Does This Happen To Everyone?

I feel.. tired. Not confident.
Just all of a sudden.
Or maybe I did have a reason to feel this way... but I don't remember it .__.
Or maybe I refuse to remember it.

I don't know.
I keep telling myself to think positive. And try to be a better person so that I can make myself feel better as well as to maintain a good relationship with the people around me.
I don't even know if that's working out.
It feels like nothing is working out.
My effort.
Its fruitless.
Do I have to be more patient?
Why is it that whenever I stop to think about things - TRULY think - it seems as if nothing works.
And it always me that's waiting and waiting.. and waiting.
And trying and trying.
And doing everything I am capable of,
only to end up being dumped into the dirt again.

I don't understand.
What is God trying to tell me?
Am I not trying hard enough? Is that it?
I'm not asking for anything much. I'm just asking for recognition.
I'm not even asking for praise.
Is expecting recognition itself too much to ask for?

Am I being greedy? Selfish?
Why can't think work out the right way for me?
Just for once?
Why does every single thing I do always end up like this? Destroyed.
Friends. Crushes. Families. Whatever you name.
It all ends the same.

I am never content. Not even once.
I say I am, but I bluff.
Because I want to make myself feel like I actually AM contented with things,
when I'm not.

No one seems to understand.
I'm sure a lot of people have many reasons to argue with that.
But I feel like no one understands.
Its either that, or no one bothers to understand.
I feel kind of alone.
No one trusts me with responsibilities. No one allows me to do things even when I want to, or show that I want to.
They don't give me a chance to stand for myself,
and nab all the chances for themselves.
So now you tell me.
Who is the selfish one?

I get so tired sometimes.
Tired of chasing. Of trying. Of looking up.
I just wanna flop to the ground, shut my eyes, relax, and just not care about anything.
Because no matter how hard I try, it always seems as if I will never reach the end of it.

I feel like my fire's been put out.
Like all this time that I've been trying to prove myself worthy, I've just had my heart crushed, trampled on, and beaten to the ground.
Might as well kill me, huh.

I'm just...
I''m tired.

So yeah. I'll just admit what you all think I am.
I can't play sports. I can't handle accounts and events. I can't participate in something properly without having something go out of order. I'm arrogant. I'm cold, quiet, distant. I'm a loser. I'm an introvert. I'm slow. I'm forgetful. I'm stubborn. I'm temperamental. I'm crazy.

And I'm ugly.
Happy?
Good.
Because you ought to be.
At least in this silent war, we know now that one of us had won.
And that's you.

Standing Up For Yourself

Influence. Influence. And more influence.
I'm not gonna say its all bad. Of course, there are many good influences too.
But.. Well, in my opinion, for most of us, we face the bad ones more than the good ones daily.

It is true when they say that your environment affects you.
The people around you that influence you. For example, peer pressure.
Your friends? What kind of people are they?
I'm not implying that you should always judge a person a lot to find out if he/she's a good person before becoming his/her friend. Not at all.
You might be happy being with them.. contented even.
But do you really know the impact they cause in your life?
Is it for the better, or for worse?
Are you influencing them or are they influencing you?
There is a reason why the advice of choosing your friends wisely exists.
Whether or not you like it,
you'll have to make the right choices in the end.
You can't just keep pushing things aside and thinking it'll be okay at the end of the day.
Because, well, there's only so much your heart can take.
How long more will you be able to hold out?

Besides your friends, there is always your parents as well.
I do admit there are some very optimistic, loving, caring, and encouraging parents out there who are willing to let their children be their own person, shaping them in all the right ways and giving moral support throughout their study years and childhood.
BUT.
There are some other parents who do not realize how their actions and words could sometimes affect their children greatly.
Screaming. Scolding. Yelling. Caning. Making em cry.
They think its okay. Cause its all in the process of raising the kid.

Once again, in MY OPINION, I don't think you should force your self-belief on a child, even if he/she is your child.
Sure, you are the one who bore the kid. You have the authority of control over him/her.
But you have to remember what it felt like when you were their age.
The want to be free. To be able to be who they really are inside. To discover their self-identity.
In the end, that's what growing up is all about.

