Things Have Been Going On..

Tons of them. I don't know where to start. I mean, it HAS been a while since the last time I blogged.

Okay.. Well, recently in Speech Day, I got the award for obtaining the first place in class and also the 7A achievement for PMR award.
I also acted in a little tiny short skit by the Form 4s called 'Someone Worth Dying For'.
We acted and sung. It was touching, really. To have made it for the real day after all the noise, arguments, and failures.

Of course, that was a happy thing. Another happy thing that happened was Christine's early birthday gift.
I'm really glad she did. And to be honest, I feel really bad because I gave her something tiny for her birthday but she gave me a gift in a box.
That musn't be something small, huh?

Now.. on to the .. not-so-encouraging stuff.
Yeah. So I've been blogging about my idiot of a crush and 'love' and all that..
Obviously, as you would be guessing by now,
it didn't work out.
I had a gut feeling the whole time. It was like there was this voice in my head telling me its over. There's no way this can work. Why are you still insisting on it?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because it felt different and special?

Not so much, after all.
When it came to an end and when the truth hit me hard in my face, I was speechless.
I was hurt to say the least.
It felt like a hand with sharp claws just slashed multiples cuts on my heart and pulled it down.
My heart felt heavy. But I didn't cry. Of course I wouldn't.
I was in public.

I still haven't now. But I still feel kind of.. disappointed. What the hell was that anyway? I was so dang sure that this one was special.. different.
I guess I was wrong.
Now all I feel is emptiness inside.. an emptiness that is just begging to be filled.
I wonder what I can fill it with.

I don't want to be leaving myself open to any of these relationship stuff anymore.
I don't wanna be vulnerable to them.
From now onwards, I'll be closed. I will build a wall up.
I'm sick and tired of this.

I wonder  if it is peer pressure that's leading me to 'love' other people sometimes.
Because I KNOW that it won't benefit me too much to have a boyfriend,.
Yet I still.. I feel empty.
Very empty.

I just.. sigh.

Also, being appreciated? I don't feel so much of that.
Sure we did a good job on Speech Day. Sure we touched hearts. Sure we conveyed the message well. Sure, we got credited for our job well done.
People were praised.. complimented.. assured of their skills and talents.
What about me?
What was I doing there?
I was just there. Standing there. Most of the people who I was working with aren't even people I know that well.
No one came to me and said 'Phui Yen you did a good job.'

No. Not even my best friend.
Yes you can say I lack of attention and maybe I just want the attention, simply put.
But truly, all I want is to be seen. To be appreciated for my effort. For my involvement. Is that so hard? To just saw simple words like 'you did well.' or 'you were good.'

I don't even expect you to say words like 'awesome' or 'amazing' or even 'great'.

Best friend...
I don't know why I even call you that sometimes.
You're so bipolar.
Sometimes it seems like I mean a lot to you. Sometimes its like you can't live without me.
And other time it just seems like you don't want me to be there by your side. Like I'm some sort of embarrassment. Like I'll pull you down.
I don't get you. What's wrong? Am I not good enough? Cause you can just utter the truth. Don't lie. Don't say words that are coated with sugar or caramel or whatever of the sort.
That I'm so -called 'important' or that you 'love' me.
There's nothing I hate most but to be lied to.
You've always been like this.. like an off-and-on switch.

Sometimes you're there, sometimes you're not.
How do you call a person like that a best friend? You tell me.
That is why I doubt you. That is why I can never really fully trust you with all my heart.
And you ask why?
Ha.

I have a lot of things running through my mind that I just feel like shutting them all out.
There is no other way to that but.. you know.. death.
But of course I'm never gonna do that. Its just a feeling.
I don't know what I should do to feel the emptiness in my heart,
how to react to my 'best friend',
how to deal with any and every thing that's just going on now.
I don't know.

Too long, perhaps?

Too long...
For so long, we haven't been talking.
And for that whole time, I've been feeling that void.
That emptiness there, in my heart.

Maybe because it has been too long, and you haven't been paying attention. Maybe you don't want to, I don't know.

But I've been feeling a lot less assured and confident lately.. I don't know how I should feel.
If I feel upset and people see me that way, I'm just gonna end up ruining all my friendships.
If I pretend to be happy.. that's just gonna make ME feel a lot worse.

So what am I going to do?

.. I don't know anymore.