fruitless.
Do I have to be more patient?
Why is it that whenever I stop to think about things - TRULY think - it seems as if nothing works.
And it always me that's waiting and waiting.. and waiting.
And trying and trying.
And doing everything I am capable of,
only to end up being dumped into the dirt again.

I don't understand.
What is God trying to tell me?
Am I not trying hard enough? Is that it?
I'm not asking for anything much. I'm just asking for recognition.
I'm not even asking for praise.
Is expecting recognition itself too much to ask for?

Am I being greedy? Selfish?
Why can't think work out the right way for me?
Just for once?
Why does every single thing I do always end up like this? Destroyed.
Friends. Crushes. Families. Whatever you name.
It all ends the same.

I am never content. Not even once.
I say I am, but I bluff.
Because I want to make myself feel like I actually AM contented with things,
when I'm not.

No one seems to understand.
I'm sure a lot of people have many reasons to argue with that.
But I feel like no one understands.
Its either that, or no one bothers to understand.
I feel kind of alone.
No one trusts me with responsibilities. No one allows me to do things even when I want to, or show that I want to.
They don't give me a chance to stand for myself,
and nab all the chances for themselves.
So now you tell me.
Who is the selfish one?

I get so tired sometimes.
Tired of chasing. Of trying. Of looking up.
I just wanna flop to the ground, shut my eyes, relax, and just not care about anything.
Because no matter how hard I try, it always seems as if I will never reach the end of it.

I feel like my fire's been put out.
Like all this time that I've been trying to prove myself worthy, I've just had my heart crushed, trampled on, and beaten to the ground.
Might as well kill me, huh.

I'm just...
I''m tired.

So yeah. I'll just admit what you all think I am.
I can't play sports. I can't handle accounts and events. I can't participate in something properly without having something go out of order. I'm arrogant. I'm cold, quiet, distant. I'm a loser. I'm an introvert. I'm slow. I'm forgetful. I'm stubborn. I'm temperamental. I'm crazy.

And I'm ugly.
Happy?
Good.
Because you ought to be.
At least in this silent war, we know now that one of us had won.
And that's you.

Standing Up For Yourself

Influence. Influence. And more influence.
I'm not gonna say its all bad. Of course, there are many good influences too.
But.. Well, in my opinion, for most of us, we face the bad ones more than the good ones daily.

It is true when they say that your environment affects you.
The people around you that influence you. For example, peer pressure.
Your friends? What kind of people are they?
I'm not implying that you should always judge a person a lot to find out if he/she's a good person before becoming his/her friend. Not at all.
You might be happy being with them.. contented even.
But do you really know the impact they cause in your life?
Is it for the better, or for worse?
Are you influencing them or are they influencing you?
There is a reason why the advice of choosing your friends wisely exists.
Whether or not you like it,
you'll have to make the right choices in the end.
You can't just keep pushing things aside and thinking it'll be okay at the end of the day.
Because, well, there's only so much your heart can take.
How long more will you be able to hold out?

Besides your friends, there is always your parents as well.
I do admit there are some very optimistic, loving, caring, and encouraging parents out there who are willing to let their children be their own person, shaping them in all the right ways and giving moral support throughout their study years and childhood.
BUT.
There are some other parents who do not realize how their actions and words could sometimes affect their children greatly.
Screaming. Scolding. Yelling. Caning. Making em cry.
They think its okay. Cause its all in the process of raising the kid.

Once again, in MY OPINION, I don't think you should force your self-belief on a child, even if he/she is your child.
Sure, you are the one who bore the kid. You have the authority of control over him/her.
But you have to remember what it felt like when you were their age.
The want to be free. To be able to be who they really are inside. To discover their self-identity.
In the end, that's what growing up is all about.

And as we all know clearly, young children learn quickly and adapt quite easily as well.
What they see, hear, and taste, is kept safe in their memory for the longest time.
When you say something you are so sure of and believe in, even though others don't, and tell your kid to believe it too,... well.
If it's a good thing, then all the better.
But what if it's actually a bad thing? What if?
Even if that kid is your kid, he/she is still an individual. One person. One OTHER person.
You can't force a belief on someone else. No way.
Even if you manage to, you'll just ruin their life.
So please, think. Before you act.