And as we all know clearly, young children learn quickly and adapt quite easily as well.
What they see, hear, and taste, is kept safe in their memory for the longest time.
When you say something you are so sure of and believe in, even though others don't, and tell your kid to believe it too,... well.
If it's a good thing, then all the better.
But what if it's actually a bad thing? What if?
Even if that kid is your kid, he/she is still an individual. One person. One OTHER person.
You can't force a belief on someone else. No way.
Even if you manage to, you'll just ruin their life.
So please, think. Before you act.

Finally, there is also yourself.
How you think. How you make yourself behave.
What of it?
It is all a psychological play.
As long as you think something is like that, so it shall be like that.
For example, if a rose is really red, but all your life you think and you KNOW that that color has always been blue.
Then a red rose shall be a blue rose.
See? It makes sense doesn't it?
If you think you are ugly, then so you will be ugly.
If you think you are lazy, then you will be lazy.
If you think you're incompetent, there's no way you'll be able to do whatever it is you wanted to do.
Because you don't believe in yourself.

Before fixing your habits, problems, or anything..
You'll have to start with the way you think.
NO. You don't have to go to the extremes.
You should start off slowly in fact.
For example, you could start by telling yourself in your mind that you're not really that ugly, then next time you can start thinking that you look just fine. Then slowly, and surely.. you can think that you're worth it.
That's how confidence comes about.
You don't just sleep and wake up the next day feeling like you're absolutely perfect in every way possible.
Well, I guess it is possible but that only happens when you believe in God. Unfortunately, that doesn't apply to all of us.
Nothing happens without hard work.
So boot that lazy ass.
No matter what, the laziness has to go.
Even the smartest people. Even Einstein who is like the smartest guy.. if he wasn't hardworking enough and dedicated in his experiments and stuff, there ain't no way he would be famous today.
Who knows, he might have dropped out of school and ended up a total nobody.

I know we're all suffering and sometimes it just feels so hard because of ALL these influences..
they're all pressing in on us everyday and we have to keep on resisting, resist and resist.
Once you pause and rest, that's when everything'll go haywire but you know what?
That's why you have to stand up for yourself. For what you believe in.
And always, make sure that what you believe in is right before you really start believing .. for reals.

Because when you stand up for yourself,
you'll find that it's so much easier to resist. Sometimes you even do it without effort and you don't realize it.
That's when you'll know that you've gained the right amount of confidence.
Stop being so stubborn Megan.
There are just some things you have to accept in this difficult life.
God. Humility. Friends.

Even if believing in these things will bring you down and hurt you sometimes,
it'll all be worth it because you'll experience new things.
You don't just always experience the good, right? The bad ones have to come too.
So you'll become stronger and stronger with each trial or tribulation.
Believe in yourself. You don't have to believe in God because I can't force anyone to do that, but.. you must believe in yourself. And try to do the same for your friends that you know you can trust.

Give your heart a break :)

Things Have Been Going On..

Tons of them. I don't know where to start. I mean, it HAS been a while since the last time I blogged.

Okay.. Well, recently in Speech Day, I got the award for obtaining the first place in class and also the 7A achievement for PMR award.
I also acted in a little tiny short skit by the Form 4s called 'Someone Worth Dying For'.
We acted and sung. It was touching, really. To have made it for the real day after all the noise, arguments, and failures.

Of course, that was a happy thing. Another happy thing that happened was Christine's early birthday gift.
I'm really glad she did. And to be honest, I feel really bad because I gave her something tiny for her birthday but she gave me a gift in a box.
That musn't be something small, huh?

Now.. on to the .. not-so-encouraging stuff.
Yeah. So I've been blogging about my idiot of a crush and 'love' and all that..
Obviously, as you would be guessing by now,
it didn't work out.
I had a gut feeling the whole time. It was like there was this voice in my head telling me its over. There's no way this can work. Why are you still insisting on it?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because it felt different and special?

Not so much, after all.
When it came to an end and when the truth hit me hard in my face, I was speechless.
I was hurt to say the least.
It felt like a hand with sharp claws just slashed multiples cuts on my heart and pulled it down.
My heart felt heavy. But I didn't cry. Of course I wouldn't.
I was in public.

I still haven't now. But I still feel kind of.. disappointed. What the hell was that anyway? I was so dang sure that this one was special.. different.
I guess I was wrong.
Now all I feel is emptiness inside.. an emptiness that is just begging to be filled.
I wonder what I can fill it with.

