How Did It Get So Out of Hand?

Shit. Shit shit shit shit SHIT.
I've never been so fucked up in so long.
I'm so angry. I need to stop but I can't stop.
Why can't I stop?
Because stopping would mean the end of another friendship.
And if it does happen, would it be my fault this time?

And what of it?
Should I be guilty of it?

Was it even my fault in the first place?

Okay fine so I shouldn't have decided to hunt for a person like him in the first place.
I should have stopped when I felt the boundary.
But I didn't. Is it wrong to want to experience something new?

The problem is this; not because of what or who exactly he turned out to be.
But what she did to me knowing I wouldn't like it. Knowing that I SERIOUSLY wouldn't like it.
And right now the fact that some already annoying guy destroyed the plan I had for my best friend's birthday isn't helping either.

I'm so mad I can kill a chicken right now (Yes, that bad.)
Can I?
Who would sponsor?

I'm so tired of feeling all these emotions. It has been since the beginning of the month! I've been through it for more then 20 days now it's a real torture.
This is one of those problems that you just can't fix on short notice.
It's why I'm still here. Fretting about things I shouldn't.
I'm about to cut all connections myself if things don't clear up soon.
And when I do,
Things aren't going to be pretty.

When All This Is Over

I feel old saying this.. I really do. Haha.
But I'm almost at the end of my high school journey.
I just have to persevere until the end and do my very best. (Which I hope I can do, honestly. Because, quite frankly, I'm already starting to get very stressed.)

For now, I can safely say that although I've been through so much crap,
it has been a good and wonderful journey.
All through that whining and being depressed and pitying myself,
I've learned how to really pick myself up again after I fall.
I realize that it really is no use to continue dwelling on something and not doing anything.
The best thing to do is to stand up and face the problem to fix it or I leave it behind as it is, learn from my mistakes, and move on.

I've also learned a little more about what a true friend is really like.
You know how they always say that a true friend is someone you can talk about anything and be comfortable about it? About how they are always there when you need a shoulder to cry on? How they are there through your ups and downs?

Well, they are half right.. and half wrong. At least to me, I think that's true.

Most friends are there. They always are. But when you face something that will cause a negative impact, they tend to pretend they don't know. Until you finally work up the courage to tell them, then they will listen.
And yet, when you tell them about your problem, they can't help much. They don't say much.
It's not like how it is in the movies.
In real life, it's like talking to walls.

And after enough encounters of these things, I realize that trusting in them just isn't good enough.
There will never.. and I really mean.. NEVER be a really true good friend.
There isn't one. It's not possible.
So I learn to stop hoping for one. Cause I know it ain't gonna happen.
So I leave it behind; I pick myself up; and I move on.

Yes, that is often the process I take to.

I acknowledge that God can really only be the true friend. The One that isn't in flesh. Who is always loyal. Who loves unconditionally and always forgives. And who's always there for us whenever we need Him...

THAT'S the true friend. The most true friend you can ever find.

Finally, I don't know if it's a curse or anything.. (hopefully not)
But it seems like the people I have a crush on are always.. taken.
Yeah. I always don't know when I first start to like them if they do or don't have a girlfriend.
Then I find out later.
And it ends. Just like that.
All the time.

I don't think I ever want to be married..

Haha.

But hey. In my defense, I still have a long way to go in that department.
The love department, that is.

I'm not sure if I ever want to go down that line.. Because if friendship is already that hard..
I can't imagine what being in a serious relationship would be like.
There are so many different types of people in the world.
I honestly don't know if I'll even end up with someone.

I guess that's one of the many miracles that God performs. He is perfect.

What I learned most from high school that I really appreciate is the existence of this God.
And Jesus Christ.

I want to be in love with them more.

I yearn for it.

God I love you.

Hallelujah,

Disheartened

This is stupid.
I am stupid.
How could I be so stupid?

I am tired already. Mentally. I mean, I'm not ready to break down yet but I'm exhausting myself everyday. Yet, there are others who are so much more hardworking and miserable than I am.
It's a fact. We are all afraid. That's why we're trying so hard to make sure that these feelings of fear will not be in vain.
Won't it though?
No one knows for sure.

Also, I am in guilt.
I have done something wrong.
Thus I vow never to do it again.
No. It is not right.
It's not right to go around breaking people's hearts just because you want to try something different.
At least, not with the sensitive kind of people.
I will not make the same mistake again.