Finally, there is also yourself.
How you think. How you make yourself behave.
What of it?
It is all a psychological play.
As long as you think something is like that, so it shall be like that.
For example, if a rose is really red, but all your life you think and you KNOW that that color has always been blue.
Then a red rose shall be a blue rose.
See? It makes sense doesn't it?
If you think you are ugly, then so you will be ugly.
If you think you are lazy, then you will be lazy.
If you think you're incompetent, there's no way you'll be able to do whatever it is you wanted to do.
Because you don't believe in yourself.

Before fixing your habits, problems, or anything..
You'll have to start with the way you think.
NO. You don't have to go to the extremes.
You should start off slowly in fact.
For example, you could start by telling yourself in your mind that you're not really that ugly, then next time you can start thinking that you look just fine. Then slowly, and surely.. you can think that you're worth it.
That's how confidence comes about.
You don't just sleep and wake up the next day feeling like you're absolutely perfect in every way possible.
Well, I guess it is possible but that only happens when you believe in God. Unfortunately, that doesn't apply to all of us.
Nothing happens without hard work.
So boot that lazy ass.
No matter what, the laziness has to go.
Even the smartest people. Even Einstein who is like the smartest guy.. if he wasn't hardworking enough and dedicated in his experiments and stuff, there ain't no way he would be famous today.
Who knows, he might have dropped out of school and ended up a total nobody.

I know we're all suffering and sometimes it just feels so hard because of ALL these influences..
they're all pressing in on us everyday and we have to keep on resisting, resist and resist.
Once you pause and rest, that's when everything'll go haywire but you know what?
That's why you have to stand up for yourself. For what you believe in.
And always, make sure that what you believe in is right before you really start believing .. for reals.

Because when you stand up for yourself,
you'll find that it's so much easier to resist. Sometimes you even do it without effort and you don't realize it.
That's when you'll know that you've gained the right amount of confidence.
Stop being so stubborn Megan.
There are just some things you have to accept in this difficult life.
God. Humility. Friends.

Even if believing in these things will bring you down and hurt you sometimes,
it'll all be worth it because you'll experience new things.
You don't just always experience the good, right? The bad ones have to come too.
So you'll become stronger and stronger with each trial or tribulation.
Believe in yourself. You don't have to believe in God because I can't force anyone to do that, but.. you must believe in yourself. And try to do the same for your friends that you know you can trust.

Give your heart a break :)

Things Have Been Going On..

Tons of them. I don't know where to start. I mean, it HAS been a while since the last time I blogged.

Okay.. Well, recently in Speech Day, I got the award for obtaining the first place in class and also the 7A achievement for PMR award.
I also acted in a little tiny short skit by the Form 4s called 'Someone Worth Dying For'.
We acted and sung. It was touching, really. To have made it for the real day after all the noise, arguments, and failures.

Of course, that was a happy thing. Another happy thing that happened was Christine's early birthday gift.
I'm really glad she did. And to be honest, I feel really bad because I gave her something tiny for her birthday but she gave me a gift in a box.
That musn't be something small, huh?

Now.. on to the .. not-so-encouraging stuff.
Yeah. So I've been blogging about my idiot of a crush and 'love' and all that..
Obviously, as you would be guessing by now,
it didn't work out.
I had a gut feeling the whole time. It was like there was this voice in my head telling me its over. There's no way this can work. Why are you still insisting on it?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because it felt different and special?

Not so much, after all.
When it came to an end and when the truth hit me hard in my face, I was speechless.
I was hurt to say the least.
It felt like a hand with sharp claws just slashed multiples cuts on my heart and pulled it down.
My heart felt heavy. But I didn't cry. Of course I wouldn't.
I was in public.

I still haven't now. But I still feel kind of.. disappointed. What the hell was that anyway? I was so dang sure that this one was special.. different.
I guess I was wrong.
Now all I feel is emptiness inside.. an emptiness that is just begging to be filled.
I wonder what I can fill it with.

I don't want to be leaving myself open to any of these relationship stuff anymore.
I don't wanna be vulnerable to them.
From now onwards, I'll be closed. I will build a wall up.
I'm sick and tired of this.

I wonder  if it is peer pressure that's leading me to 'love' other people sometimes.
Because I KNOW that it won't benefit me too much to have a boyfriend,.
Yet I still.. I feel empty.
Very empty.

I just.. sigh.

Also, being appreciated? I don't feel so much of that.
Sure we did a good job on Speech Day. Sure we touched hearts. Sure we conveyed the message well. Sure, we got credited for our job well done.
People were praised.. complimented.. assured of their skills and talents.
What about me?
What was I doing there?
I was just there. Standing there. Most of the people who I was working with aren't even people I know that well.
No one came to me and said 'Phui Yen you did a good job.'

