Disheartened

This is stupid.
I am stupid.
How could I be so stupid?

I am tired already. Mentally. I mean, I'm not ready to break down yet but I'm exhausting myself everyday. Yet, there are others who are so much more hardworking and miserable than I am.
It's a fact. We are all afraid. That's why we're trying so hard to make sure that these feelings of fear will not be in vain.
Won't it though?
No one knows for sure.

Also, I am in guilt.
I have done something wrong.
Thus I vow never to do it again.
No. It is not right.
It's not right to go around breaking people's hearts just because you want to try something different.
At least, not with the sensitive kind of people.
I will not make the same mistake again.

And finally.
Sigh.
Do I even need to mention it?
It is more obvious than not.
I swear. Maybe it's just me. But it's always been this way.
Whether 4 years ago, or even now,
I'm always... ALWAYS ignored.

I'm tired of that.
I hate it.
I don't really care if I'm ignored by everyone else, but you -
You. You who say you care for me.
Yet you ignore me.

How am I to believe you?
How could I?
Dumb as I could be, I cannot be THAT dumb.

Your acknowledgement of me is worse than that of air.
You never care.
That's what your actions are screaming out.
You don't care.
But you say you do still.
Don't lie.
What good can it do anyway?

Just tell me the truth. And let's settle this. Once and for all.

I don't mind if you just tell it to me.
Just please don't leave me here hanging by a thread.
I hate this waiting.
I've waited long enough.
I know you suck at guessing.
But I've already told you the problem here that eats me up within.

All you have to do is just tell me the truth. Just ONCE.

I will step away if need be.

And it shall be the end of every thing we ever had and shared.

Even if my heart still longs for your company.

Him

His words.
His attention.
His care.
His worry.
His jealousy.
Everything.
They calm me down. They make me feel better.
Make me feel loved.
Like I'm actually worth something.

But, what if, all these are just illusions I created for myself?
What if they were all never real? What if I made them seem like they were real?
What then?

I don't want any complications.
I don't want this to end up hurting both of us.
Why can't I be certain for once?
I need to know what this really is.
I want it to be real. Really.
But I can't change a fact, can I?
The problem is, I don't know what this fact is..
And I'm really frustrated because I really really really want to know.

This HAS to be real.
It has to.

Strength

It is unstable. I know it.
I know somehow, that this will not last forever. It isn't eternal.
Yet I am putting too much trust and hope in this.. it doesn't make sense.
I shouldn't be too dependent on it or else..

When it is gone, then everything will be lost.

I can't bear that. I can't bear to feel that way again.
I don't want to.
I MUSN'T.

But my resolve is weakening and it is falling apart.
My walls are slowly being torn down.. the walls I have worked so hard to build up till today.
I don't know what's going to happen.

But I know one thing for sure.
And that is that I will trust in God.

If Only..

If only cussing wasn't a bad thing.
I would curse SO much that you probably won't be able to hear me speaking right with all of the censoring.
That's right.
__ity ___ ____.
Gosh.
Love love love. Exams exams exams. Work work work.
___ ___ ___ them all.

Damn it.
I need a breather. A LONG breather.
I feel like time is running out too fast for all of our good.
Why can't you slow down, time? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? ): TO US?

Just a little update on me for me for possible future reference,
I'd say that recently,
I've been a little more.. um.. I don't know what the word is exactly..
Rational?
I've been doing some thinking..
and I think, that it's time I stopped being too ___ing kind and nice to others.

Being ignored and yet always being the one who puts my foot down and start to try getting their attention when they end up slipping away sooner than I thought all the time..
That's just stupid. Crazy stupid.
I've had enough of that.
So I made a decision: I'm not gonna do that anymore.
I'm not going to let myself get pushed around like a rag doll,
being told what to do,
and not doing anything about them.

If they want me to do something, they have to have a reason why they think I should do it for them.
If they think certain ways of acting to me is appropriate(which usually aren't) then they have to have a ___ing reason too. Or else its humiliation time.
And.. I'm also not talking to a few people who've been taking me for granted way too much.
Unless they come talk to me first.
Or when the situation really calls for it.
I'm done being a softie.
I'm done being shy, and soft-spoken, not letting anyone know my real thoughts.

Well you know what?
That time is over.

So ___ you all.

Hoping again..

Could this be a false hope?
Why do I keep allowing myself to get hurt?
I don't even know if this is right.
And yet, I'm just hoping, wishing, so badly.. that it WILL be right. For me.
Because if it was,
everything would just fit in perfectly. Like a missing puzzle piece.
But if it isn't.. then everything would fall apart.

I don't even think its crucial enough for me to seek help since nothing has happened.
Yet.
I'm falling deeper everyday. And I can't help that.
I'm so helpless.
If the last was different..
then how much more unique is this one?

Rights and Reason

I've honestly never felt so happy for myself before.
I am so proud of me.
Yes, no matter how awkward and conceited that sounds,
you better believe it.

I actually stood up for myself today.
Well.. not really.. kinda.. in an indirect and sarcastic way but that's all the better, right?
No obvious harm done :x

So I was kinda pissy after school.
You know, when you have Sejarah and Accounts right after it.. then you have fencing and you're just OH-SO-TIRED.
Who doesn't get cranky when they're tired?
So I went to the field to watch em girls play netball with a bunch of college students from HELP college.
I didn't intend to play cause I was tired and everything so I just sat aside and watch, cheering and clapping when necessary.
Then when Zhi and Sonn got out of the court for playing too long and that match being over,
they walked to where I was.

