Pretend

I've decided.

I'm gonna pretend again.

And this time, its gonna last.

I'm not gonna change my mind.

So don't you dare try.

SIGH.

Now I have to choose between Sempurna and Wesley.

Seriously. Sempurna = Not-so-good school but I don't wanna leave my friends.

Wesley = Awesome 5 star school and if I manage to get in, I might even have a 50% discount on my college fees. (Wesley's College that is)

ISHH. Where should I go?

Should I stay? Should I go?

I need help! :(

Lost and Confused

Am I wrong?

To deny this feeling?

I keep telling myself that I don't like you.

that you're just a passerby. A stranger.

But in reality, I really I can't ignore you.

I lie to everyone around me that even when they catch me looking at you,

it means that I feel pissed at you or something, but I'M NOT.

... Evidence?

Hell yeah I got evidence.

I couldn't even tell every single one of my close buddies that I don't like you anymore.

Some of them still thinks I do.

Which, really, I still do.

BUT YEAH I DIDN'T TELL ALL OF THEM.

Sigh. What happens now? What should I do?

Should I continue acting like nothing's happened?

Should I continue denying this fact?

Should I speak up?

Should I tell you... the real reason why I ignore you?

I know you most probably don't like me. But my heart won't accept it.

And maybe that's why I'm ignoring you.

Because I wanna get rid of this feeling.

So that I won't have to go on liking you.

So that you won't ever have to find out that I did like you.

So I won't have to hear you say "I'm sorry. But.. I don't feel the same."

..... I don't know what to do.

OH YEAH BABY.

Yeah, the header picture has changed!!

And new header picture means new confidence!

New header picture means renewal of my spirit! :D

And now B2ST takes over!!

MY ONE AND ONLY FAV KOREAN BOY BAND.

Goodbye IU , hello B2st :)

Anyway. I'm so awesomely ready for life.

Come on babe. Shove anything at me with all you've got.

I'm not afraid.

I've my ONLY best friend with me 24/7.

What is there for me to be afraid of?

Dear life,

I dont even know if you're actually a maze,

or a game.

Or a puzzle to solve.

But one thing I can be sure of:

you're meant to be lived in.

And I don't want to live in disappointment or sadness.

I don't want to spend my life emo-ing.

I'm SO going out there.

And give everything my best shot.

I don't care if I fail.

I don't care because I know there's always a chance to get back up again.

Everyone have chances to redeem themselves as long as they live.

And I'm not gonna waste any time.

PMR. I might hate you,

but it doesn't mean I'm gonna fail on you.

I'm gonna PASS you,

with FLYING colours.

And you ain't got nothing to say about that <3

Oh, and also, good luck to anyone who reads this post.

To boys: exams, school, life, sports, attitude.

to girls: life, emotions, monthly moods,school, shopping, exams, AND your crushes.

Never give up.

EVER.

As If It Wasn't Enough

As if it wasn't enough that I just got over my crush,

as if it wasn't enough that my sister irritated me

that my mum was rushing me.

That no one really cared about me at school today.

That today was a bad hair day, a day when I suddenly have low self-confidence.

My dad who's usually working overseas is home and he just yelled at me.

Fuck yeah.

How amazing the feeling was.

I was speechless.

There was a moment of silence. But I knew what I had to do.

I apologized. For something I know I did wrong but don't deserve to be yelled at for it.

Its crazy.

I'm SO heartbroken.

Coz my sister and mum are always bullying me.

Not exactly bullying. More like.. always siding each other when a problem surfaces.

Then I get blamed for it.

I ALWAYS GET THE BLAME.

Fuck numerology.

It says my dad will help me when my mum and sister 'gang bangs' me.

Well.

It didn't work.

In fact,

ALL THREE OF THEM WERE AGAINST ME.

Now I finally see it.

In this family, I'm always the lone ranger.

No one ever takes my side.

Every thing gets directed at me. Never good stuff.

Always the bad ones.

And I know I can't say anything to that.

Fuck. I mean if a simple show of temper could piss my dad off like that,

if I told him that neither of them are ever on my side,

I don't think I'll be there to watch the next sunSET. (its 5 pm now)

Being the youngest might always seem to be a benefit to all elder siblings out there,

but in my family,

it effing isn't.

Lucky for me, I'm always ready. With a few layers of defence around my heart.

Or my eyes would have been puffy by now.

I hate my family life.

And right now, even the beginning of my love life.

My friends life.

My.. everything.

I can't be myself around my friends,

Now I can't even be myself around my FAMILY.

I thought family were supposed to be the bestest friends you'll ever have.

Now I know.

That maybe.

I was wrong.

I Don't Know

My life is getting a little messed up again D:

Okay so here's the deal.

SOME EFFIN PERSON WHO MUST'VE READ MY BLOG OR ALREADY KNOWS THAT I LIKE 'HIM' TOLD 'HIM' himself.

OR HE COULD'VE GUESSED HIMSELF.

But it would so not make sense because he sounds so super duper confident about it.

He knows.

HE KNOWS I like him.

F***.

okay. so that's one complication.

And the other is my studies. Trials is only ... ONE WEEK away.

And I'm not even close to ready.

How will I face the exams?

I've practically the least time ever. There's nothing GOOD I can pull off now.

SIGHHHH

Okay. Back on the first complication.

I don't know how I'm supposed to react.

Should I ignore him? and pretend like we never even knew each other?

OR should I pretend like I never knew he knows about my feelings and give up on him at the same time and be my own person?

Honestly speaking, I think the second one is better. Yeah?

YEAH. TOTALLY.

Go me.

Sigh. I feel so deprived of my supposedly peak of teenage life.

I'm suffering.
And the only thing I'm waiting for now is the end of PMR.

For The First Time~

I spent so much money for a measly birthday gift for a 'friend' this year.

For the first time. Hehe. And I didn't even feel bad that I did that

Instead, I feel great!

Like, yay! I bought him/her a present and I know he/she's gonna love it! (Though its not their favourite color but still...)

Sighs.

Fine.

I'll tell you nervous anticipating readers.

I bought a gift for my crush. AND I HONESTLY HOPE HE NEVER EVER GOES TO MY BLOG OR I WILL BE DEAD.

Hehe. Cause he'll so totally know that its him when he reads this.

Is this what falling in love for the first time feels like?

It feels great =)

But I'm not a fool. I know it won't last forever.

The signs are already showing.

I get jealous when I see another girl with you.

I feel so happy when you show the tiniest bit of a smile.

I feel bad when you look down.

I wanna know how holding your hand would feel like...

I wanna know how your voice would sound like.

I sound like a total creep.

A psycho perhaps.

But that's what love did to me.

And I like it.

A lot ♥

I know

I know it hurts. And its painful and your heart's been broken so many times.

But you always have to get back up again.

Because that's what life's all about.

When I see you sad, I get sad too.

When you cry, I feel like crying too.

You should know by now, how precious you are to me.

And I would give my life away just to see you eternally happy.