No. Not even my best friend.
Yes you can say I lack of attention and maybe I just want the attention, simply put.
But truly, all I want is to be seen. To be appreciated for my effort. For my involvement. Is that so hard? To just saw simple words like 'you did well.' or 'you were good.'

I don't even expect you to say words like 'awesome' or 'amazing' or even 'great'.

Best friend...
I don't know why I even call you that sometimes.
You're so bipolar.
Sometimes it seems like I mean a lot to you. Sometimes its like you can't live without me.
And other time it just seems like you don't want me to be there by your side. Like I'm some sort of embarrassment. Like I'll pull you down.
I don't get you. What's wrong? Am I not good enough? Cause you can just utter the truth. Don't lie. Don't say words that are coated with sugar or caramel or whatever of the sort.
That I'm so -called 'important' or that you 'love' me.
There's nothing I hate most but to be lied to.
You've always been like this.. like an off-and-on switch.

Sometimes you're there, sometimes you're not.
How do you call a person like that a best friend? You tell me.
That is why I doubt you. That is why I can never really fully trust you with all my heart.
And you ask why?
Ha.

I have a lot of things running through my mind that I just feel like shutting them all out.
There is no other way to that but.. you know.. death.
But of course I'm never gonna do that. Its just a feeling.
I don't know what I should do to feel the emptiness in my heart,
how to react to my 'best friend',
how to deal with any and every thing that's just going on now.
I don't know.

Too long, perhaps?

Too long...
For so long, we haven't been talking.
And for that whole time, I've been feeling that void.
That emptiness there, in my heart.

Maybe because it has been too long, and you haven't been paying attention. Maybe you don't want to, I don't know.

But I've been feeling a lot less assured and confident lately.. I don't know how I should feel.
If I feel upset and people see me that way, I'm just gonna end up ruining all my friendships.
If I pretend to be happy.. that's just gonna make ME feel a lot worse.

So what am I going to do?

.. I don't know anymore.

I MISS YOU.

I'm supposed to be doing my homework now. I'm supposed to be focusing. On physics. And add math.

LOL. Really.
I'm supposed to.

But I can't do it. I CAN'T. I don't even understand the shit I'm doing. Why did the spring have to be multiplied by 3 when I've already gotten the answer? I don't get it..?

So I just shut my book and sigh real loudly. I intended to get them done today. Looks like there's no chance of that happening now. Well, there are certainly plenty of issues going on right this moment...

1. I need to sleep early today but I have a really bad feeling that ain't gonna happen...

2. I keep looking back and forth and my music player, homework, and Facebook. It isn't helping in the least.

3. I don't really know if the problem exists, but.. is Wei Yi getting uncomfortable around me? :/

4. I keep wondering about what I can do for my birthday this year. What can I do?! Party? Shop with friends? Karaoke? (which I suck at) Well, you can forget Laser Tag cause I don't really like the looks of it.. Sigh. SERIOUSLY. Time isn't passing any slower.

5. I keep thinking about him.. you know... HIM...

And then that branches out into several other problems.

Okay first of all, we don't talk as often anymore. I used to talk to him every single day of the week but now its like we talk every three days minimum. Maybe one week max D: And if I don't find a way to fix this awkwardness, it'll just get worse and worse and one day, we might not even talk anymore! Is this a sign for me to give up..?

Secondly, I mean, it shouldn't even bug me. But this is like my diary which I'm sure no one really reads except for myself anyway so yeah, I'm just gonna be honest and truthful about my feelings and pour them all out here cause no one really gives a damn except for myself, which is sad I know. But hey, there are some things in life you just gotta take, yeah?

SOO like.. mycrushismybestfriend'sexandapparentlytheybothlikedeachotheralot. IN THE PAST. I'm kinda glad for my best friend. Well because... it shows that she has some kind of humanity in her after all. But.. I'm kinda crushed also. So like... it IS true when they say that you will never get to be a guy's first. And if you ever are, it doesn't last cause you'll break up anyway. I don't know what to feel. But this is one of the not-so-important things that bugs my mind. Since after all, it was all in the past.. Still, I can't help but to think if there are any lingering feelings left.. I'm such a whiny bitch, aren't I? I shouldn't even be worried about this since they were together like YEARS ago.

...

And well, other than that, I'm troubled because..

I MISS HIM SO TERRIBLY MUCH.