And you DO know how rude it is to stand in front of someone oh so closely, right?
Blocking their view when they were obviously staring right where you were standing.
And now their ass is all up in your face and you can't see what in going on in the freaking court.
Yes.

So I snapped.
But I'm not the type to lash out recklessly. Obviously, I'm the total cool and calm figure.
So I told Sonn to move freaking out of the way.
With just one simple question.
I feel like a total bitch for once.
She seemed sorry.
I liked that feeling.

Sorry Sonn but I just don't like people who deny others of their rights and is always so inconsiderate.
You probably wouldn't like to hear this but.. people like you aren't going to last in the world out there. I've been there.
You have to change if you want to live. Geez.

For at least the past two years.. and counting,
whenever I try to talk to her or even TALK to her. She always either ignores me or pretends I'm not there.
Like, HELLO?
I'm freaking here, next to you, repeating your name for like god-knows-how-long.
I'm not your slave, why do I have to wait for you to pay attention to me?
You know how they say when you do a good thing to a person, that person will return the good deed?

Apparently that does not apply in this case at all. Or person. Whatever.
I ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS pay attention to people who call me.
Even if I dislike them SO FREAKING MUCH.
I will still bring myself to hear em out.
Because, if you spoiled brats have not been taught that before, that is what we civilized people call MANNERISM.
What you have to show others in order for people to respect you and treat you better.

As far as I'm concerned,
ignoring is one of the actions I hate most in the world, next to lying and betraying.
I absolutely DETEST ignorance.
It is so frustrating.
Do you know that doing that to someone like me who has never wronged you in any way is denying me of my human rights?

Get your thinking straight.
I have every reason to be mad at you.
You're already 16.
When will you realize that you're not always going to have things your way?
When will you grow out of your childishness?

Restored, Safe.. and Sound?

Ahaha.
Hi.

I don't exactly remember what I've last posted on this blog.
And I'm kinda too much of a lazy ass to read it again.
So lets just all pretend I didn't go all emo and stuff ok?

Right.

So lately I've been fine, that is if you are wondering.
Um.. I kinda got over anything to do with men.. I mean, guys .__.
And also if I'm not wrong, I used to have a little problem with my confidence..
Well THAT problem hasn't been totally resolved yet but I'm getting there. Somehow.

I think I should really thank God for this.
For His grace :)
All the while I was in the dilemma, I kept asking myself "God, where are you? Why aren't you helping me?"
"When will this all end?"

I was just.. tired, I guess.
But it DID end.
And I'm really, very, and totally grateful for God.
So yeah, thank you God. I love you.

I can feel him healing me :D
From the inside out.
I'm so blessed.

Also, for the past few years, I've also had this thought:
So I wasn't born a Christian and I think it says somewhere in the Bible that it's better to get married to another Christian or at least a believer at heart if you are one yourself.
To be totally honest with you guys, I don't even know if you can call me a Christian.
Sure, I love God. I really do. And I believe he exists and saved me with Jesus. I believe in Jesus too. And the Holy Spirit that lives in all of us.
But do I really dedicate my time to Him?
I barely do anything that relates to praising or worshipping him.
The only thing I do that isn't even in my control is chapel in school.
And once that's gone.. once SCHOOL is gone the end of next year...
what then?

I've asked my parents about their view on Christianity before, albeit subtly.
But they don't seem very positive about it. In fact, I think they dislike it.
What if I told them one day that I do believe in God and in Jesus Christ? More so than the religion that they believe in and made me believe before?
Would they get mad?
Would they shun me? Hate me?
Would they ignore me for life?
Or worse.. abandon me?

I'm afraid.
I know I shouldn't be afraid because I got God by my side all the time.
Whatever the result of anything is, it will always be for my betterment only.
But I am.
I'm sorry, God.
Sigh. What should I do? ):
I want my parents to know you too. And to live an eternal life comfortably in your kingdom.
Its not right to see them .. praying.. with those sticks.. and earnestly believing that burning those offerings could actually be sent to the souls that have passed.
I want them to know the truth about you so badly.
But they are blind. I know I should at least try to make them see.
I hope that God, you make me strong enough to introduce You to them someday.
That is, if by then, they are still alive and still on Earth.
And also if Jesus hasn't returned yet.
*muffles screams

Okay I know this is getting SO creepy because I never .. and by never I mean seldom talk about God and Christians so obviously in by blog.
I can't help it.
I do need to confess.
I love God. And I feel sorry for disappointing him and I also thank him for everything he's done for me. Including forgiving me :)

Last but not least, which is a topic I'm sure I've introduced above there somewhere and neglected..
It's about the marriage thing.
Of course I'm not so foolish to think so far ahead into the future. Haha.
But what I really mean is.. well..
If you were to get married, surely you'll be in a relationship first right?
Then that man must well.. be suitable. To you. I guess.

Well..
It is kind of awkward to say this..
But yes..
remember that guy I told you about way back when?
I don't remember when actually lol.
It was the guy who I've given up on before I could actually go all serious on liking him because I found out he had a girlfriend.
But then right when I gave up, he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hmm..
Interesting, right?

Nah, not really. That's old news.
What's recent is that..
well.. I think.
THINK. That I might like him again.
BUT.
I won't allow myself to.
Unless there is a good reason.
I don't want to be a naive klutz anymore.
So.. no more of that.

Let's see how this turns out ;)

~I'll put my trust in you Lord.