And finally.
Sigh.
Do I even need to mention it?
It is more obvious than not.
I swear. Maybe it's just me. But it's always been this way.
Whether 4 years ago, or even now,
I'm always... ALWAYS ignored.

I'm tired of that.
I hate it.
I don't really care if I'm ignored by everyone else, but you -
You. You who say you care for me.
Yet you ignore me.

How am I to believe you?
How could I?
Dumb as I could be, I cannot be THAT dumb.

Your acknowledgement of me is worse than that of air.
You never care.
That's what your actions are screaming out.
You don't care.
But you say you do still.
Don't lie.
What good can it do anyway?

Just tell me the truth. And let's settle this. Once and for all.

I don't mind if you just tell it to me.
Just please don't leave me here hanging by a thread.
I hate this waiting.
I've waited long enough.
I know you suck at guessing.
But I've already told you the problem here that eats me up within.

All you have to do is just tell me the truth. Just ONCE.

I will step away if need be.

And it shall be the end of every thing we ever had and shared.

Even if my heart still longs for your company.

Him

His words.
His attention.
His care.
His worry.
His jealousy.
Everything.
They calm me down. They make me feel better.
Make me feel loved.
Like I'm actually worth something.

But, what if, all these are just illusions I created for myself?
What if they were all never real? What if I made them seem like they were real?
What then?

I don't want any complications.
I don't want this to end up hurting both of us.
Why can't I be certain for once?
I need to know what this really is.
I want it to be real. Really.
But I can't change a fact, can I?
The problem is, I don't know what this fact is..
And I'm really frustrated because I really really really want to know.

This HAS to be real.
It has to.

Strength

It is unstable. I know it.
I know somehow, that this will not last forever. It isn't eternal.
Yet I am putting too much trust and hope in this.. it doesn't make sense.
I shouldn't be too dependent on it or else..

When it is gone, then everything will be lost.

I can't bear that. I can't bear to feel that way again.
I don't want to.
I MUSN'T.

But my resolve is weakening and it is falling apart.
My walls are slowly being torn down.. the walls I have worked so hard to build up till today.
I don't know what's going to happen.

But I know one thing for sure.
And that is that I will trust in God.

If Only..

If only cussing wasn't a bad thing.
I would curse SO much that you probably won't be able to hear me speaking right with all of the censoring.
That's right.
__ity ___ ____.
Gosh.
Love love love. Exams exams exams. Work work work.
___ ___ ___ them all.

Damn it.
I need a breather. A LONG breather.
I feel like time is running out too fast for all of our good.
Why can't you slow down, time? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? ): TO US?

Just a little update on me for me for possible future reference,
I'd say that recently,
I've been a little more.. um.. I don't know what the word is exactly..
Rational?
I've been doing some thinking..
and I think, that it's time I stopped being too ___ing kind and nice to others.

Being ignored and yet always being the one who puts my foot down and start to try getting their attention when they end up slipping away sooner than I thought all the time..
That's just stupid. Crazy stupid.
I've had enough of that.
So I made a decision: I'm not gonna do that anymore.
I'm not going to let myself get pushed around like a rag doll,
being told what to do,
and not doing anything about them.

If they want me to do something, they have to have a reason why they think I should do it for them.
If they think certain ways of acting to me is appropriate(which usually aren't) then they have to have a ___ing reason too. Or else its humiliation time.
And.. I'm also not talking to a few people who've been taking me for granted way too much.
Unless they come talk to me first.
Or when the situation really calls for it.
I'm done being a softie.
I'm done being shy, and soft-spoken, not letting anyone know my real thoughts.

Well you know what?
That time is over.

So ___ you all.

Hoping again..

Could this be a false hope?
Why do I keep allowing myself to get hurt?
I don't even know if this is right.
And yet, I'm just hoping, wishing, so badly.. that it WILL be right. For me.
Because if it was,
everything would just fit in perfectly. Like a missing puzzle piece.
But if it isn't.. then everything would fall apart.

I don't even think its crucial enough for me to seek help since nothing has happened.
Yet.
I'm falling deeper everyday. And I can't help that.
I'm so helpless.
If the last was different..
then how much more unique is this one?