I don't want to be leaving myself open to any of these relationship stuff anymore.
I don't wanna be vulnerable to them.
From now onwards, I'll be closed. I will build a wall up.
I'm sick and tired of this.

I wonder  if it is peer pressure that's leading me to 'love' other people sometimes.
Because I KNOW that it won't benefit me too much to have a boyfriend,.
Yet I still.. I feel empty.
Very empty.

I just.. sigh.

Also, being appreciated? I don't feel so much of that.
Sure we did a good job on Speech Day. Sure we touched hearts. Sure we conveyed the message well. Sure, we got credited for our job well done.
People were praised.. complimented.. assured of their skills and talents.
What about me?
What was I doing there?
I was just there. Standing there. Most of the people who I was working with aren't even people I know that well.
No one came to me and said 'Phui Yen you did a good job.'

No. Not even my best friend.
Yes you can say I lack of attention and maybe I just want the attention, simply put.
But truly, all I want is to be seen. To be appreciated for my effort. For my involvement. Is that so hard? To just saw simple words like 'you did well.' or 'you were good.'

I don't even expect you to say words like 'awesome' or 'amazing' or even 'great'.

Best friend...
I don't know why I even call you that sometimes.
You're so bipolar.
Sometimes it seems like I mean a lot to you. Sometimes its like you can't live without me.
And other time it just seems like you don't want me to be there by your side. Like I'm some sort of embarrassment. Like I'll pull you down.
I don't get you. What's wrong? Am I not good enough? Cause you can just utter the truth. Don't lie. Don't say words that are coated with sugar or caramel or whatever of the sort.
That I'm so -called 'important' or that you 'love' me.
There's nothing I hate most but to be lied to.
You've always been like this.. like an off-and-on switch.

Sometimes you're there, sometimes you're not.
How do you call a person like that a best friend? You tell me.
That is why I doubt you. That is why I can never really fully trust you with all my heart.
And you ask why?
Ha.

I have a lot of things running through my mind that I just feel like shutting them all out.
There is no other way to that but.. you know.. death.
But of course I'm never gonna do that. Its just a feeling.
I don't know what I should do to feel the emptiness in my heart,
how to react to my 'best friend',
how to deal with any and every thing that's just going on now.
I don't know.

Too long, perhaps?

Too long...
For so long, we haven't been talking.
And for that whole time, I've been feeling that void.
That emptiness there, in my heart.

Maybe because it has been too long, and you haven't been paying attention. Maybe you don't want to, I don't know.

But I've been feeling a lot less assured and confident lately.. I don't know how I should feel.
If I feel upset and people see me that way, I'm just gonna end up ruining all my friendships.
If I pretend to be happy.. that's just gonna make ME feel a lot worse.

So what am I going to do?

.. I don't know anymore.

I MISS YOU.

I'm supposed to be doing my homework now. I'm supposed to be focusing. On physics. And add math.

LOL. Really.
I'm supposed to.

But I can't do it. I CAN'T. I don't even understand the shit I'm doing. Why did the spring have to be multiplied by 3 when I've already gotten the answer? I don't get it..?

So I just shut my book and sigh real loudly. I intended to get them done today. Looks like there's no chance of that happening now. Well, there are certainly plenty of issues going on right this moment...

1. I need to sleep early today but I have a really bad feeling that ain't gonna happen...

2. I keep looking back and forth and my music player, homework, and Facebook. It isn't helping in the least.

3. I don't really know if the problem exists, but.. is Wei Yi getting uncomfortable around me? :/

4. I keep wondering about what I can do for my birthday this year. What can I do?! Party? Shop with friends? Karaoke? (which I suck at) Well, you can forget Laser Tag cause I don't really like the looks of it.. Sigh. SERIOUSLY. Time isn't passing any slower.

5. I keep thinking about him.. you know... HIM...

And then that branches out into several other problems.

Okay first of all, we don't talk as often anymore. I used to talk to him every single day of the week but now its like we talk every three days minimum. Maybe one week max D: And if I don't find a way to fix this awkwardness, it'll just get worse and worse and one day, we might not even talk anymore! Is this a sign for me to give up..?

Secondly, I mean, it shouldn't even bug me. But this is like my diary which I'm sure no one really reads except for myself anyway so yeah, I'm just gonna be honest and truthful about my feelings and pour them all out here cause no one really gives a damn except for myself, which is sad I know. But hey, there are some things in life you just gotta take, yeah?