Someone please take the sharpest knife in my house (which is actually really really sharp) and stab it right through my heart please. I can't take it much longer. I try to act tough, like I really don't care. But I actually do a lot and my heart is hurting. And the worst thing is, I can't even do anything about it because I promised myself I wouldn't get too close and give him some space. I also promised myself I wouldn't get into any relationships until after high school. Which is like a year and a half from now.

That is quite an awful long time of waiting for something you are quite desperate for, don't you agree?

I know he isn't really that good-looking, he isn't sporty at all, he plays a lot of video games, he doesn't talk much but he's really sarcastic when he does, and has weird interests, but I still like him. Why?

Even I don't know why. Really.

This is the first time I'm attracted to a guy not because of his looks, or physical ability, or popularity. And the one time something as wonderful as this happens, he ends up being my best friend's ex. And it seemed he even liked her a lot. And vice-versa.

Okay what am I talking about? Its going back to that topic again. Sigh.

I'm NOT jealous ok? I'm serious. I'm just feeling so insecure right now. And the fact that he doesn't and hasn't ever tried to start the conversation with me first doesn't help me feel any better. I feel like I'm just annoying him, and that's making me feel more and more distant from him everyday because I tend to leave him alone just to give him some space.

Its making me feel empty inside. No matter how much chocolate I eat, how much my friends try to comfort me, I just feel that emptiness that can never be filled. Something is missing. And I just KNOW its him because I know what it felt like when things were fine with him.

Am I the problem? Am I not good enough? Am I took skinny? Fat? Ugly? Annoying? Arrogant? Too Quiet? Two-faced?

Please tell me. Don't leave me hanging ):

You have no idea how much I miss talking to you like we did before the whole event thing that Sunday. I'm really really sorry if I messed up.. big time. And don't apologize. I never expected anything from you. I just expected more from myself. Don't stay away please. Don't make me feel lonely when I'm not.

I need you. As desperate as that sounds...

But yeah. I miss you a lot. And only God knows how much 'a lot' means.

Chasing

It was a game from the start.
I guess I was optimistic at first.
So I saw it as a challenge.

It was a challenge I knew was possible to overcome.

However, as time passed, I find myself wavering, weakening,
and I was just not the same anymore.
I started thinking about all these negative things...
I started losing hope,
the evidences that seemed so right to me now seem fake and unreal.

I don't know what to believe in anymore now.
I never used to be the tired one, but now I am.
I didn't use to chase others around for anything, but I am now.

I don't know what to do or say.
I'm so lost and confused.
And its all because of him :(

I don't know whether I should continue with this or just give up.
Because I'm so SO tired of chasing him around.

Confused

The people who matter and the the people who don't.
I never used to be able to differentiate the two..
I'm still not very good at it.

Hence, I hope I'm right.

After all, this IS a new feeling I'm getting.
I don't know what to do, or how to react to it.
I'm a little fearful of the consequences that are bound to hit me if I react in a certain way,
whether its good or bad.

I used to think I was just plainly obsessed.. with him.
But now I'm not so sure anymore.
I don't really think its an obsession.
I think its just a reason I give myself in order to feel more comfortable.

Well its not like I'm helplessly in love either.
I'm not.
I think.

...

But I know there's a special feeling.
One I've never felt before so far in the last 15 years of my life.
I don't know who to ask about this.
My friends all don't really get it.
I'm too much of a chicken to ask my teachers....
I definitely wouldn't talk about this with my parents either...

So...

I don't know.
What do you think?

The One Thing I Hate Most

When people just leave the conversation without a goodbye greeting or something of the sort.
and when people ignore me when I'm talking and when I'm right in front of their face.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

How much more rude can people nowadays be?
I mean, is it not common courtesy to respond to people when they are talking or at least listen to them if you don't know what to say, then a simple 'yes' or 'no' will do.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT?

Unless you're so utterly lazy that you don't even want to move your farkin lips to say a simple word even a toddler knows.

Okay, so maybe you just want to be sarcastic.
You like making people believe that you're interested, when you're actually not. And then ignore them when they are talking, or even worse, walk away altogether.

Its OKAY. Once. Or twice.
But don't do it too many times. GOSH.
However did your mum teach you in growing up?
Are you just plain dumb or what?

It hurts, okay?
It hurts when you ignore people just like that.
I'm not the only one feeling like this...
And being sixteen, you should know better.

You need to stop being so selfish and start thinking about what other people would feel and think about the consequences of your actions.
You can't live like that forever and you know it.