SOO like.. mycrushismybestfriend'sexandapparentlytheybothlikedeachotheralot. IN THE PAST. I'm kinda glad for my best friend. Well because... it shows that she has some kind of humanity in her after all. But.. I'm kinda crushed also. So like... it IS true when they say that you will never get to be a guy's first. And if you ever are, it doesn't last cause you'll break up anyway. I don't know what to feel. But this is one of the not-so-important things that bugs my mind. Since after all, it was all in the past.. Still, I can't help but to think if there are any lingering feelings left.. I'm such a whiny bitch, aren't I? I shouldn't even be worried about this since they were together like YEARS ago.

...

And well, other than that, I'm troubled because..

I MISS HIM SO TERRIBLY MUCH.

Someone please take the sharpest knife in my house (which is actually really really sharp) and stab it right through my heart please. I can't take it much longer. I try to act tough, like I really don't care. But I actually do a lot and my heart is hurting. And the worst thing is, I can't even do anything about it because I promised myself I wouldn't get too close and give him some space. I also promised myself I wouldn't get into any relationships until after high school. Which is like a year and a half from now.

That is quite an awful long time of waiting for something you are quite desperate for, don't you agree?

I know he isn't really that good-looking, he isn't sporty at all, he plays a lot of video games, he doesn't talk much but he's really sarcastic when he does, and has weird interests, but I still like him. Why?

Even I don't know why. Really.

This is the first time I'm attracted to a guy not because of his looks, or physical ability, or popularity. And the one time something as wonderful as this happens, he ends up being my best friend's ex. And it seemed he even liked her a lot. And vice-versa.

Okay what am I talking about? Its going back to that topic again. Sigh.

I'm NOT jealous ok? I'm serious. I'm just feeling so insecure right now. And the fact that he doesn't and hasn't ever tried to start the conversation with me first doesn't help me feel any better. I feel like I'm just annoying him, and that's making me feel more and more distant from him everyday because I tend to leave him alone just to give him some space.

Its making me feel empty inside. No matter how much chocolate I eat, how much my friends try to comfort me, I just feel that emptiness that can never be filled. Something is missing. And I just KNOW its him because I know what it felt like when things were fine with him.

Am I the problem? Am I not good enough? Am I took skinny? Fat? Ugly? Annoying? Arrogant? Too Quiet? Two-faced?

Please tell me. Don't leave me hanging ):

You have no idea how much I miss talking to you like we did before the whole event thing that Sunday. I'm really really sorry if I messed up.. big time. And don't apologize. I never expected anything from you. I just expected more from myself. Don't stay away please. Don't make me feel lonely when I'm not.

I need you. As desperate as that sounds...

But yeah. I miss you a lot. And only God knows how much 'a lot' means.

Chasing

It was a game from the start.
I guess I was optimistic at first.
So I saw it as a challenge.

It was a challenge I knew was possible to overcome.

However, as time passed, I find myself wavering, weakening,
and I was just not the same anymore.
I started thinking about all these negative things...
I started losing hope,
the evidences that seemed so right to me now seem fake and unreal.

I don't know what to believe in anymore now.
I never used to be the tired one, but now I am.
I didn't use to chase others around for anything, but I am now.

I don't know what to do or say.
I'm so lost and confused.
And its all because of him :(

I don't know whether I should continue with this or just give up.
Because I'm so SO tired of chasing him around.

Confused

The people who matter and the the people who don't.
I never used to be able to differentiate the two..
I'm still not very good at it.

Hence, I hope I'm right.

After all, this IS a new feeling I'm getting.
I don't know what to do, or how to react to it.
I'm a little fearful of the consequences that are bound to hit me if I react in a certain way,
whether its good or bad.

I used to think I was just plainly obsessed.. with him.
But now I'm not so sure anymore.
I don't really think its an obsession.
I think its just a reason I give myself in order to feel more comfortable.

Well its not like I'm helplessly in love either.
I'm not.
I think.

...

But I know there's a special feeling.
One I've never felt before so far in the last 15 years of my life.
I don't know who to ask about this.
My friends all don't really get it.
I'm too much of a chicken to ask my teachers....
I definitely wouldn't talk about this with my parents either...

So...

I don't know.
What do you think?